


Truth Seeker

by Ukulelepopgod



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Death, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Mental-health, Schizophrenia, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-09-21 21:38:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 78,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9567818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ukulelepopgod/pseuds/Ukulelepopgod
Summary: Seeing illusions and paranoid thoughts swarm the mind of the young teenager, its the only feeling he was used to, the cold lifeless excuse for living.This is the story told through the eyes of a madman, who, like all of us believed he was sane.





	1. Welcome to insanity

:Insanity-/ɪnˈsanəti/-The State Of Being Seriously Mentally ill, Pure Madness they say:

:Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results each time-A.E:

 

"It's really the best option we have at this point Frank" 

"Mum y-you can't let them do this!"

"Sweetie its for your-safety"

"I'm fine!"

The doctors office closed in on me as my breathed was laboured, only coming in minimum parts before it was taken away from me again. The doctor who sat across from me at her desk just sat their with a pitiful look as he bit on her lips listening to my demands as I fought against my mother and her, their decision were being decided with out my consent. I know they were trying to get rid of me,Kill me! It's been their plan all along filthy imbeciles.

The doctor leaned forward resting her elbow on the desk readjusting the stupid glasses that framed her face before parting her toxic lips. She had that glint in her eye, like this was her plan all along, to see me struggle for my freedom, like she was feeding off my anger and fear.

"Frank I'm sorry but its final" She turned to her notes leaving me slump in my chair, gripping the arm rest with pure force, not afraid if the wood would snap and crush under the force, my knuckles were now a ghostly white as my nails dug into the wood. Mother kept quiet while she crossed her legs, twiddling her thumbs in her lap as if nothing is happening but I can read her face, she's sadden by this but I suddenly felt a serge of hate towards my mother making me want to throw up looking at her. 

She knew that her plans were sickening and weren't going to do me any good, I could see it written across her face. She wasn't doing this for me, she was doing it for her. I know she doesn't love me, she never has and never will. To her I'm just a broken toy, a useless waste of a human being, nothing but trash to her eyes. 

The doctor sighed rubbing her temples like all the weight was on her shoulders, well news flash lady your not the one being fucking emitted to a loony bin with out your consent now aren't you, you pathetic bitch. She clasped her hands in her lap before standing up, straightening out her black pencil skirt before handing some forms to my mother, smiling down to me like a wicked clown, bearing their teeth to scare children,I knew she was evil along. 

"Thank you doctor, when will he be- instituted?" My mother hesitantly asked like I was death, thinking her words could just walk right over me like I was worthless dirt while she stomped on me without a care in the fucking world.

The doctor peered down to her worthless notes before pursing her lips to the side giving a sadden sigh making my scoff, I knew she wasn't sad for me, she was lacing her happiness with fake sadness so she wouldn't seem like the bitch that she utterly was. 

"Today I believe"

I gripped the armrest harder when I heard a crack of the flimsy wood give away just like my heart just did. They wanted to fucking institute me today, thats going to happen. I'm fine, I'm not fucking sick, why can't they believe me.

"Oh Frank" My mothers eyes widen seeing the wood break under my force. I stood up from the chair giving them death glares. She had guilt written across her face as the folded the forms in her hands before reaching out to me but I flinched away, not wanting to be touched by the monster who was doing this to me.I felt tears prick my eyes from anger and sadness that seemed to overwhelm my emotions at this point of time. 

"I'm sorry sweetie, we have to" She tried once more but I blocked her out from my head. This was happening to fast for my liking, Why couldn't they see the world from my view, from my eyes. I'm not sick, I'm not crazy nor fucking insane. I'M FINE!

"You'll regret this mother"

***

An unsettling feeling arose in my gut as the doors of the mental institution opened up letting my mother walked through as I froze at the door. This was it, this is how it was going to end. I was going to die here, I know it will come to the point where I can't bare to wake up everyday and live like this, I will die, I will DIE.

Mother turned around with a fake pained expression dropping her arms back to the side after brushing her brown hair away from her eyes. We shared the same eyes, it sickened me, I wanted to gauge them out so I'd be blind instead of having familiar features to the monster who claims is my mother. I prefer the term evil care giver since she's never acted like a mother to me, I don't see her like that any more. I did when I was little, I once loved her until I fully understand her true colours.

"Franklin please" Her hush voice was soft not making the sickening feeling any better. 

Struggling to get my feet through the door, it closed behind me, making my throat close up as my mouth ran dry. The feeling of suffocating was growing rapidly as my eyes flicked across the room inspecting everything as it was going to kill me and perhaps it was. Mother grabbed my arm softly with her older hand but I snatched it away wrapping it around my self, not wanting to be poisoned by her touch. Giving a fed up sigh she continued to walk over to where we supposedly check in, I gnawed at my cheek on the inside of my mouth until the familiar taste of metallic laced my tongue making me stop my movements for now. 

The man in white up the front smiled at my mother before parting his toxic lips to give us a speech.

"Hello ma'am how may I help you" My mother smiled at his kindness. She dug through her stupid handbag pulling out the forms the doctor gave her, handing them to the man in white as he nodded flicking through the pages like he was correcting failed exams. I stood their as paranoid fears ate away at my stomach, my eyes kept flicking around the room as it felt like people were surrounding me when in reality I knew no one was near me. 

"Frank correct" The man in white spoke to me, I winced at his happy tone before I gave a hesitant nod seeing him offer me a sickening smile. He stood up from the behind the counter that was protected by bullet proof glass so crazy people couldn't punched their well deserved face. He rounded the corner of the small office with a clip board writing some useless notes down before making exchange of words with my mother as I stood behind them, glancing to the door. I could easily run right now, run from my mother, from this institute, run away from everything and everyone. 

Looking over to the corner of the room I saw a male who was tall, I could tell despite him sitting down against the corner of the room. His brown hair was roughed up as a sad looked laced his skinny face, from here I could tell he had bag under his eyes as his knees where tucked up to his chest as he hugged them, resting his head on them. He didn't look insane nor crazy, no he just looked utterly depressed like no light was left here for him and perhaps there wasn't. This placed seem like it would take any source of sanity and happiness left in you away. 

"Are you ready to be suited to your room?" He asked like my consent was worthy of speaking out at this point. I shrugged my pathetic shoulders not daring to make eye contact with him. I hated making eye contact with people, most of the time I never looked my doctor in the eye, only down to the floor, past her head or at my fingers but never directly in the eye. 

"Sorry but its only patient beyond this point" He informed my mother, hearing her give a sadden sigh she went to hug me but I flinched away seeing hurt lace her eyes, she straighten up giving a slight nod. 

"You be good okay" She tried to smile but I didn't return it, what was I going to do in here? Fucking murder every single living soul with a fucking pencil that I keep under my pillow for protection. Or maybe I might just poison them with the non drugs I have. She gave me once last look before taking her self out of the room and out of the doors leaving me alone in the institute with an unsettling feeling my stomach. He nodded for me to follow as he reached another set of doors, opening them up revealing a blinding white hallway. We walked down as banging on doors made me jump every time it echoed through my ears. 

"Your not being suited here, these are solitary confinement cells" He in formed me like it was going to make me feel so much fucking better about being locked up.A peered through the small window of a door seeing a mad man punching the hard bricked wall, his knuckles bleeding, leaving traces of blood with each and every punch he threw making me gulp nervously. 

Entering another fucking door, it surprised me the room we ended up in. It looked like a regular support group room making me confused since I thought it'd still be like back in the old days where there was only metal bared furniture as they bathed you in the middle of the fucking room in a small tub.

"This is the common room, if you behave you get to be out here" I nodded uninterested as he continued to non psychically drag me towards where ever we were heading. Through another god dam door he came to a stop where a hallway had a series of five doors along the walls. One door was opened revealing a male that looked around my age laying on his bed heading hanging over the edge as his hair hanged below him. His brown eyes fixated over to me growing wide before a smirk laced his lips.

"This is your room Frank. You're in east wing, B14" He pointed to the number on my door. This was it. I officially had my own room in the mental institute but I'm not fucking sick why can't they listen to me. 

"Your new doctor will be in to see you shortly before dinner okay" He nudged me into the room before the man in white left me alone. He didn't shut the door which I found really fucking odd, since I could just wonder away. Looking around I saw clothes already packed neatly on the end, there was a grey jumper with a white shirt along with a black one, grey sweat pants and a pair of denim jeans. At least they gave up slight choice of clothing instead of wearing fucking pajama type clothes all day. I guess I just use the shoes I came in here with, which was a black and white pair of converse.

The room was surprisingly nicer than I thought. I thought I was going to be living in a broken tiled room, with a metal bed with no mattress as broken toilette laid beside my bed. But it was different, there was a single bed in the corner with a set of draws beside it and a small desk in the other corner. 

I still wanted to leave, I needed a way to escape, theres got to be a way out of this place or it will kill me slowly. Walking to the window covered by metal bars on the outside, I peered out still seeing my mothers car there. I watched angrily carefully as she wiped her eyes before working on turning the key in the ignition, proceeding to pull out of the parking lot as the gates out in front let her through as they slowly opened then closed as she drove away. 

If she really did love me she wouldn't have left her only child here. I knew she didn't love me but then again who would.


	2. Accidental rage

:Insomnia-/ɪnˈsɒmnɪə/-habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep, Wakefulness they say:

:I think the most common cause of insomnia is simple;It's Loneliness-H.L:

 

Gerard's POV

The sound of every other patient that lived in this institute swarmed the cafeteria as breakfast was being served on pathetic excuses of trays. Looking down to mine a disgusting sand which laid in front of me, the bread slices where just throw on whatever the sand which contained. It was more than likely to be poisoned so I pushed the tray away from me groaning as my stomach growled at me for doing so but it was for the best. I didn't want to be POISONED. 

"Not eating today Gerard" The familiar voice echoed to me. Looking up the man in white also known as Josh stood beside me holding a soft smile before sitting across from me at the table trying to engage in conversation but its simple; I don't talk to doctors. 

Shaking my head I rested my arms on the table before perching my chin on them avoiding eye contact with the doctor. He seems to have a fantasy that if he spends most of his days here sitting near me with a smile and speaking to me then I'll magically talk to him. Well news flash I don't speak to doctors, never have and never will. They're evil.

"Your mum will be in today for visit" My eyes squeezed shut. Great just what I wanted now isn't it. Nothing more than to see the women who is the reason why I'm in here. She only wants to see me miserable, only wants to see me dropped to my knees as I beg for a way out but thats is not the satisfaction I'm willing for her to get. 

"Will you at least speak to her, she's concerned" To that I laughed shaking my head, like full on laugh getting slightly concerned eyes from Josh. I don't laugh nor smile in this place so laughing like that spooked him. I knew for a fact my mother didn't car so trying to act like she does just makes me laugh at his fucking stupidity but of course she doesn't know that because I don't talk.

"Gerard" Looking up Josh was looking for my eyes, I could just tell despite not actually looking him in his eyes. I gave a hesitant nod before he stood up collecting his clipboard then proceeded to walk away talking to the actual crazy people of this place. Silence filled my ears as the table instantly making life better just for a moment. 

CLANG!

The sudden sound of something being smack down against a hard surface made me jump as my head tuned to scan the room seeing the kid known as Tyler I believe fell over, chest smacking against the table as he fell over on it. I winced but glared when I saw a foot sticking out where his would have walked. Following up the leg of the attacker I saw no one else but Bert I believed smiling, his crooked and dysfunctional teeth on show, making me instantly feel better about mine that were actually clean.

Tyler soon fell on the floor with a shocked face but then he glanced around with wide eyes before shaking his head as pure terror filled his expression before he shot up gripping me hair. I was convinced that he was one of the crazies of this place, I knew for sure that he hears voices, poor thing his younger than I. His hair tugging soon followed but running out and back down to the east wing where his room was store. I had taken time to find out where most people I knew slept, not to be creepy but if you were here for years then you would too. 

***

"Gerard, your mother is here" Josh knocked on my door as my gaze was busy staring at the crack in my wall. Knowing that ignoring her for this long probably wasn't the best idea since when I do finally leave she'll kill me, just like everyone leave, so standing up from my bed I pushed past Josh wrapping my arms around my self as my boots thumped against the wall down the blinding white hallway. Banging of peoples fist hitting the walls repeatedly as we walked down the solitary confinement cells made my skin crawl hearing how much pain people will put them selves through just to be free, most of the time they were strapped in straight jackets and still make the sound noises,truly craziness fills their minds. 

Once the door was opened for visitation Josh pointed out my mothers ugly face before letting me wonder over to her my self. Her eyes that were symmetrical to mine instantly found me, standing up at the table she waved and smiled over to me. I stopped for a brief moment swallowing thickly before sighing defeated before slumping over to the table, pulling out the chair I dropped my self in it ignoring her open arms for a hug. 

She scowled before politely and softly seating her self from across the table lacing her fingers in her lap before looking up to me. I stared just past her head not daring to look in to her devious eyes. Most would say how I react around my mother is rude and I should be taught a 'lesson' but I couldn't give a shit about my mother no matter how hard she tries to act like a loving mother. 

I glanced up to the clock, 3:15. Visit finished at 3:25 so I had to sit through for ten minutes and I could be back in my room staring at the crack in the cement once again.

"Gerard Please" Her voice filled my ears. No matter how sad or depressed her tone sounded I couldn't fall for it, not again not ever! I found my eyes slowly wondering from past her head and from the clock to meeting her slowly which made her smile slightly. In a normal situation I could have possibly smiled at the women but this wasn't normal. Seeing your son in a fucking mental institution was fucking normal!

I raised an eyebrow indicating her to get on with whatever she pleased to say to me for this visit but instead she made an light bulb idea face before leaning over to the side, down into her bag looking for what ever she was after. 

When she sited her self properly what she held shined something glitter of happiness through me but I knew it'd be crush rather quickly. She held up a black sketch book with a pencil in the spine before sliding it over to the table for me to inspect. I cautiously took the book eyeing her carefully but she made no intentions of putting into plan just yet. Flicking through the pages, it was new, I knew for a fact they destroyed everything of mine back home well ex home. All my sketch books would have been destroyed by now which sadden my slightly.

"Your father misses you Gerard" My head snapped up to the mention of my father, I gritted my teeth together painfully but made no intentions of stopping as I gripped the sketch book tightly with my tired hands. She knew exactly how things go down when the mention of that monster is brought up in conversations but she never fucking learns. Thinking every time you bring it up will magically get better the next, wow she has to win the award for the worst stupidity ever. 

I shrugged my shoulders going back to the clock.

5 minutes left.

"He will be visiting next week" Clenching my fist tightly where crescent moon shapes from my nails were engraved in my palm I shook my head with anger seeing my mother sigh clearly annoyed with me but I told you she never fucking learned from last time when he visit, I ended up being the one chucked in solitary confinement when it should have been him. Its been a year and a half since I've seen that face and its been fucking delightful. 

Turning my head around trying to block her voice from my head I took notice of how everyone that was seeing people, they seemed happy, loved but it only made me more unhappy knowing I'd never know what that feels like but perhaps its mean't to be that way.

One table contained a boy who my eyes were immediately drawn to. It was like I felt my pupils dilate as I scanned him from the tip of his shoes to his inky hair. He wore black converse as the jeans they give us covered them slightly as he hands rested on his thighs, he had sweater paws from being to small for the jumper. I'd say he was beautiful but then again nothing was beautiful, it was just an illusion of the mind, playing tricks on whoever thinks.

He continued to look down at his lap as the women from across reached over to rub his arms but he flinched away which for some fucking odd reason made me flinch as I continued to watch the pair. 

He didn't look crazy.

He looked lost.

"Gerard!" My focus was brought back to my mother as she was standing up from her chair slightly leaning over the table supporting her self on her hands to seem intimidating making me scoff from her attempt. 

I mouthed the word 'no'. No for this, no for my father, no for EVERYTHING.

Pushing my chair backwards dusting off my black jeans before proceeding to stand up blowing the hair from my eyes. She stood up straight as well eyeing me with her arms crossed.

"He's coming whether you like it or not, so if I was you I'd stop acting up, you remember what happened last time" She smirked sending me over the edge. Anger boiled up in my chest as I grabbed the pencil from the book, flicking it opened to a blank page before pressing to the pencil to the paper violently where the tip of the sharp led snap and blew away as I wrote the two letter word. 

'No' in bold letters.

Showing her the note she, her eyes went fiery looking from the book to me before slamming her hands down onto the cold metal table making the sharp noise of skin meeting table filling my eyes.

"You listen here, your father has been nothing but a good man to you, not his fault your fucking broken" She hissed making me step back before instantly making a decision which could possibly get me thrown back into solitary confinement. I'm Not fucking broken, I'm not fucking sick, I'm Not fucking Crazy.

I dropped my sketch book and pencil before swiftly picking up the metal chair up above my head before slamming it back down hitting the table in the process. The bang echoed out through the room making other humans gasp from the sudden noise as my mother jumped back scared. 

The chair fell down as Josh was quick to my side grasping my arm tightly that it almost hurt. I struggled to get free but when I finally did I stepped back holding my hands in defense before picking up the book, still on the same page from before I held it back up to my slightly frighten mother. Josh knew that I would never actually hurt anyone and that sometimes I get ticked off very easily, I had been here for years and never had hurt any body. I was only thrown into solitary confinement for trying to hurt my father but never actually succeeded. 

Showing it to her once again to get the fucking message across in her thick head.

'No'

Glancing up to the clock

3:25

Shrugging Josh's hand on my arm roughly, he let me go before I walked back down the room passing the boy from before that watched my every move with wide eyes, when making eye contact as I walked passed him I saw his bright crystal hazel iris's frighten but I didn't stop walking until I was finally back to my room where for once in today I could get some fucking peace. 

***

I slowly recovered from before, feeling the tingle of anger being lifted off my chest but the same feeling of cold darkness still feasted in my body making my mind numb as my thoughts were blocked. The moon light filtered through my window shining down onto my bed hitting my face coldly. The moon always hypnotised me, its bright white patterns that swirl within the orb seemed to make everything go away when you focused on it but it was only a matter of time before the thoughts came back, drowning you once again.

Knock

Knock

Rolling over my bed and facing the door way I saw a figure standing at the door, I could just make out that it was the boy from earlier. He stood there foot resting on the other as his hands played together as the too-long sleeves fell over them. Sitting up not wanting company I gave him my usual 'What do you want' glare that I give to everyone although I've never seen him here before,seeing him nod before he stepped through the doorway and cautiously stepped over to me before extending his hand out. 

In his fingers he held the pencil my mother gave me today with the book. Realising I must have dropped it along the way I plucked it from his fingers feeling his skin cold like ice before he quickly backed up turning away. I wanted to say thank you before he left but I couldn't because I do not TALK.


	3. Out side world

Psychopath/ˈsʌɪkəpaθ/-a person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behaviour.- 

:Alone?;No, Psychopath:

"Morning Gerard!" The cook from behind the counter serving us a bowl of poison cheered making me wince from the sudden noise to my tired soul. This women was always happy, sad really, she spends her life serving food to mentally unstable people who would more than likely would kill her if it was out side of here. What amazed me that she wanted to work here, she wanted to be around nut cases and people who literally talk to thin fucking air.

Hunching my shoulders forward in a tired sense I nodded for grabbing my bowl of-corn flakes ah yes the said excuse for proper cereal. This shit was home brand and cost a dollar a box, a box of what tasted like cardboard and metal flakes. Shuffling over to my table, yeah its known as mine since no one else sits here, probably because I'd just snap at them for annoying my personal space. Hunching over the table my stomach growled at me begging to eat since I had skipped all meals yesterday because I didn't want to DIE but I needed to eat, I was aware of that.

Failing to see the appealing side to the soggy bowl of wheat I picked up the metal spoon as milk dripped from the bottom as it fell of the side before shovelling it in my mouth, swallowing the disgusting content feeling my stomach growl with happiness. The milk tasted like water making me gag almost but if I pass out again then it'd either be the hospital or solitary since I've done the whole starving myself act numerous of times and they're getting fed up.

"Quiet an act on Monday Gerard" Josh states slyly taking a seat, the same feelings at breakfast from yesterday crossed my mind but instead yesterday I was planning on ways how I could shove my breakfast down Josh's throat but now I was trying to figure out how I could possibly break all ten fingers of his in record time. Quirking an eyebrow up at the man in white before back down to my now drowned and waterlogged cereal making me frown. 

"You knew Princeton would find out about this right" He stated as I continued staring down to my sad bowl as my longish coal black hair fell down beside my face, creating a barrier from me to the world sickening world that surrounds me. The trick for doctors is to pretend your listening to what they're saying, since I don't talk to them I just have to nod to get them to go away, quiet simple really. They were only discussing the event now since yesterday I didn't leave my room, no I just sat and stared at the tallies that litter my wall. 

I knew Princeton would kill to get her hands around my throat right now and watch me loose breath my from dying lungs as she suffocates me but the thing was she can't since she was my doctor, the women who keeps me trapped here, the women who keeps me hyped up on meds because thats what my so called family pays her for. 

I couldn't see why they wouldn't just lay me off the meds, they weren't working since all I do is stare at a fucking wall when I'm in my room and still feel the same immense feeling of cold darkness racking my body, I was done for and nothing could stop that so why continue trying. Nodding to Josh I was about to write I snarky remark on the sketch pad that I bothered to bring instead of ignoring everyone for once but it was too late he was already standing up.

"See you around Gerard" You certainly will not.

***

The feeling of cool leather underneath my palms of the armrest on the couch I was currently seated on made some sense of calm sensation run through my arms. Princeton was stuck up about me seeing her, I knew what was coming, the yelling before trying to reason with me before the big almightily things get better Gerard. I've heard it millions of times before and quiet frankly I'm sick of those words, I could easily sit here and mouth them perfectly as they leave her lipstick covered lips.

When she shut the door the sense of being trapped settled in the back of my mind as my eyes flicked up to the clock.

11:45

"Gerard" She addressed me. Thank you I didn't know my name but I do now. Scoffing to my self I looked up to her but not in the eye, just passed her head so it seemed like I was looking at her rather than fixating on the broken tree outside her window, who looked as dead as I did most days. The dark rings around my eyes, pale skin with long coal black hair wasn't helping my problems any more, just made me look like death its self but perhaps thats wasn't a bad thing maybe I was destined to look like what I wanted.Death.

"Monday wasn't expectable" I nodded 

"Why did you do it?" She urge pushing her glasses up slightly. Brushing off her desperate look I lifted my self up from the seat grabbing my book that I sat on before flicking to a page before slipping the pencil from my sleeve out, pressing the hard led to the page writing one word, one word only.

'Her'

Princeton looked at the page titling her head slightly before nodding clasping her hands together on the desk. I could tell by the way she pursed her lips and sighed, she knew exactly who I was talking about, she knew all to well which is why she seemed to calm down. 

"Yes well Gerard I'm afraid throwing chairs won't solve your problems" 

'No?' I held up the paper. She shook her head as there was another option, I knew there wasn't but hey better to be safe then sorry. She scanned over a paper that laid in front of her before circle something in red pen for flicking over onto another booklet.

"Gerard do you feel that the medication is working?" Princeton asked.

Was the medication working, let me think. I still don't sleep, seeing shadows among the walls that aren't indeed there but she doesn't know that, still feel cold nonstop, constant flashes of what death and hell would be like fill my mind whenever I do fall asleep so who knows maybe it is working. I shrugged my shoulders tiredly. 

'No' I held up the same note again seeing her nod before leaning over the desk slightly like she was about to reveal the worlds most exciting news but the thing was nothing here was exciting nor happy, it was a miserable excuse for living. 

"Right, I believe it might be the best if I switch you to Trazodone. This will help will the insomnia okay" She smiled, I nodded seeing her sigh before writing her notes down. I was to tired to bother fighting with her. Last time she changed my medication I completely lost it resulting me getting pinned down by Josh and another man in white. She thinks it's only insomnia buts it much more than thats, its always much more.

"Another thing I wanted to talk about besides the insomnia was your-social interaction. I know you're set in your ways but I believe making some sense of campion might be worth your while" 

I shook my head instantly feeling panic rise in my chest and up my throat, almost terrified that I was about to spew my stomach content up onto her very expensive looking rug. I've been here for years yet it still amazed me how she had the guts to keep something so expensive here.

I hadn't made a single friend in here and I wasn't about too, I was happy being alone, I was happy sleeping and sitting by myself. It was quiet and non stressful and I wanted to keep it that way. I was mute. Mute's don't make friends easily, no one wants to friends with a mute, especially when they want to talk yet you can't, physically and mentally, theres a boundary and I can't cross it or results are fatal. 

"Look I'm not saying you have to befriend anyone okay, but there's a new kid Frank, if you happen to cross him it wouldn't hurt to be nice to him. No throwing chairs" She smiled making me scoff glancing to the clock. I didn't care about Frank, I didn't care that he was new, I didn't care about anyone not even myself so hearing this information was useless to me. Looking over to her I accidentally caught her eyes making me flinch before settling them back on the clock feeling relief fill my head. 

12:01

She followed my gaze before making an 'ah' face before walking back around to take a seat. She waved me off.

***

Princeton had insisted that I stepped foot out side for once in my god dam life so thats what I'm doing now. Josh gave me a weird look as to when I asked where the door was that led to the outside wonderland because I had never seen it to go out there. Leaving through the I squinted as my dull eyes were met with the sunlight that touched the earths surface softly. 

Searching around, the surface held nothing was tree's, a flower garden that was surrounded by a brick wall thing where patients were sitting on they seemed happy since smiles ghosted over their lips, good for them. Seeing a tree by the fence that protected this place I dragged my boots over there before dropping my self against the trunk of the tree letting the shade envelop me. 

The outside world wasn't all that bad out here. I mean I'd easily burn since I'm white like snow and I don't feel like turning red and standing out like a sore thumb which is why I chose the tree plus here is quiet and I'm by my self well was until someones shadow leaked near me making me concentrate on the blade of grass in between my fingers rather than the unknown person near me. 

"H-hi" A small quiet voice whispered out making my ears instantly prick up. Struggling to tear my eyes from the blade of grass I took a reassuring breath before looking up feeling my pupils dilate with curiousity. The boy from monday who immeditantly caught my eye was standing in front of me, one foot resting on the other, hands playing with the too-long sleeves, it was exactly how it presented him self when he delivered my lost pencil back to me. 

I couldn't find a single reason as to why he would want to be near me, not a single reason on my pitiless mind could I find one. I met his eyes just I did with Princeton's making me advert my gaze quickly, but made me confuse was yesterday when we made eye contact I didn't feel like he was going to try and get inside my head nor hurt me, which is what I feel with everyone. 

He stood uncomfortable since I didn't vocalise my self because I'm mute so I grabbed my sketch pad and flicked over to a new page writing out my response.

'Hello' He read it before quirking an eyebrow up.

"A-are you sick?" He asked since I didn't talk.I couldn't understand if he meant physically or mentally but I was neither. Shaking my head he tugged on his sleeve harder. 

"M-May I s-sit?" He stuttered out. Deciding not to be an arse to the clearly terrified kid I nodded seeing him relax slightly before dropping himself to the ground with a thud. He tucked his knee's up to his chest still keeping one foot rested on the other. 

"I'm F-frank" So he was Frank, the newbie to this insane asylum, good god help his poor soul. 

'Gerard' 

He nodded at the note before turning his attention else where.

He didn't make any more noise or speak, he just clasped his hands in his lap examining the floor of grass that it was the only thing that mattered in life. God he shouldn't be here, he was to young, he looked like everything had broken away from him leaving him nothing. He shifted around before rising his eyes slowly, x-raying everything until he managed to catch my eyes which is very RARE for someone to do since I'm usually able to move them quicker then theirs but there was something about him I couldn't take my eyes away from. Something was drawing me to him but I couldn't figure it out and it was killing me.

Maybe it was the inky hair that fell just over his eyes when he moved or the hazel eyes that x-ray everything or maybe its just the fact that he could potentially be a psychopath who is still planning my murder but what ever it is I hope it wasn't the last one since that was my job.


	4. First time for everything

:Blasphemy/ˈblasfəmi/:the action or offence of speaking sacrilegiously about God or sacred things; profane talk.

:Where there is no belief, There is no Blasphemy. S.R:

Insomnia weakness the body. It literally drains every ounce on energy and fight you have left in your useless body, so when things rip you from your sleep you finally grasp you can't help but feel anger and disappointment rippling through your body.

Tearing my painfully tired eyes open to be greeted by darkness filling my room with only small amounts of moonlight shining room, I was confused as to what I was hearing that awoke me. Sitting up from the blankets muffled noises echoed through and under my door making me confused. I was tempted to let it be and what ever it was but what made me ever more concerned was when it got louder and I understood what it was. 

Crying.

Ripping the blanket from my tired self, I touched the cold floor with my bare feet before scrapping them across over to my door where I pressed my ear against the hard surface to get a better listen in. Stepping backwards I carefully twisted the knob before letting it opened revealing the dimly lit hallways. Technically we weren't meant to be out here or we could possibly get in trouble but I needed to no what was keeping me from getting sleep that I rarely get. 

Slipping out into the hallway I shuffled down towards where the sound was coming from, when it got louder and louder I stopped when I realized it was coming from instead the bathrooms. I mean who'd cry in there, I'd do it in my room where I could lock my self in but I don't cry so I guess I would't know. The unknown person in there must be in a lot of pain if I could hear it clearly from my room. So I pushed the door opened when I heard water rushing, I mean someone could be in the shower but it was currently 1:32am going by the clock on the wall. 

Slowly scanning the room I saw a stream of water running from the head off it when a rather loud sob run into my ears. Following the water I froze when I saw him.

Frank

Frank was huddled up underneath the water clutching himself, knees tucked up to his chest as he sobbed into them. I could tell the water from ice cold since no steam arose from the water and he was directly under it. I didn't want to approach him but wanted him to know I was here but I couldn't speak.Maybe just once for him. No absolutely not, I couldn't, not yet. 

I very much wanted to speak, something but the state he was in made me want to break my mute and scream to the top of my lungs for him but I couldn't.

Approaching him slowly water hit my feet when I realised he had been sitting on the drain making up splash out onto the rest of the tiles. He still didn't take any notice of my presence making me frown but I crouch down gentle gliding my hand over to touch his knee softly watching his head suddenly shoot up before he yelp trying to scramble away but his feet were moving aimlessly against the wet tiles, sliding along until he was pressed up against the wall. I watched with wide eyes as his chest rose and fell violently. He was trembling, shaking from the water, teeth chattering dangerously loud. 

"G-Gerard?" He sounded shock, like I wasn't real, sometimes I wonder if I'm even real. Water fell down his face as his hair dripped over his eyes, clothes hugging his little body tightly. I needed to speak to him, I NEEDED to.I haven't used my voice in over five years, I simply forgot how it felt, I don't even talk to my self, only mentally. I scooted closer getting wet by the water before grabbing his arms carefully making him sit on his knees so we were eye level. He look prettified, like whatever he feared was in front of him, like I was the monster under the kids bed at night. 

"F-f-f-frank" I chocked out coughing since it hurt, it really did. He watched me with wide eyes as he heard my broken voice. I swallowed feeling my vocal cords being stretched after years. 

"W-what a-a-are y-you doing?" I struggled but got the hang of it eventually feeling the need to swallowed after every word from dryness. He didn't answer instead he felled backwards agains and clutched his knees tighter as I saw tears flow freely from his red puffy eyes, he looked like he had been crying for hours on end. I usually didn't care about people who cried or were upset because that was me, I didn't care about anyone nor anything but he seemed different. 

"T-t-they came a-again" He stuttered but I couldn't process the madness behind his words.

"Gerard?" Josh's voice appeared from behind. Turning slowly his eyes adverted to the wet Frank instantly rushing over to him pushing me out of the way causing me to almost slip over. Stepping to the side Josh shut the water off instantly making me feel like an idiot for not thinking to do that. 

Josh helped Frank up as he struggled to stand up on his own, Frank watched me with wide eyes like I was a ghost.

"He-he spoke" Frank whispered as Josh helped him walk away.Frank was dumbfounded, astound that I could vocalise my self even though it killed mentally. 

"Gerard doesn't speak Frank, hasn't for over four years now, come on" Josh lead him out as he wrapped a towl around the boy. I felt bad now since Frank is probably going to think his insane for hearing my voice. I couldn't have Josh or Princeton thinking I could speak, that I was capable of it.

I followed them out seeing more late shift doctors help Frank as Josh returned to me. Raising an eyebrow he crossed his arms.

"D-did you actually speak Gerard?" I shook my head no, he nodded getting his hopes up before ordering me back to bed where I wasn't going to get any more sleep. Weird I actually found myself hoping Frank was okay which was weird since I never do.

***

I watched him as he sat down at the table across the room. He stared at the tray of food that sat in front of him before he hunched his shoulders forward following by pushing the tray away. Something inside me was glad he was okay, glad he was alive making me confused as to why I felt that way towards the newbie. 

These thoughts were fucking with me. I didn't care. I didn't care. I didn't care. I care. No I DON'T. I could't help but wondered what they did to him after, shock therapy, meds or worse needles. Fucking needles, little thin piece of dirty metal with a hollow end being injected in to his vein for blood. The thought of it made my stomach churn. 

"Gerard" I flinched slightly seeing Princeton standing beside my chair. Avoiding her gaze I stared at the clipboard he was holding. Her nails were painted dark blue, almost to dark to make out the blue shimmer they give off, like midnight oceans.

"Frank said you spoke last night, is this true?" I shook my head almost violently, I can't have her knowing either.

"I want to say t-thank you Gerard" Princeton sounded proud but also astound that she was capable of saying thank you to a person like me, who has never done anything to gets a thank you. 

I nodded

"Talk to him"She froze her shooting my a apologetic look, I could see it with my peripheral vision which I've learned to use quiet a bit being stuck in here. She knew she screwed up with her words, she knew I didn't talk but if she heard me last night she would have fallen over backwards and gave her self brain damage.

"He wonders about you" with that her heels clicked against the tiled floor as she walked away, I thought I was about to endure peaceful silence when someones body slumped down on the other side of the table. Looking up I met his hazels eyes.

His face was pale as he distracted him self with his thumbs twiddling them against one another as his eyes fidgeted side to side like something was after him. When he rose his head his eyes looked dull, like galaxies with no stars, almost seemed like the water from earlier washed the colour out, letting them fade away. He chewed on his bottom lip roughly, fearing he'd rip the flesh from his bottom lip I grabbed my sketch pad and wrote a note.

'Stop' 

He looked up shocked that I was giving him orders. 

"W-why don't you speak?"

I scribbled another note

'Mute' It was half honesty, I didn't want them to hear, the doctors didn't need to know what I sounded like, I preferred to keep it hidden from their prying ears. But also he couldn't know, the unknown figure that looms at my window and door at night, he can't know I have vocalised my self, he'd kill me for sure if I haven't done it first.

"B-but you spoke to me?" Frank urged.

'You were hurting?' I didn't know whether adding the question mark was a good thing since it'd make him think back to before.

"I-I thought I imagined seeing you, I t-thought you w-weren't real" His lip quivered which made his mouth agape slightly before his eyes fidgeted around the surface of the table before standing up and proceeded to rush out of the cafeteria leaving me watching his moves intently before once again I was alone. 

Why did he run. Was I mean't to not know about last night? Why did he think I wasn't real. Did he think he made the whole me speaking thing up, like I was a vidid illusion of his mind, I don't even feel real anymore. 

His continuous of unknown emotions made me question him quiet a lot. 

I needed to find out why he's here, there was something about him that wasn't quiet there I could tell but other than that he seemed almost normal.


	5. All out

:schizophrenia-/skɪtsə(ʊ)ˈfriːnɪə/-a long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behaviour, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation.:

:Schizophrenia cannot be understood without understanding despair-R.D Laing:

 

You know that tingle of fear and excitement you possess when you're technically doing something illegal and could possibly be in big trouble for it, yeah. Wouldn't be the fist time I've been in trouble in here so what's once more going to do. 

Well that feeling was running all down my spine as I shut the door of Princeton's office, locking it before proceeding to pad my feet over to her desk. Opening the draw that was meant to be locked with a key, thousands of files in yellow/white folders laid out in rows in the metal cabinet they were stored in. Neat freak much.

I knew exactly who I was looking for and when their name appeared in black bold letters I plucked the folder out before flicking it open letting my eyes scan over the words. Starting from the name in the title.

Frank Anthony Iero

So what I could gather from the information besides the medical crap since non of that was useful to my current situation. Frank had been suffering from extreme paranoia, seeing people who weren't there as such and minor voice hearing. All signs and symptoms of schizophrenia but they decided to close the case for caution since Frank was still so young, to young to die here. It was believed he also suffered from social trauma, anxiety and depression disorder much like myself.

Scanning down the file, his parents were believed to think he was just acting up since he was a teenager but they weren't quiet aware of how serious his condition was, leaving him to defend himself against the invisible monsters. I clenched my jaw thinking how they couldn't sense a figment of change in their son. After months of therapy, Frank's minor voice hearing turned into suicidal thoughts, he believed they were forcing him into suicide until he snapped, being emitted into hospital three times for attempted suicide before being instituted here, the mental asylum. 

What made me curious was to why he wanted to speak to me, the delusional, sleep deprived freak. They claimed that Frank suffered from sever anxiety disorder making him panic under any pressure of other beings but he seemed less frighten around me, Like I was herbal tea he would consume, settling the nerves. 

Shoving the file back into the cabinet I began to search for mine since I had never read what was actually wrong with me. Parent's told me it was depression and social trauma but it was much more. But much like Frank's parent's they didn't care, they NEVER CARED!

Closing the cabinet slowly and quickly I was getting ready to leave the office with my file when the sound of a key unlocking a door echoed through the office as muffled voices stand out side. My eyes widen thinking how this could possible kill me from Princeton's wrath so I quickly dived over to the corner of the room behind another leather couch as the door opened up, saving myself in time. 

Peeking over the couch just to see, Princeton walked over to her desk.

"Shut the door" the door closed before my jaw dropped as my pupil dilated. Frank took a seat in the leather chair in front of her desk as Princeton flicked through a folder before writing notes down on a piece of paper. 

"Now Frank I've spoken to your mother, she's given her consent to start the new medication but thats only if your willing to?" I watched Princeton purse her lips as Frank stared down into his lap, picking at his nails roughly, I wanted to stop him from making them bleed but it'd give me away.

Frank nodded his head gently, black inky hair moving along with his actions. His hair looked like the only black you could get from a box dye for I knew for a fact it wasn't dyed, It was pure genuine inky black.

"W-will it make them go away?" He whimpered in a sadden tone making something within me whine. Now that I was aware of his state, the voices, the hallucinations and the trauma. He sounded genuinely terrified mentioning them, who ever was in his head. 

"Of course Frank, we can only hope" I scoff at her words while watching. 

"The first few days or weeks may make you feel on edge, depressed even suicidal but we'll monitor your symptoms too see if we need to stop them"

"I-I Thought I made him up" His voice was a whisper not bothering to address what she was just talking about.

"Who?"

"Gerard" He hung his head as his feet attacked one another, kicking each other aimlessly. The fact that my name and being was brought up made me feel weird, a unusual feeling churned within my stomach making me dizzy for a split second before I focused my eyes back on the pair. 

"Why do you say that Frank?"

"He-he spoke to me, b-but everyone saying that I-i'm crazy!" His voice rose as I watched his fist clenched the arm rest, knuckles turning white. I bite my lip from speaking up again. I felt awful, worse then ever knowing I was currently driving him insane and yet I couldn't do anything about it, not until we were away from Princeton's eaves dropping self. 

Princeton sighed, she knew I was mute, she's never actually heard my voice before neither has Josh nor anyone in this clinic. Before I spoke to Frank I had even forgotten what my voice sounded like, which was pretty depressing but things happen. Life seemed to be easier to compute when not vocalising my self despite it can be challenging at times but it mean't I didn't have to speak to strangers or speak up in support group every god damn friday, which means we have it today, GREAT.

"I'm not doubting what you heard Frank it's just he's never spoken and I don't think he will, it's who he is" Her voice went sour at the end making me scoff loudly then I became aware that I had actually vocalised that scoff making Princeton's gaze shoot over to where I was. I instantly cursed at my self seeing her furrow her eyebrows. Her eyes widen for a split second before I adverted my gaze accidentally making eye contact her, dam her!

She collected her self as Frank kept his head down. He was too pure to keep posturing himself like that although I was one to talk. The irony. 

"Frank support group is in 25 minutes, we'll talk more later okay?" He nodded slinking him self out of the chair with a sadden face before closing the door. I sighed before the stern voice I feared slightly echoed out.

"Get here now" Leaping up from the ground I cowardly walked over seeing her leaning against her desk, arms crossed and sour look lacing her face making me gulp slightly. I didn't sit down since I didn't want to go near the fire breathing dragon but my breath hitched when she clicked her heels over to me. I felt her snatch the file from my hand making my eyes widen.

I opened my mouth to have a go at her when I realised what deadly line I was crossing. Shutting my mouth I sighed with anguish before she slammed the file down onto the desk. 

"Why do you have this?" I gave her a stupid look since I couldn't answer her question. 

 

"Gerard you can't go looking for things, this is medical stuff not a magazine okay" I nodded feeling slight shame overwhelm in my chest. 

"You read his, didn't you?" My head shot up at her consumption. Could she read my fucking mind. I mean that'd be pretty cool but then again she'd be frighten from what roams around in my head. She knew I was looking through his file, the look on her face showed everything. 

"You know his condition?" I nodded again hearing her close the cabinet after placing my file that I failed to read back in. 

"Gerard I need to know if you are speaking to him-Because if she claims you are when your not then he could possibly be could into more inattentive care for no reason. That'd mean he'd be sent away, transferred for no reason Gerard." I let her words sink in before I squeezed my eye shut tightly, trying to block out everything but I was failing. I couldn't let them ship Frank away, for some odd reason I needed him here, I needed someone to look out for when I sit in the cafeteria. I couldn't let him be sent away, he needed to stay. 

I nodded watching her check her wrist with the white watch strapping its self around her tannish skin. I checked the time for myself frowning instantly.

2:17pm

Support Group


	6. Trip to darkness

Trauma/ˈtrɔːmə,ˈtraʊmə/a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.:

:Trauma leaves fingerprints on a victim.These don't fade like bruises do E.T:

He sat slumped in his chair as the rest of the circle for stupid support group started forming. His eyes did nothing but x-ray the floor, like he was checking for any miss complete patterns within the carpet. His eyebrow furrowed like he was concentrating on something yet that something I couldn't quiet figure out.

He fidgeted uncomfortably then I remembered what he suffers from.

Social trauma.

I instantly wanted to get him out of here, seeing him pick out his blunt nails, chewing his lips as he smacked his feet together before picking at his jean clothed knees bouncing them up and down nervously. His nervousness was making me slightly anxious, probably because once again I failed to sleep because of that god dam shadow at my window.

When Princeton spoke up to the group I instantly tuned her out, keeping my tired eyes strained on the nervous boy across from me. He only lifted his gaze once meeting one before he quickly looked back down going back to his nervous ticks. These groups were useless, does Princeton honestly think I'm going to get better, despite not being sick, from these group, if anything it makes me even more depressed thinking about how depressed I am. But I'm FINE!

I wasn't even paying close attention to her pitiful yapping until his name was spoken, making me look up only meeting his eyes for a spilt second.

"Everybody this is Frank, please make him feel welcomed" A murmurs of 'hi's and 'Hello's were heard all around the room except for me, I've already made acquaintance with Frank. I knew he didn't feel welcomed here since he tucked himself in like being smaller would protect him more, I know how that felt since thats all I did for the first two years being here.

 

"Why don't you say hello Gerard" A snarky voice from across the room called out. Looking up I say a guy I think was named Billie stare at me with a sly smirk but I quickly adverted my gaze. Shrinking into my chair slightly from being called out on my mute, it made me feel awful yet here I was thinking maybe just maybe today would be okay.

"Leave him alone" A quiet whisper called out so softly I could barely hear it, instantly knowing who it was I saw Frank staring out me with a sadden face, his hazel eyes softened as he told Billie off. Billie scoffed crossing his arms muttering a 'whatever' before gazing out to where ever he fancies. 

I would have smiled at Frank for that but I haven't smiled in years so why start now. We held eye contact for another moment before Princeton's voice echoed out again.

Princeton didn't continue to question about Frank nor the slight argument within the group, she went onto a think he's name was Dallon. 

Dallon to was depressed, he had the marks to show it, dull blue eyes with no light left in them and brown messy hair as he was slumped in a chair with his skinny self. Over the years I had learned he had suffered from sever eating disorder almost dying twice before being shifted into here, where he gained some weight, enough to keep him stable but he still looked deathly skinny to me instantly making me feel fat and overweight just by looking at him. He's tried to talk to me but gave up when I wouldn't budge. But I wrote notes for him to read and he'd happily reply vocally, Dallon was probably the only friend type person I had in here besides Frank but I don't even know if Frank and I are friends.

Tuning her out once again I started aimlessly drawing in the sketch book the devil gave me, remembering that my mother will be here soon with my failed excuse for a father made me pressed the led of the pencil into the page harder angrily making dark silverly lines appear across the page before it was too pressurised making the led snap letting out a crack as the led snapped to the side of the wood. Lifting up the pencil eye level, I frowned before ripping the led from the wood flicking it away then siding my eyes seeing Frank raise an eyebrow before I dropped my pencil onto the paper. 

"Gerard-Is everything okay?" 

I nodded stiffly at Princeton clearly lying since I had no pencil to write with. She pursed her lips thinking about something in that boring mind of hers. 

"Mentally or psychically" Billies laughter made me jump hearing his sly remark as snickers of the people around him joined in. I know he thinks I'm one of the crazies, but I'm not. I'm not fucking Crazy. All His remarks made me feel sick to my stomach so deciding that support group wasn't for me I scooted my chair back, letting its legs slid against the carpet before standing up gripping my sketch book tightly, seeing Frank watch me before I turned around and stormed out. They tell you that comments as such shouldn't effect you and you shouldn't think much of them but no matter how much I try their voices get stuck in my head, fucking with my mind.

Support group was done for me.

It only took me two minutes getting through the building like a maze before I felt the cold nip of fresh hair blow against my face as I managed to sneak pass Josh who was attending to a patient. The tree from the other day caught my eye, my legs had a mind of their own as I slumped down against the tree dropping my sketch book and snapped pencil. The pencil was barely visible in the longish grass.

I tucked my knees up to my chest hugging them and tiredly rested the side of my face on them shutting my eyes letting my hair fall over my face. My body felt so tired and weak from no sleep. I had gotten what like one or two hours last night before the same feeling of coldness racking up my body making my airways feel tight instantly making me fear sleep again. That reminded me that I was starting my new medication today, I'm just praying that it works but who would I pray to, God doesn't exists and if he did why hasn't he ever helped me. 

I heard crunching of now dead steams of grass from shoes and dried up leaves approach me before a delicate voice filled my ears.

"A-are you -okay?" Tiredly ripping my eyes open feeling them sting I looked up be cautious to not make eye contact in case of doctor but felt slightly relieved seeing Frank standing awkwardly in front of me before sitting down gently, crossing his legs placing his hands in his lap. Resting my chin back on my knees to face him I shook my head. 

"N-n-no" I choked since I didn't have a pencil to write and I felt oddly safe enough to talk with Frank but it still hurt slightly to talk with dry vocal chords. Frank smiled crookedly hearing my voice. He plucked a stem of grass with his pale fingers before twiddling it around in his finger watching it intently. 

"Y-you need to stop that" His eyes went slightly dark.

"W-what?"

"Talking then not talking-I keep thinking that when you speak its just another voice and that maybe I'm just seeing things, Seeing more people because thats all everyone here thinks!" He suddenly got louder basically shouting towards the end making me shrink away from him slightly. I didn't mean for him to get upset, I didn't want to make him think theres more voices, it'd be another sign of schizophrenia and he'd be transferred if it got worse all because of my mute. 

He thought I wasn't real again

I don't feel real

I think that'll be better if I wasn't

How could I prove to him that I was real, I was living and breathing, well maybe just breathing since this isn't living, this is dying over and over again every time I take medication or wake up from the rare episodes of sleep. He just watched the stem of grass in his hands as I agape my mouth to speak but no words escape that the usual but maybe it'd ease his mind if I speak to him for now on, only HIM.

"I-i'm r-real" I coughed slumping against the tree letting my legs fall down, crossing them after. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair tugging it roughly like he was fighting against him self. He then proceeded to pick a yellow daisy beside his foot as he sighed once again. Staring at the daisy 

"How do I know that?"

"T-trust me?" 

I knew saying those two words were a instant no, since he tensed up from them leaving my lips like they instantly froze his skin. Pupils dilated he looked at me chewing at the soft flesh of his lips, I could tell his lips had already been kissed and once marked by someone. You could tell by the way they looked, he once had been loved strutted by someone but by seeing how sad he really was maybe things didn't go to plan. 

I felt bad for suggesting to trust me since everything I do is a complete fuck up I mean who am I kidding, I'm just the kid who spent most of his life in fucking hospitals for suicide and living his days talking to humans in white who track and note your every move. They were right. I am BROKEN!

Before we could even converse any more words Princeton's and Josh's voices yelled out to us making me tense instantly muting my self again. We weren't meant to be out here so they're probably not happy with me for storming out.

***

"Gerard" I nodded seeing the man in white hand me a small plastic measuring cup that contained to blue pills instead of the normal white pills I consume daily, ticking my name of on a sheet of paper letting Princeton know I'm drugged up for the day. Hell what if these are poisoned, OMG they're trying to kill me, I'm going to die tonight aren't I? I guess this is it. 

Placing the pills on my tongue and consuming the crisp water Josh handed me I threw my head back slightly letting the pills slip down easier. I felt sick, like I could feel them dissolving in my stomach getting ready to kill me, if I sleep I might not ever wake up. Maybe I should say goodbye to Frank if this is poison. 

Looking around the room I saw Frank shaking his head at Princeton has she tried to hand him pills. He looked terrified then angry, my legs seemed to have a mind of their own since I found myself walking over to the pair. Frank snapped his head to mine with teary eyes clutching himself, arms hugging his torso shaking his head. His file didn't mention anything about fear of pills maybe it was in the medical section I didn't read, dang it!

"It's POISON!" He yelled backing away. Looks like we both fear them poisoning us. I knew he needed them or the 'People' In his mind will come back ending him in the showers again trying to drown himself at their sick commands. Princeton huffed resting to the side letting her hip stick out as her face grew tired and annoyed with the frighten boy. I tapped Princeton's shoulder seeing her glare at me before I made a gesture with my hand meaning I wanted a pen. She with drawled a pen from her coat pocket along with her note pad, trusting me with her property which technically they're not meant to with patients.

'I can help him, if you watch from afar?' I offered on paper wanting to help the frightened boy. She trusted me, I mean I've been here for so long, why wouldn't they?

She read the note giving me a concerned look before nodding me to show him to see if he'd comfortable.He nodded shakily before handing me the cup containing two pills before leaning against the wall exactly 5 metres away with her note pad and pen, don't ask how I knew, I just did. 

Looking up Frank stared at me with wide eyes before glancing to the pills lip quivering. 

"P-place them o-on the back o-of y-your tongue" I order softly giving him tips, getting the hang of speaking once again but still felt uncomfortable knowing it'll get me in trouble sooner or later. He shook his head violently making me worried if his head was going to fall off and roll away against the tiled floor.

"It'll kill me!" He hissed on the verge of tears. I knew he wasn't going to be easy to persuade but I had to least try.

"I-it won't I p-promise" 

"P-promises don't mean anything, My mother promised to look after me, now look where I am!" He had a very good point there, I knew I was failing at this like everything else. 

"P-please, It'll h-help" I nudged the pills towards him watching him shake his head before smacking the pills out of my hands and shoved me back with dark cold eyes making me shiver slightly. I was shocked at his sudden movements and his anger towards me, I was only trying to help him but maybe he didn't need help, He didn't want it.

"I said NO!" He shouted before proceeding to shove me back again roughly causing me to slip over on the tiles bringing him down on top of me since I gripped him for support, making the air in my tired lungs be forced out making me coughed. The back of my head made contact with the tiles making my vision go blurry before stars appeared as my body felt light. Tingles of electricity ran down my arms into my hands as I watched the ceiling staring to feel sick from the pain but I didn't make any movements, I just laid still. As doctors approached us. Frank didn't make any movements either, like he was stuck to me.

"Gerard!" Josh's and Princeton's voice called out but the pain in my head throbbed louder as it got worse making my eyes slip shut as the pain took over. The weight from me chest was lifted up as I heard Frank struggled, calling out my name but I couldn't concentrate on his pleas, only the sever throbbing but then laughter? Where-whose laughing!

Keeping my eyes shut tight I felt my body slowly falling asleep. For once, I could actually get some sleep. 

Maybe I was right. Perhaps I was going to die tonight.


	7. Friendly figure?

Nightmare/ˈnʌɪtmɛː/a very unpleasant or frightening experience or prospect.

:I drag my self out of nightmares every morning and find theres no relief in waking-F.M:

 

Darkness filled my vision as I felt my arms being restrained at the wrist making anxiety rise in my throat. I glanced around as I felt a cold sweat coated my skin before the figure across the room slowly approached me making me yelp fighting against the cold leather against my skin. A throb in my head made me wince as the figure got closer and closer.

Where was I? 

This didn't look like the institute or hospital, I was in a dark room restrained to a metal table thing. The figure stood at my side and as I made eye contact I instantly froze, eyes widen as I scanned the figure. The figure had deathly white skin, black messy hair and black eyes with red rimming the iris. I-it wasn't human. But when it blinked its eyes went dark blue as it started forming into a proper looking human. A black attire soon dressed him from what I could see a knee length cloak jacket hung on his shoulders. His feet covered in thick black combat boots.

He smiled making my stomach churn as his eyes still had that red rim circling the blue. Smiling down to me he raised an hand soon followed by server pain ripping through my head making me scream but then I realised no sound was escaping. I felt like I was choking, felt like hands were gripping my throat, squeezing my wind pipe shut letting no air in. My eyes waters as I noticed dark inky hands gripping on my throat that are connected to the figure. He was surely going to kill.

"L-let g-g-go!" I tried to hiss but no sound came out out. He only smiled and gripped tighter and I couldn't do anything because the restraints stop me from doing so. 

Who was this!

Like he could read my mind he spoke up not letting my throat go as I felt my self starting to loose consciousness again.

"Hello Gerard My name is Dmitri" He smiled wickedly before lights out

***

"Gerard can you hear me?"

I moved my eyes underneath the lids feeling pain still ache in the back of head. Was I alive or finally dead. Did my time for death finally come like I asked. Wait was it uh the figure from before.

Dmitri.

Was that real?

"Squeeze my hand if you can hear me Gerard" How the fuck was I mean't to squeeze your hand if I'm fucking dead. Wait if I was dead then I couldn't think nor hear so I'm alive despite my disgust for it. I tried to move but I still felt numb. Soon gaining more feeling in my lifeless body I felt a hand in mine before I comprehended how to squeeze, giving the persons soft hand a gentle squeeze before it fell slack against theirs.

"He's awake" Then I recognized it was Princeton's voice but where was I. Was I still in the dark room being choked. When I realised I could actually breathed I forced my painfully tired eyes open wincing as bright white lights blinded me the second they opened up. 

I groaned before looking to the side for where I was, it was a medical room in the institute but wheres Dmitri.   
I sat up quickly subsided the violent pain and started breathing heavy. Josh was quick to my side before grabbing my shoulders pushing me gently back down onto the bed, I needed to know where Dmitri was before he attacks again and others but I couldn't since Josh kept me down.

Princeton came into view with a gentle smile and managed to catch my eyes but I didn't fight against it this time, I let her see my eyes because again I was generally terrified as to what was going on.

"Gerard do you remember what happened?" I thought back but I could only picture the dark room and Dmitri, I needed to know who it was, was he real or what. Just another nightmare.

I shook my head gently not know what they were talking about. She sighed writing notes again before handing me a white pill. Suspiciously taking the pill from her hand and the water I downed the pill letting the cold water send some relief over my body as I swallowed it. I wasn't aware how thirsty I was until I was handed the water. Josh released my shoulders but I didn't choose to sit up as my head pounded.

"Frank uh pushed you rather roughly yesterday and your head hit the ground causing you to slip out of consciousness for 18 hours" Princeton informed me. I was knocked out for 18 hours and yet I didn't wake up with a cold sweat, something was wrong since I don't SLEEP. My mind swirled on the idea of Frank being the cause of this. I was in here because Frank got violent towards me. Suddenly I didn't feel very safe around him as I started to remember to incident, I was trying to give him his medication I think if I can remember and he didn't want it or something like that. 

Perhaps Frank wasn't safe to be around but didn't mean I wanted to leave him alone, he needs someone, he's broken and sad here, he needs someone.

I nodded before looking to the ceiling still tired but I wanted to get out of here.

I motioned my hands for a pen seeing Josh fetch me one.

'Where is he?'

"He's in his room I believe but I don't want you going near him just yet okay" I nodded clearly lying because I wasn't going to let him sit there while I avoided him. Yesterday was mainly my fault for trying to help him, I needed to say sorry and make things right that's if he wanted to even see me. 

***

When I was finally allowed out of the clinic it was lunch time. Great. 

Walking slowly towards the cafeteria being careful not to make sudden movements or it makes my eyes water from the jolt of pain. When I finally got there and went to the lunch lady, she titled her head before giving me her usual happy chappy smile that I never ever returned because I don't smile. 

"Back with the living I see" What! Did I die and they had to bring me back from the dead for another useless episode of life. Shrugging I grabbed my bowl of what seemed like soggy corn flakes, the wheat was just mush along with a jam covered slice of toast. My stomach growled as I sat myself along at the table in the corner away from everyone, trying to concentrate on staying alive. 

I slowly chewed my toast tasting the jam's sugariness dissolve on my tongue making me hum in slight appreciation of sugar. Jam was like the only bit of sugar I get in here since I'm not allowed coffee no matter how hard I try to persuade Josh for a sneaky sip of his he only rolls his eyes and pushes me away, literally. Maybe if I speak and wow them with me broken voice then I could get some god dam caffein. 

Scanning the room I noticed Frank's inky hair and starless galaxies eyes no where to be seen making me wonder as to why he was skipping breakfast. I didn't want him skipping breakfast I mean hell even Dallon was eating breakfast, yeah thats right DALLON, the severely depressed and anorexic kid. Scrapping my chair backwards and getting up slowly I left my breakfast on the table and walked out going to look for Frank. I know I wasn't mean to be there for my safety but something within me needed to see him, to at least know he was okay after everything and that he took his medication after I passed out.

Walking down the white hallways of the east wing, I wasn't sure where his room was but it wasn't long until I heard his muttering beside me. Looking through the crack of the door that was opened slightly I saw him standing at the wall of his room before he threw his head back then proceeded to head butt the wall. He did this twice before I realised he wasn't going to stop. Shoving the door open I ran in and pushed him from the wall, getting in between him and the wall holding his head seeing his eyes closed before he teared them open, a scared expression lacing his features. His head was slightly red and going a tad purple from the force.

He backed away shaking his head Making me frown.

"I-I thought I k-killed y-you" He whimpered heart brokenly gripping his hair. Afraid of him going bold I approached him slowly grabbing his hand taking them out of his inky and now messy hair.

"I-i'm okay really" not really since a constant head ache smacked against my skull making my mind swirl. He didn't seem convinced and kept backing away until he was eventually pressed up against the other wall, clutching it, if he had longs nail he would have scrapped the plaster right off the walls. I knew for a fact Frank wouldn't be able to kill anyone even if he had his mind set to it, it wasn't him and never will be.

Deciding to leave him be I put my hands up in surrender before walking pass him and stood out side the door looking back to him seeing him watch me with side eyes before I took of down the hallway. 

Something inside me snapped when I entered my room seeing a yellow daisy laying on my made bed. Approaching if cautiously and picking it up I noticed a small piece of paper wrapped around it stem. Unwrapping it from the daisy it read only two words making my mind spin.

'I'm Sorry'

Looking back at the flower I realised this was the daisy Frank had picked yesterday when I stormed out of support group and he followed. Was he sorry for hurting me, thinking he killed me but if he thought he killed me why leave a note that I'd never read but then again maybe he didn't want me to read and only wanted to feel some sense of remorse against himself for leaving this.

Shoving the note in my pocket, I placed the slightly dying daisy on the window sill. Things changed when I looked up from the little flower into the window seeing not only my reflection but someone who I already feared was behind me.

Spinning around the figure from before stood behind me, arms behind his back as a devious grin lurked along his lips. Knee length cloak swayed slightly like he had only just appeared, the floor around his boots darkened, like he killed anything he stood near including my sanity. 

I pressed my self up against the window trying to back away from him but he held up his hands in defense before clasping them back behind his back. 

"I'm not going to hurt you Gerard" His voice was more gentler than our first acquaintance but ti still made me shiver. He took a step closer making the patch of floor in front of him dimmer. He wasn't real, he wasn't real. He was in my head but I'm not sick! He was going to hurt me, his a monster that will kill me!

HE'S NOT REAL. 

I'm sleeping I'm sleeping I'm sleeping WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

This is just a bad dream Just a bad dream JUST A BAD DREAM!

But I don't dream. I haven't since I've been here maybe it was the meds stopping my mind from running free.

"I'm not a nightmare Gerard, I'm real just like you" Another step before he held out a hand before touching my shoulder instantly making my skin on my shoulder go icy cold but I could feel him, it felt like a human was actually touching me. I jumped away from him backing up against the other wall shaking my head.

"You're not real!"

"But I am, I'm here to help you Gerard" His just fucking with my mind I know if, his not real maybe I have gone crazy. Perhaps everything I feared about my self is finally a reality, maybe I have clicked over to the insanity side of life.

"You're not crazy!" Dmitri shouted making me flinched at his sour hiss as he composed him self. It was defiant that he could read my mind. I wasn't safe here or in my mind anymore.

"I'm going to protect you" He tried to sound pleasing but I only stared wide eyed. He wasn't going to help me, no one wants to help me. From what, him, the monster under my bed at night or myself.

"From the others" Others what other fucking people like Dmitri in my head but if he was in my head how can I feel his icy cold touch. All this thinking and madness was giving me a worse headache. He's not real, your just sleeping, wake up wake up WAKE UP!

Opening my eyes Dmitri seemed to have vanished in thin air yet I was still standing in the same spot. Have I finally fallen into the spiral of madness, the endless pit of utter craziness leaving nothing left for me. My breath came out short and sharp as pain pinched at my head.

***

As night approached I grew slightly anxious about the darkness taking over the pink sunset meaning it was soon time to sleep. I was afraid of Dmitri of coming back, I had only met him this morning and I was now generally terrified to close my eyes, I didn't know what he was capable off and I didn't want to know, he wasn't real, he was just trying to fuck with my mind I hope that was the case. IM NOT CRAZY. Frank was the one with signs of schizophrenia not me but now I feel slightly bad for comparing the man in my head to Frank which reminded me I didn't see him at dinner or for medication either. 

I felt a bad feeling pool in my gut so I trusted it.

Looking at the clock seeing it was 9:15 meaning everyone should be back in their rooms and usually the doctors aren't in the hallway like during the day. Slipping out of my bed quietly and out of my room, I stumbled down the hallway on my weak tired legs until I was face to face with the white door that trapped Frank behind it. He was kept in B22 only a few doors up from mine luckily.

I knocked softly three times and stepped back hearing shuffling around like he was wrestling someone in his bed. 

"Come in" His soft voice whispered as I turned the knob letting the door open as I slipped through the small space I gave myself before closing it again. Moonlight filtered through the room lighting up his bed, I saw his head and hair sticking out of the blanket before he shifted to sit up. Worried that I woke him up I began to apologise but he shut me up pretty quickly but snapping at me in a nice way.

"I-i couldn't sleep anyway" I nodded knowing the feeling. He sat on the edge letting his small legs dangle of the edge, just touching the floor. The moonlight illuminated his pale skin, he was almost glowing as his black inky hair shined out with a blue touch to it, like the ocean during the night. I leaned against the wall, I wasn't sure why I was here but I felt like something was wrong making me slightly anxious. 

He leaned against the wall on his bed that it was pressed against before nodding to the spot next to him. Slowly I approached the bed before slowly lowering my self onto the mattress keeping a safe distance because I know he doesn't do well with direct contact with people but he seemed rather calm at the moment which made me slightly more comfortable in this situation since I probably would die from sadness if I made him uncomfortable.

"I'm so sorry Gerard" He whispered into the dark room as he stared out the window that was directly across from his bed. I shook my head not agreeing with him, it was my fault for forcing meds on him, he was scared, terrified and I probably didn't help. 

"I-it's o-okay" I mumbled tiredly staring at our reflection in the mirror, our reflections were slightly faded from the distant from the bed to window but maybe we were just a bit faded anyway. 

"Im scared" He whispered eyes widen as he continued to stare out into the forest that surrounded the institute, being lighted up by the pearl white moon light.

"Of what?"

"The voices" 

Was all he stated before I felt a hand move around under the blankets then suddenly it clutched my hand that rested on top of the fabric. I didn't know why he was clutching my hand, maybe he was truly scared but the action made something in my chest swell, I wasn't sure if I liked the feeling or not but it didn't go away. 

"I-i can't s-sleep because of t-them" Frank whimpered.

"G-guess w-we're not s-o different" I soothed feeling his grasp soften slightly on my now tingling hand but he didn't move it if anything he moved it slightly to hold it better. When the room fell silent he leaned to the side until he was pressed against me before letting his head fall on my shoulder. I didn't move since Frank must be pretty scared and trusting in me to be this close since if anyone else goes near him he usually starts panicking. I felt his cheek flushed against my shoulder that the shirt slip off slightly, feeling his skin cold against mine. 

If the voices were coming back to him, it'd only make Princeton's assumption correct about schizophrenia, if treatment doesn't work here then Frank get transferred.


	8. Thoughts and questions

Hallucination/həˌluːsɪˈneɪʃ(ə)n/an experience involving the apparent perception of something not present

:Hallucinations are tricking me, making me think I'm about to die:

It was very strange having Frank hold my hand as he slowly fell asleep slumped against my shoulder, head lolling to the side. Being cautious to not wake him I made sure he was in deep sleep before I slowly and gently pushed him to the side so he softly landed on his side before I got up placing the blanket back over him. I couldn't stay in here because I could potentially get in trouble for over stepping his boundaries in Princeton's eyes. 

Stepping out of his darkened room shutting the door quietly I spun around being greeted with a Princeton who held a furious face while crossing her arms tapping her heel base shoe against the tiled floor. Instantly my words muted them selves in my throat.

I even thought about just quickly slipping past and running back to my room shutting my door so she couldn't rub her rage off onto me but her features soften showing that maybe she wasn't mad. Princeton sighed tiredly before rubbing her temples with her free hand while the other held a coffee

Wait coffee, oh my god coffee. GIMME!

I flicked my eyes to the cup then almost to her eyes, repeating them a few times before she shook her head. 

"You're not allowed caffein Gerard" She bemused at my disappointed face. You're not allowed coffee in here, it's ridiculous, they take away cigarettes, most art equipment and god dam coffee, they basically left me with nothing.

"Why were you in Frank's room?" Princeton's voice returned back to the mono tone that made me want to watch paint dry rather then listen to her for hours. Agape my mouth to speak when I realised she wasn't Frank so I kind off gave her a 'I'm mute' Look before she 'oh'ed digging for paper I assume before extending it to me. Scribbling down the truth I held it up.

'I had a bad feeling' Her eyes roamed over the page before nodding in acknowledgment of my apparent usual paranoia. 

"Frank's fine Gerard, if he wasn't we'd know" She reassured me but the feeling from be about Frank returned nipping at the back of mind making me want to scratch my scalp off but I reframed from doing so in front of Princeton. She waved me off, ordering me back to my room for sleep, like that was possible. My room wasn't that far away but when I neared my door the world around me seemed to blur out for a moment making my eyes strain to focus of anything. My head felt suddenly light, my heart thudded painfully as I slumped into the wall for the support feeling my knee's weaken but I managed to push my body to my door stumbling in before slamming it shut behind me. 

Laying on the bed didn't help, my mind felt like it was on a carousel, going round and round never stopping but that was until black boots appeared as the floor darkened in my vision as I stared at the ground. Looking up Dmitri grinned making me throw my self back against the wall where my bed was pressed against. 

 

"Who shouldn't be near him" Dmitri's icy tone made goosebumps litter my skin.Who on heaven's earth was he talking about, how would he know who I was with, he wasn't no where near me when I left.His not real, his just a hallucination Gerard, chanting to my self did no comfort as my mind spun around. 

"Frank will destroy you" He spat as I shook my head despite the slight nausea.How could he possibly know that, he doesn't know Frank neither do I.

Frank wouldn't destroy me, if anything he'd destroy him self. I'd probably be the one to destroy myself not Frank, Most of the time Frank doesn't seem to know what he'd doing so how could he possibly put me in danger. I need Princeton but he stood in front of the door, if he was in my head that I could potentially push him away but I couldn't he felt real, he was real. 

"Sleep Gerard" He ordered but I simply just stared biting my lip as a frighten cold sense racked my body but slowly I felt my eyes sting from tiredness as he stepped closer. Man does this guy have mood swings, bipolar is what disorder his suffers from. 

"Sleep" I started to slip away, was he doing this to me! No I can't fall asleep, he'll kill me! I now wanted Princeton around. I needed to be saved before internal darkness consumes me.

***

After a small amount of sleep I gathered Josh was banging on my door for food. I held up a note explaining I wasn't hungry since I felt like I would vomit everywhere but he still ordered me out. I was completely unaware of whats happening to me, my skin felt like I was frozen as my things were still slightly blurred. Walking to the cafeteria was slow because no matter how hard I pressed my legs seemed to be dead or asleep. Josh left my side, leaving me to make the rest of my way their by myself but that was until Dmitri suddenly appeared at my side. His long strides out ran me before he stopped giving me a smile.

"You okay?" Why would someone in my head be so concerned if I was fucking okay.

"I'm real Gerard!" He yelled before calming himself as I pushed pass him entering the door of the cafeteria over to the cook with him hot of my tail. The cook flashed me a toothy grin making me grimace over her happiness before grabbing my usual soggy bowl of wheat. When it came to finding my seat I noticed Frank waiting there staring at his food with a content face, I started to stroll over there slowly when I felt a cold grip on my arm, looking up Dmitri held a deathly frown growling, showing his white teeth. 

"Don't go near him!" Dmitri hissed,Ripping my arm from his grip earning a weird look from another doctor and patients I walked over to the sit slumping down earning Frank attention. Meeting eyes his mouth dropped before leaning over the table slightly. His eyes seemed to scan me over before sitting back slightly. 

"G-Gerard are you o-okay?" So if Frank is asking that as well then I must look like bloody shit at the moment despite actually getting sleep last night although the dream that followed with it was unpleasant, I don't quiet enjoy seeing everyone here dead and spread out across the floors. I nodded a yes seeing him give a unpersuaded look before shovelling cornflakes into his mouth. The thought and look of eating made my stomach churn so I pushed my bowl away before the sound of Princeton's heels clicking closer to me making me groan. 

"Gerard I need to see you today at 1:00" Princeton ordered before leaving with out any more words. Worry settled in the pit of my stomach thinking about seeing Princeton after lunch, I hated seeing her since it'd either for needles, boring ass talks or about my parents which I despise. Frank seemed to quiet, well quieter than normal since he doesn't talk much. His posture was very lazy as inky hair fell over his hazel eyes as he watched his spare wheat flakes float around in the watery milk, something was off I could sense it. A new sense over ruled everything other in my brain when I looked up seeing him standing against the wall with a furious face much like Princeton last night. He shook his head slowly in a menacing manner but I didn't take action to his instead I went against what ever he was tell me.

"W-whats w-wrong?" Frank's eye lazily wondered up to mine, his eyes were glossed over with what seemed like faded tears as his under eyes were red and puffy, how did I not notice this before really astounded me. It made something within me twitch seeing someone like Frank look so broken with no despair. He shook his head before shoving his bowl away proceeding to tug his hair roughly before I quickly snatched his hands away keeping them still on the table.

"Frank" I whispered he seemed to still for a moment gazing at the tables. It was like I could feel his fright, his pain that was bottling up in his delicate little head of his. He clutched my hands tightly before raising his eyes up meeting mine.

"They w-won't s-stop" Frank whispered shaking jolted as his body shook. I knew instantly who he was referring to. The voices that taunt him, I always know when they speak to him because he tunes out and gazes into outer space as he holds a slightly crazed look. I know what hearing voices feels like but they never appeared once I was emitted in here, that some sort of boundary was keeping them out of my head But I wasn't SICK don't forgot that!

"I'm sorry" I wasn't sure why I was apologising but it seemed reasonably okay at this point.

He seemed fine when I was with him last night and when he slept but perhaps they attacked him when I left, waiting for an opportunity when his alone and defenseless to destroy any sanity left. Maybe the medication wasn't working, he needed something stronger to help him but he'll think its poison and knock me out again but we can only try.

***

The smell of Princeton's perfume hit my senses as she walked passed me, sitting at her desk as I seated myself on the leather couch. She requested to see me for unknown matters which made my stomach growl with anxiety but I kept quiet since I wasn't about to explode with verbal questions in front of her. The scrapping of pen on paper stop when she called my name making my gaze from the plant in the corner move to almost her direct eye contact. 

"You last night was not acceptable" Nodding

"You're not mean't to be in other patients rooms after 8:00" Nodding again. She clasped her hands together on the desk before chewing her red lipstick covered lips before sighing in defeat with her self. 

"Gerard I know you have things to take care of for your self but I need a favour" It was only this rare occasion I met her eyes seeing her drop her mouth as we made direct eye contact but she didn't get carried out by the action. Probably afraid of her reaction making me think it was a bad idea and pull back from it, she made it seem like I do it every time. Princeton wanted a favour from me, me the apparent sick patient which I ain't but she wanted a favour from me. Boy this should be good hearing what she wants exactly. I nodded for her to continue seeing her struggle with the words.

"I-I need to you to take care of Frank" 

Now my mind was back to spinning on a carousel, she's the fucking doctor and Josh along with many others not me, Why should I take care of him, his not my patient hell I'm not even sure if we're friends. I gave her my famous 'are you fucking kidding me' look seeing her shake her head as she read me perfectly, she knew too well, she's learned over the years.

 

"Look I'm not saying you have to be a bloody doctor Gerard, I mean he only talks to you and you seem to need him as well am I right?" I hesitated on my next gesture. Do I need Frank, usually I can get through life in here perfectly fine when alone but Frank has seemed to change that about me, dam him!

"Just look out for him, please" I rolled my eyes nodding seeing her smile but I wanted something in return because I aint doing shit for free. Grabbing the note pad on her desk with a pen as she studied me I help up the messy note for her to scan.

'What do I get?'

Princeton sighed, she knew I would want something.

"What would you like Gerard?"

'Coffee'

'Please' 

I decided to add a polite note on the end. She argued with her self, knowing I'm not allowed to have any sort of caffein but I only want one, just one good cup of coffee to make me happy for once in my god dam life here. She nodded I defeat making me smile on the inside but not psychically because I'd be dam if I ever smiled in front of a doctor.

"On a other note how is your head, do you need anymore painkillers?" I shrugged before shaking my head no for the painkillers, there was still slightly pain when I lay it on the bed but it's what it is. She scribbled my answer down, always with the writing my answers. She documents everything we speak about, every movements I make, when I eat and probably my sleep. Oh my god,do they have camera's in my room, I bet they do pervs, not that I do anything in their besides change because I never really went through my teenage years with hormonal moods but still privacy would be nice. 

As soon as I get out of here I'm stripping my room apart until I find the little camera they spy on with me but if there's a camera couldn't they see Dmitri?


	9. Cold Reassurance

:delusional/dɪˈluːʒ(ə)n(ə)l/characterized by or holding idiosyncratic beliefs or impressions that are contradicted by reality or rational argument, typically as a symptom of mental disorder.:

:When all esle fails, theres always delusions:

2 weeks have passed since Princeton has been asking me to take care of Frank what ever that means. Honestly I've done nothing different besides watch him closer to see any signs of if he's hearing voices but he's been pretty average everyday. When Princeton agreed to give me coffee for this I didn't actually think she was serious but instead of one she lets me have one once a day everyday when I meant a one time thing but I'm not complaining. Dmitri hasn't left my side for one fucking second. He would whispering that Frank will destroy me or he will find ways to fuck with my head but if I'm being honest here I think that ship has sailed years go. Dmitri seems to be super stuck up on the idea of Frank being a bad person because he's not, Frank's just a bit of centre doesn't mean he's a bad person!

He haunts me in my sleep when ever can grasp it, I only seem to be able to sleep when Dmitri demands it, like he mentally forces it over my body and I submit to it. But Dmitri hasn't been what I've been fearing in my sleep its what I see. Nothing but flashes of dead bodies laying around my feet but not just anyones, all the patients, Princeton's, Josh's and even Frank's body laying at my feet covered in blood, lots of it. ALL.SHOT.DEAD.

The dreams fuck with my mind because I don't know if I'm the cause of the dead bodies or the last victim to be shot because the dream always ends with me waking up struggling for air because it feels like someone was gripping my throat as my body was frozen. Followed by sever dizziness even when I'm just walking I'll suddenly get dizzy and fall into Frank making him quickly catch and steady me with his small self. I refuse to talk to Princeton about it because once again she'll change my meds and probably lock me up in solitary after jabbing me with filthy needle which is what I don't need right now. 

When I go to talk with Princeton most of the time I'm sitting there staring right beside her because Dmitri would be standing behind her, arms behind his back with a devious grin nodding with what ever Princeton say, going against me despite him always saying "oh Gerard I'm here to help you". How could Princeton not fucking see that there is a full grown male behind her, Frank never notices ever, like how blind is everyone seriously its pissing me off. Oh but on a good note my father never came to visit me so thats good I guess.

Right now I was sitting in what they called the social room where you can sit and do what ever pleases you for hours on end, Frank was currently outside I believe doing something with his time, I haven't spoken to him since breakfast but maybe that was good, he needed some alone time as do I. I was currently just sitting in the corner with a book that I paid no intention to the title when I noticed movement around me. Fearing it was Dmitri I shrunk into the chair slightly holding the book closer to my face when a familiar males voice spoke to me. 

"Hi Gerard" peeping over my book Dallon's ocean blue eyes roamed over to me as he sat in the chair just across from me. His bony legs crossed as his lanky hands clasped in his lap, he was drowning in his sweater and sweats as his brown hair seemed like he roamed his hand through for hours as a stress relief or a bird made a nest with the strands, which made me stifle a giggle to my self. I feel bad because even Dallon had gone defeated because I never speak but he still tries and talk to me for company, maybe just maybe once for him I could speak since it doesn't hurt anymore because of Frank, I talk to Frank everyday and I'm sensing Princeton knows that I'm speaking now despite her never knowing what my voice sounds like. 

"Hello Dallon" I whispered almost smiling when Dallon jolted backwards as I projected my voice. His lightless blue eyes stared at me with shock writhing on his face before he broke out in a toothy grin which made me give a broken smile since Dallon has never EVER smiled since he's been here. Severely depressed people like Dallon never have smile, they don't see reasons to any more, all happiness was washed from their souls leaving nothing but broken and sad vessels of poor lives but seeing Dallon give a genuine smile made me slightly happy knowing I was the cause of it. He sat in a lazy fashion since he moved backwards from my voice before pointing to me, like I didn't know my self.

"Y-you spoke?!" Dallon exclaimed like I grew two extra heads. I nodded seeing him furrow his eyebrows at me.

"But you never speak, never in 4 or so years Gerard" Dallon smile faded shortly since he probably doesn't remember how to maintain one for more than 45seconds.  
"I do speak, only to one person" He nodded at my words but wasn't long until the one and only Princeton showed her self asking for Dallon too attend a appointment.Whispering a small goodbye so Princeton couldn't hear he returned it with traces of a smile but never showed it fully, because people like Dallon never do.

Focusing my eyes back on the book a sentence of the book was slightly larger and in darker/bolder font than the rest. I scanned the page to see if the rest of the words were like that but they weren't, it was just one sentence but what was written made me blink furiously before I kept rereading the words over and over again until it strained my eyes to read them again. The sentence read:

Death will rise again

What did that mean, death will rise again, had death already come and its back for round two, is someone going to die or is someone planning a attack. Some many questions are scratching at my mind making me feel like nails are rattling around in my skull painfully. 

I slammed the book shut reading over the title but the title made me even more confused. It was a book about birds, their wings, how they fly and different species but why would a sentence like that belong in a biology book of birds, those sweet little innocent beings.Out of all the books about different and random things I've read in this place that sentence has never ever came across my vision until today which happens to be after the nightmares have been appearing, did Dmitri plan this, knowing I was going to read this and go over the words in ink, wait that ridiculous of course he wouldn't do this, theres no way he would know what I'd read or what page I'd get up too. Throwing the book to the ground I stomped out of the room, boots smacking against the floor until I swung the doors open feeling cool air brush against my face sending my warmth skin slightly cold but I didn't mind at this moment. 

Zipping up my jacket and tugging the scarf thingy around my neck tighter for warmth, I scanned the courtyard until a mob of black inky hair and a awkward standing posture caught my eyes. Frank was standing beside Tyler talking quietly, hell Frank even managed to give a small smile making me smile knowing his happy. Tyler didn't seem like he could give one any more since Tyler was officially a broken one, The figure named Blurry or Blurryface as he calls it in his head broke him until he no longer wanted to wake up everyday despite him still doing so. 

Not wanting to disturb the two I walked over to the other side at the protective fence and rested against it, looking out into the forest that surrounded this place. This place will slowly be over powered when the tree's of the forest reclaim its land, its home. I don't blame the forest, this was its place first and humans went to killed some of it off for crazy people, now I feel bad for being here, like I was apart of the reason why soon this place might die if we have to extend the building for more patients. 

It's sounds crazy talking about the tree's in this sense but I have a lot of spare time on my hands. 

"You don't have to have a lot of spare time" A devious voice sounded from behind me. Rolling my eyes at Dmitri's words I stayed clutching the fence when he appeared at my side grinning, the wind seems to get colder the closer he gets to me making me shiver slightly, once again the grass surrounding his feet darkened into black, the stems went as inky has Franks hair. What did he even mean by that, of course I do, I'm never ever leaving this place, this place keeps you until you die. I was emitted in here for two years to balance my self. 

Four years and eight months have passed by. 

"Quiet thinking about him!" Dmitri hissed, he seems to be awfully good at reading minds, but if he's so real like he claims then why can he read my mind, real humans aren't able to do that because it's fucking impossible. I literally thought about Frank's hair for like one fucking second and I'm being yelled out for it, if he's in my head then I shouldn't let him over ride me but something about him makes me back down, afraid of being hurt by Dmitri. 

"No" I nipped back of him earning a cold glare before he stepped closer pressing a finger into the direct middle of my chest, making me go cold from the contact. 

"Do you want to die!" Maybe.

"Frank will destroy you" Dmitri "Tried" to warn

"Stop saying that!" I screamed but when I blinked Dmitri had disappeared, leaving no trace that he was hear, no shoes marks in the grass as shown, no squished stems, like no one else besides me had walked through this part of the court yard. I stared at the ground in content of going to talk to Princeton this instant but familiar black and white converse on awkward standing feet met my gaze as I stared at the floor. 

I lazily lifted my gaze being greeted by a freaked out looking Frank who stepped back when I raised an eyebrow.

"W-who are y-you yelling at?" Frank stumbled clearly lost and a little spooked.Are you kidding me, he didn't see Dmitri this time either my goodness this is getting over the top.

"Dmitri"

"Who?"

"Dmitri" I repeated seeing him look around for whoever I was talking to but he seemed lost and spook still writhing on his face. A bad feeling coiled in the pit of my stomach knowing he couldn't see who I was talking to. 

It had finally happen to me. 

I was now seeing hallucinations.

"Forget it" I whispered quietly.

***

Heading down to the bathrooms for a shower my head seemed to be slightly delayed with the world since I couldn't comprehend what I was doing to five seconds after completing the actions. I was starting to freak myself out because anything can happen and I had no control over it. Dallon walked out of the bathrooms, hair wet and matted against his head as he passed me as did Tyler and some other kid. Entering the bathroom one the three showers were taken leaving the other two completely deserted. Stripping off my shirt and pants leaving my in my boxers I flung my clothes over the railing so they didn't get wet before turning the shower on just warm and slightly cold, waiting it to warm up before it touches my skin. The sound of the door opening and shutting heighten my senses making me turn around slowly seeing Frank standing there awkwardly before he approached one of the showers.

Touching the water, it was still slightly frozen so I gave it another minute before being distracted oddly when Frank removed his shirt revealing his pale skin of his torso. Trying not to be obvious I scanned his ribs seeing scratch like scars lacing the beautifully white skin of his. I knew what those scars are, it was so fucking clear. They were self harms scars, didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Those scars also appeared on the other side of his ribs and apparently just below his waist line, the very top of his thighs were also decorated with them. It sadden me to think such a boy like himself had gone out of his way to put a blade to his skin just to feel human....to feel alive.

I wasn't aware that I was staring at them until he moved making my gaze flick up seeing him wearing a slightly worried and embarrassed look. My cheeks burned before I stripped my boxers of and getting under the water washing of any dirt that stuck to me during the day. The water washed through my hair soothingly, five minutes later I shut the water off drying my self slowly feeling dizziness coming back as I leaned into the wall as spot dotted my vision but they slowly faded away letting my support my self to get dressed and head out of the bathroom leaving Frank alone in there since the other unknown person had finished before I.

My room was quiet which was weird since usually Dmitri would be yelling at me for something I did. Taking the pencil beside me I pressed the led into the wall creating thick dark silvery lines, recreating the sentence from the book earlier on the bed beside where I lay my head to rest.

Death will rise again.

I stared at the tallies on my wall next, scanning over each and everyone of them. I brushed over some with my index finger seeing the pencil smudge a bit but it didn't matter, I could always fix it up again tomorrow or whenever. The tallies took up most of my wall because they were for different things. most of them were for-

Knock

Knock

Getting up from my bed dropping the pencil, I slowly walked over being careful not to trigger the dizziness, I twisted the knob brushing the wet hair out of my face seeing Frank standing there with a sad expression pressed on his face. Leaning into the door he didn't speak instead he brushed pass me looking around my room. Frank had only been in my room once and that was for returning the pencil the day I threw the chair near my mother, Ah the good o'l days.

I closed the door quietly knowing Frank would get in trouble for being in here but clearly something wasn't okay and Princeton told me to look after him so I'm doing that I guess. I moved closer to Frank, standing by his side almost touching arms but no quiet. Frank didn't twitch, didn't sway or anything just stood there staring at the tallies on my wall. I'm presuming he'd appreciate that maybe. 

 

"There for how long I've been here" I stated watching him quickly spin around with a horrified look.

"There's so many!" Frank exclaimed as I shrugged.

"How long is it?"

"Four years eight months" I sighed flickering my eyes to the wall before back to his hazels orbs. A sadden look intruded on his features as he bit his lip, chewing the what I assumed would be soft flesh. He had very soft pinkish lips now that I took more notice of them, usually I take more notice of his starless eyes but now his lips seem to have stolen my attentions. 

"Thats forever" Frank whispered quietly a mumbled a 'yeah', as he started softly leaning into my side. His been doing that a lot of the pass two weeks. Not that I mind, it's rather comforting, it makes the feeling of empty and cold shivers rack away for a little while, like I wasn't lonely any more because lets face it, I was pretty lonely for a 22 year old, I had spent my 18th and 21st in here, they offered to do something for it but I refused wanting to be alone because thats the only feeling I seemed to enjoyed at the time but now I enjoyed a bit of company.

"What about those?" Frank pointed to the separate ones just under the window sill.

How many times I've been in solitary"

"But there's five already" 

"Yeah" I whispered, solitary wasn't a usual thing for me, it's only when I lashed out at my father, smashing a glass at a wall, trying to bite Josh which wasn't my fault I had hurt my hand and he grabbed both forcefully making me yelp then go to bite him, one for throwing a chair at another patient and the last one I couldn't quiet remember but Frank doesn't need to know the reasons, adds to the mystery if you'd like to look at it that way. 

I moved from Frank's side and went to sit on my bed since the sense of dizziness was coming back from standing up for a long time. I pressed myself against the wall staring out to Frank who stared at me before I rolled my eyes nudging my head to the bed for him to sit beside me. He slowly crawled on the bed by my side leaving us to sit silently. Frank was that close that when he slumped down into the mattress the touch of his cold wet hair brushed against my shoulder making me shiver slightly feeling coldness rack my body. My eyes suddenly fixated on the wall direct from me when a shadow of a person skimmed around the wall, stopping when it was directly in front of me, looking down the shadows body it held something, it looked like it was holding someone up by their hair as their body was being lifted up and the other hand held a object which was shaped like a knife. I watched with wide eyes as the shadow moved. 

"Gee?" Frank whispered close to my eye making me jolt before turning around to see him wearing a soft concerned expression.

"Y-yeah?"

"Whats wrong?" I shook my head for nothing, it was just my eyes playing tricks on me, looking back it was just a shadow of a tree that was out side of my window making me calm down slightly. 

"I-i'm sorry f-for w-what you saw earlier" He whispered into my shoulder, I came aware that he pressed his face into the arm like he was hiding. I knew he was talking about earlier in the shower when I saw his scars. He didn't need to be sorry, it wasn't his fault. Voices can be persuasive as hell, make you do regrettable actions and that was okay as long as you got help after which Frank was so he didn't need to be sorry.

"It's perfectly fine"

"Their ugly-I-i'm ugly" He whispered so softly I barely heard it. He was wrong, he wasn't ugly and those scars weren't either.

"Their nor you are ugly Frank- Y-you beautiful" I Whispered, somehow I felt him smile against my arm as he shook his head. I knew he'd never believe me but I spoke the truth at this point. I never thought anything was beautiful in this world because nothing was, everything was ugly, humans, nature everything but Frank has managed to show me that at least somethings have beauty.  
Frank sat up from my side and stretched him self out on my bed, laying down on his back as he rested his head on my pillow. He sighed staring up before gazing over to me with a pouting look. He lolled his head to the side before back to me, getting the hint I scooted over to lay beside him hearing him sigh but it was a happy and calm sigh not a angry and sad sigh that I usually hear from him everyday. Not covering us with the blanket since his body warmth kept me warm I stared out the window as I somehow felt my pillow get damp from our wet hair. 

"Thank you" Frank whispered tiredly, not knowing what he was thanking me for I kept quiet but I could sense he knew I acknowledged him. As moments, minutes pass I knew Frank was started to drift off but before his did a cold silky hand slipped into mine, interlacing our fingers softly feeling his thumb brush over the back of my hand making me feel like I was melting slowly on the inside. I had never held anyones hand's before because even on the out side of this institution I was utterly alone.  
Frank and I had only held hands once but it was through a blanket, the feeling oh his cold skin against mine sent a sense of cold reassurance over me, like what ever was happening to me was going to be okay and I believed him but I knew tomorrow or even in my sleep Dmitri was going to be furious, perhaps it was time to go to Princeton.


	10. Assault

:mind/mʌɪnd/the element of a person that enables them to be aware of the world and their experiences, to think, and to feel; the faculty of consciousness and thought.:

:Mind; A beautiful servant, a dangerous master:

 

I was right the other day when I said Dmitri would be mad about Frank sleeping in my bed, Dmitri had screamed at me then proceeded to slap me. I was frighten to leave my bed because Dmitri can appear anywhere he wants. I was more than confident that Dmitri was not in my head, he was real, his touch well slap to my face felt to real, too painful for it to be imaginary but no marks were left, no redness of swelling appeared which concerned me. The dreams have been nipping at my sleep again. It always the same, the bodies, the blood, the smell of death always surrounded me, ending with no air travelling into my lungs. I don't know what to do anymore, I fear sleep, I fear Dmitri, I fear staying awake. I. FEAR. LIFE. 

I'm not even completely sure why Dmitri is even here, all he says is that he's helping me but with what, I don't need protection I'm fine just how it is at the moment. If anything I needed protection from him, his angry and violent. I don't know why Dmitri is so against Frank, Frank has actually made me somewhat happy being here, like I'm not alone anymore and if this continues I could loose Frank and I don't want too, I need Frank. 

Walking down the blinding white hallways my head felt light as I used the wall for support while dragging my boot covered feet across the floor. When I somewhat managed to make it into the cafeteria but my nerves got struck when I saw Billie and Bert tower over Frank as he stood small and scared, tugging as his sleeves as he kept his head hanging low. I was curious as what they were saying as I kept my distance well that was until Billie shoved Frank back making me fall backwards into the table. Josh was completely unaware of the whole fucking situation going on, what a fucking idiot. Billie suddenly lunged at Frank grabbing him by his collar. 

"Aww Poor little baby" Dmitri's voice suddenly broke my silence before I sprinted away and over to Frank hearing Dmitri shout at me to come back furiously but I didn't listen. Reaching the males Bert tried to stop him but he was quickly out of the way when I managed to shove him to the ground before gripping Billie by his neck ripping him off Frank, hearing Frank squeal and gasp for air I twisted around sending Billie down to the ground before straddling his hip sending bone cracking punches to his face, directly to the nose hearing the bone crunch under my force. He tried to fight back but it was no avail when all I was seeing was red. Dmitri's laugh filled my ears as I continue to beat Billie to death I was for sure since I couldn't control my self no more, making my self freak out. I needed to stop before I kill him but I CANT!

"Gee stop!" Frank squeal but I didn't pay attention until two strong hands wrapped around my biceps pulling me up away from the now unconscious Billie. I almost felt bad for what I did but I couldn't control myself. Frank is going to hate me now, he'll be scared of me but to be honest I'd be scared of me too. I fought against the hands hearing Josh's voice try to contain me but Dmitri was shouting out me to save myself, to fight and this time I listen to him.

"Dmitri help!" I yelled but he didn't move.

I kicked my legs as my arm were restrain before seeing Princeton approached me with a needle. Kicking and squirming harder as she approached me Josh lowered him and I to the ground before Princeton turned my head to the side for my neck.

"No please no stop!" I screamed for the first time in front of anyone beside Frank and Dallon I spoke, I screamed. Princeton jumped as did Josh but she shook her head as I felt the sharp sting of the thin metal needle with a hollow end piercing my skin, I could feel the liquid from the needle enter my system suddenly making my eyes hooded. Lazily I gazed over to Frank seeing tears streaming down his scared face before I felt my body go limp slowly loosing consciousness. 

***

I’ve always wondered why they chose white for the padded walls of the room they haul me in if I act up. Any other colours is lively, calming and soothing but white is blinding, to blinding for my liking. What good will it do trapping an mental unstable person in a sound proof white padded room, leaving them alone with their thoughts. It’s doesn’t cure them, it drives them more insane where voices start whispering, illusion become so real you’d wanna rip your eyes out and scratch your skin off. It was utter madness what they keep us in but then again then don’t care, they never care. 

I had woken up two days ago, restrained in a straight jacket like a animal. It was tight and uncomfortable and I had a itched on my shoulder blade that did not go away no matter how hard I scrapped and itched against the wall roughly it never left. I remember everything I did, every actions, every punch I gave Billie even every tear that fell from Frank's starless. I was also aware that I broke my silence in front of everybody, I screamed at Josh and Princeton, I know they'll think I'll do it again but I won't. Who am I kidding, I need to speak so I can get out of here. Theres no colour in here besides my hair. My coal black hair is the only colour, if you take one strand of my hair and let it fall to the floor it sticks out like a sore thumb. Its deafening in here, no sounds besides my own but I don't make any because whats there to say. 

Dmitri hasn't come. If he was here to help me then he wouldn't be leaving me here by myself. He'd help me, get me out of here but no.I'm still confused as to why no one couldn't see or didn't question the man in a knee-length black cloak standing there laughing blind mother fuckers. Standing up from the bed I went over to the small window seeing Princeton talk to another doctor in white, nodding as they exchanged papers before she decided to turn down the hallway approaching my confinement cell. I backed from the door as she unlocked it. I didn't plan on attacking her and she knew that, thats why she just opened the door as I leaned back against the wall. 

"Come on" She ordered nodding her head to the door. Following her footsteps down the hallway she ordered me to turn into another room. She turned the light on, in the middle was a table like some hostage scene in a movie. Closing the door she sat in a chair across from me, rearranging papers before gazing to me making me shift uncomfortably from the eye contact but I forced myself to hold it despite the itch of discomfort is caused me. 

"How are you feeling Gerard?" Princeton asked like nothing has happened over the pass what two three days, like this was a average conversation with a non apparent sick patient but like I've said IM FINE!  
I didn't answer, she could clearly see how I was doing, no sleep, haven't eaten by choice, messy hair and in a fucking straight jacket. I haven't seen the sun in two days nor had a shower so yeah I'm just fucking pleasant.

"The other day, you shouted to someone called Dmitri, Whose Dmitri Gerard?" God dam it, she heard that, I thought it slipped pass her ears. Telling her seemed like the best option, I could get rid of him, stop the nightmares, I'd literally beg her for the nightmares to stop. The nightmares were always the same, They needed to stop, was I the killer in it or the victim, these are the questions I needed answers to. 

"Don't you dare tell her!" Dmitri's voice suddenly hissed from behind Princeton. My eyes shot up to his as I swallowed thickly fearing that his going to hurt me for all I've done. Princeton looked behind her before twisting back to me but I kept eye contact with Dmitri seeing him hold a finger to his lips as a signal to keep my mouth shut. 

Surely if I could somehow tell Princeton without Dmitri knowing then I could be safe but the thing was I was never safe any more, he was everywhere I went, every move I made he would x-ray it like it was saving it in his mind for something to hold against me. 

"Gerard i-is someone else here?"Princeton asked with slightly frightened tone thinking I've gone fully crazy. Dmitri shook his head before dragging his index finger across his throat clearly showing that If I agree to his appearance he'll murder me. Oh god I'm going to die by a vision in my head. Dmitri growled at my thought before I looked down to Princeton seeing her head tilted to the side waiting for my answer. Not knowing if Dmitri will pick up my next move or not I gently nodded once making it look like just a movement of my head, luckily Princeton could read me so easily she sighed before writing notes down. Looking for his eyes he smiled nodding clearly unaware of my answer I gave away. 

"Nightmares" I blurted out with out thinking catching her off guard. She wasn't used to my voice so when I did project it she'd jump.

"I'm sorry?"

"T-the n-night mares, they never g-go away" I froze thinking about it, seeing Frank covered head to toe in blood made my stomach churn almost making me throw up. I needed to see Frank, needed to know if he was okay because I wasn't. I know he's scared of me and he has every right to be. 

"What nightmares?" I explained everything to her seeing her eyes widen, especially when I explained how she, Josh and Frank were involved and that it never changes. I knew these weren't good signs of anything, I had suffered from sleep terrors years ago but they left, seems like not everything leaves forever. 

"Gerard are you familiar of schizophreniform" I gave a slight nod, I knew schizophrenia but she was explaining a different form. If she think I'm that crazy she better think twice.

"Gerard schizophreniform is a series of months were symptoms for schizophrenia will interrupt your everyday life" I nodded hearing her explain everything but I started to loose focus when Dmitri moved from behind her and bent down beside me whispering in my ear. 

 

"You're not crazy" He convinced me making me nod because once again I believed him.


	11. Teeth chattering

:Isolated/ʌɪsəleɪtɪd/having minimal contact or little in common with others.:

:Isolation is a way to know ourselves:

When I was only five years old, living with my mother and father, when I was actually wanted around I remember very distinctly an old rusty swing set. The swing that sat out in my backyard, where the vines grew up the metal poles to support the body of the architect, the feet of the base covered by grass as it sat in the very middle of the year collecting rain when the storm came, being dusted with snow when it fell from the sky or being brushed by dead leafs as the Autumn tree lost their colours. That swing set was where I broke my arm from fallen and lost a tooth from basically eating the pole when falling face first into it. When I was five years old I had this "imaginary" friend name Chase who would spend hours playing on that swing set with me, he was the only friend I really had growing up since no one else wanted anything to do with me, my parents told me that as you age those "imaginary" friends eventually will leave your side as you progress to grow into an adult but perhaps they were wrong, not everything leaves. Supposedly Chase has come back, back to help me, back to be my only friend again and in all honestly I've missed Chase but he seems different, he's not Chase anymore. His Dmitri. 

You were also told the monsters under your bed never really existed but little did they know the monster under my bed was real, real enough to scare you out of your skin, to pull your hair out from fright, enough for you too literally fear sleep. That monsters was too named, Dmitri.

The sense of freedom over ride my body as the buckles of the straining straight jacket fell limp as the straps were being pull out of the metals buckles letting my arms fall from their mummy position and free to stretch them out. It has now been 7 days since being in solitary yet no show of Dmitri after one whole fucking week. I didn't know what day it was but knew it was 7 days since being thrown in here because I verbally asked Princeton, she gives me any answers I need when I actually use me voice because it still stuns her that I'm capable of fucking speaking. Lifting the straight jacket over and off my pale torso Princeton handed me a plain white shirt to change into, instantly humming feeling the nippy cold draft against my unbearable hot skin from the tight fitting fabric. 

I was lead out from the white padded room that was slowly driving me insane and down the hallway, slow and small steps at a time since my body had weakened over the course of my visit here. Sleep came it minute episodes as my stomach growled viciously at me for declining the food they served, using the trays they hand me to make pretend houses until they needed them back taking the untouched food with it giving me annoyed groans.I was quick to get bored in there, no TV nor radio, no books or sketching equipment and worst of all no Frank. I had a bad gut feeling Frank was going to be scared or pissed at me and I don't blame him, I deserved to be emotionally punished for my acts but I just hoping he doesn't ignore me forever because despite hating the idea to the very core, I needed Frank for some odd reason. 

Princeton had visited me everyday, check ups were vital to her as she would proceed to bore me with her expertise on how the mind works and that we can try new medications that will work but thats what they said when I first came here and look I'm still fucking here. In all honestly I just want to get out of here, just want to go back to my own room, stare at the same crack in the wall and add a grey led line to the tallies for another round of solitary visit. Princeton stood in front of me, entering the pin to the door that separates me from other patients.

4825

I memorized the code. I wasn't particularly aware as to why I was saving the pin in my mind but it's stuck in there now. The pin kept spinning around in my mind as we walked down the hallways, yet again another door until the familiar scenery of the common room surrounded me. Swallowing thickly seeing Bert over in a corner quickly met my eyes his jaw drop slightly before he backed up slightly before sliding himself against the wall to get out of the door beside him leading to the outside world. Princeton lead me back to her office for another talk which is a one way conversation, because I talked to her a few times doesn't mean I'm about to get all chatty, I'm set in my ways of being quiet around here, it's kept me good for the past years so why stop. 

The so called "talk" with Princeton was cut short when she received an phone call from her superior in forming her about a meeting she was mean't to attend in five minutes, she only left two minutes ago exactly. She apologies while shoving me out of her office as her high-heel base feet stormed down the hallway managing to shove Josh out of the way since she was utterly late to her meeting. Poor Josh he didn't deserve to be thrown into a wall from behind but he seemed to laugh it off seeing Princeton aggravated face. He spun on his heels looking down to Princeton's office where I stood in front of, growing a sly smirk he walked over to me before leaning against the wall crossing his tattooed sleeved arm with the other staring at me with a coy smile making me very much wanting to slap it off but I'm not particularly keen on getting thrown back in solitary so I reframe form doing so just yet. 

"Hello Gerard" Josh spoke in a semi-friendly tone mostly with a doctorly mono tone. I nodded not daring to spill my tongue but he raised his eyebrow to me waiting for an answer that he wasn't about to receive since I refuse to talk to him, nothing against Josh, he has helped me quiet a bit since being in here but he wasn't Princeton or Frank. Shit speaking of Frank wonder where he is, maybe I shouldn't bother since I already know he doesn't want to see me, I'm a monster remember. 

"Cat's got your tongue?" Josh nudged my arm playfully making me roll my eyes before shoving pass him hearing his childish laugh as it slowly drowned out from the distance I separated us with as I walked away. The east wing was deafening quiet as no banging on doors or the quiet chatter of patients filled the tiled hallway.The sound of my boots smacking against the white surface kept my ears alerted when the sound of something smacking against the builder caught my attention. It sounded like something had hit the window, like a pebble or a stick. Choosing to ignore it until I got to my room, I swung my door opened revealing my darkened room that only had the flutter of thin sun rays peeking through the curtain. I threw the curtains opened seeing the sun for the first in a week, feeling the soft warmth of the suns heat touching my bare arms making the hairs stand up from the sudden satisfaction the sun light gave me. I closed my eyes letting the sunlight attack my face until the sound from before returned except it was in front of me. Peeping through one eye I looked out the window seeing Dallon throwing shit at the building with a furious face, it made my heart drop seeing him so angry but something within him changed when he saw my eyes. He dropped his arms standing up straight, covering the top of his eyes with his hands peering up to me, I waved with a crooked smile seeing him try to grin back before waving slowly, registering that it was indeed me behind the window and I was back from the insane room. 

The courtyard was containing Dallon a few other patients I never bothered to get to know and Tyler who was sitting at the fence with his hand holding it as he rested his head on the other, staring out into the forest that surrounded this place. I continued to look when I realized who I was searching for. Frank. Backing away from the window I dragged my self with my pencil and pressed the led to the wall creating yet another silverly line right beside the five tallies,making number six appear. 

***

Frank still hasn't made him self visible over the rest of the day and I felt like I was going to be sick from worrying, I was worried something had happened to him and yet Princeton wouldn't tell me. I asked Josh where he was but he didn't know either, lousy doctor Frank is Josh's patient yet he doesn't even know where the fuck he is.  
The table felt uncomfortable when it was only me sitting at it. Over the pass weeks I became to used to having Frank sit across from me being quiet while eating that the familiar feeling of loneliness started to creep its way back into my head making me feel cold all over but it soon fell away when Dallon's lanky body stood across from me on the other side nodding to the sit. I nodded back watching his body sit down slowly as he placed his food in front of him. He kept quiet and to himself until he suddenly exploded. 

"Fuck Gerard I didn't think you were coming back" Dallon suddenly popped, puffing out his boney cheeks after using all his breath on his outburst. I flinched at first, registering his words carefully, he didn't think I was coming back, if he thought that does Frank think that do, did he do something when thinking that. oh god OH GOD I need to find him. I think Dallon sensed the panic washing over me when he clicked his fingers in front of my face making me zone back to him. 

"Gerard whats wrong?"

"F-frank?" It sounded more like a question, his name felt like bitter poison on my tongue making me feel wheezy from it. Like I was forbidden to speak his name.

"What about him?"

"W-where is he?"

"Oh well I haven't really seen him after you left, he spends his day mostly in his room" Dallon finishes beginning to eat his food. I smile on the inside seeing him fill his stomach since about a year or so ago he would have thrown up at the sight of food and proceed to kill himself slowly but now seeing him eat until he was full would make anyone happy. I wanted Dallon to be healthy, he deserved it, he deserved everything and he needed to get out of here because once you spend enough time in here it will slowly kill you mentally. I sighed at his words worrying intently before toying with my food, pushing whatever you would call this slop with my fork before pushing the tray away wiping my sleepless eyes. I stand up from my chair hearing is scrap against the tiles painfully ear piercing before deciding to leave my tray.

"Sorry I've got to go, Good night Dallon" I mumbled seeing him offer me a crooked smile.

"Goodnight Gerard"

Turning on my heel I marched my way from the table over to the exit to go to my room but was quickly stopped my Josh with a serious. 

"Medication first Gerard, you know the rules" Josh order leading me over to the window where we get our happy pills to make us hyped up and make sure we're on our best behaviour. Groaning I crossed my arms waiting for the man in white to finish ticking what ever he pleases before coming back with a cup containing not my usual two pills but a mighty three ones. Eyeing them suspiciously I felt sick not knowing what these were. This could be poison for all I know, I used to be highly concerned that they were trying to kill me, slowly getting the fact that maybe they weren't but now that I have pills that I have no clue what they do, I was now truly convinced they were trying to KILL ME! Where's Dmitri, he could take these away from me but like everyone else he has seemed to leave me as well.

"God Gerard stop being a baby, they're the new medication Princeton has set you up on" He nudged my hand for the pills.To shut Josh's aggravating voice I chucked the pills in my mouth before snatching the water from his hands chugging the icy cold water down my throat, feeling the coolness reach my stomach before throwing the styrofoam cup in the bin before giving Josh a raised eyebrow indicating that I wanted to leave. He sighed annoyed before stepping to the side waving a hand along the air like he was herding sheep, containing my self from giving him the finger I dragged my boot covered feet down the east wing until I found my quiet room once again.

There was a lot more noise I remember in this place.

Solitary was sound proof, it was so quiet it became loud, deafening to the point where you felt sick from the silence, quiet is violent. Sitting here I can hear the murmurs of the people next door, the doctors in the hallways even the ticking of my clock, it was all in a way comforting knowing there was still some sense of company around unlike down there, I had no one, all alone in a little white padded room no one but your self to talk to. Becoming aware that I still haven't seen Frank yet I decided to give up the afraid of him hating me act and stood from my bed and swung my door back opened and strolled down to his room seeing the door shut. It was only 9:12pm so patients were having dinner, since he wasn't there he has to be in his room right?

Knocking three times I rolled on the balls of my feet as the nerves and anxiety slowly ate away at my stomach making me feel queazy when he didn't answer. Maybe he didn't hear me or he did but doesn't want to answer, I need to see him so I twisted the knob and pushed the door opened slightly. 

"F-frank" I croaked quietly peering into the dark room seeing no signs of the inky black haired boy. I stepped further for inspections seeing he was indeed not here. I sighed in defeat leaning against the wall beside the window that allowed the crisp moonlight to shine in, illuminating his room up. Dallon told me he kept him self locked up in his room so why can't I bloody find him in here. Maybe he's in the showers but we aren't allowed to shower this late so thats out. Fuck. The leaves of the tree out side his window scrapped against the glass making it screech causing me to jump at the ear piercing sound before glaring at the tree that caused the noise but looking out side I glanced down to the ground near the fence, eyes widening at the sight. 

At the tree where I usually sit, at the fence staring out into the forest much like Tyler before was a familiar mob of inky black hair and a awkward sitting body.My heart instantly thudded against my chest seeing him sitting out side with out a jumper at night in the middle of the winter. I could see from his window he was shaking has he ran a hand through his hair. Backing up from the window I darted from his room and rushed down the hallway dodging passing patients, trying not to trip anyone or my self until I got to the exit but another man in white was standing near the door and I knew for a fact that he would NOT allow me to go outside now. I stood and pressed myself against the wall trying to hide my self from him watching as someone over called him on the radio they have attached at the hip before checking both ways proceeding to head down to the south wing with a brisk pace. Sliding from the wall quietly I rushed over to the door silently pushing it opened making sure the rusty and un-oiled hinges don't creek before slipping out and shutting it softly behind me. The wind instantly bit at my face making me suck in a breath from the icy feeling numbing my face, poor Frank must be freezing with out a jumper on the silly boy. 

Softly padding my feet from the entrance into the courtyard looking out for any security guards or smoking doctors. I rounded the small corner seeing the tree, fence and the shivering boy fill my vision instantly making something within me snap with excitement and nerves. I didn't want to scare him or make him upset by my presence so I kept my distance until I was eventually two and a half feet away from him before standing there like an idiot just watching him like some creepy stalker. 

The wind picked up a bit as I turned me head up seeing the sky lit up with stars, it reminded me of fairly lights lingering along the god's skies. Out of the time I've been here I've never seen the sky at night but it was truly beautiful. He still hadn't noticed or heard me yet so I stepped closer before parting my lips to let out a shaky breath before speaking over to him.

"F-f-frankie" My teeth chattered as the coldness racked my body making me numb. Frank's body twitched violently before he spun around on the ground landing kneeling on his knees looking up. His eyes were wide, lips quivering as his knee's shook beneath him. He suddenly shot up from the ground before he lunged at me, I braced for him to attack me and hit me repeatedly but instead he threw himself at me, wrapping his arms around my neck before he jumped up wrapping his small legs around my waist. I quickly clutched onto his legs to support him, my knees buckled feeling like they were about to give away from the sudden weight that I just received. His frozen face dipped into my neck making the skin there cold as he tightened his grip on me, taking the breath out of me. Frank was shivering violently and by the sounds of it he was sobbing. I tightened my hold keeping him close to me for warmth.

"I-I-I T-thought y-you would n-never c-come back" He sobbed into my neck, his breath was warm against my skin making me shiver slightly. I shook my head burying my face into his shoulder feeling him sob more into my neck, it teared my heart apart hearing it, this was all my fault. 

"I-im s-so s-sorry" I whispered in his ear before subconsciously moving my face to press my frozen numb lips to his cheek, kissing it warmly before nuzzling my head back into his shoulder. I had never kissed Frank before but he didn't flinch or twitch away instead he hummed into my neck tightening his legs on my waist. I needed to get him inside where I could talk to him properly and unfreeze him. I shifted my hands from underneath his thighs before grabbing his waist to pull him off me but he held on with a death grip.

"Frank you need to go in side, you're freezing" I whispered feeling the death grip loosen letting me gain my breath again before lowering him to the floor. He clutched my hand tightly, almost painfully before I lead him from the fence back over to the entrance, peeping my head in first seeing if the coast was clear before leading him in and down the east wing. Entering my room I didn't bother with the light since the moonlight was enough, I instantly went to my draw pulling out my black hoodie and moved over to Frank who sat on the bed shivering while staring at the wall. He looked like he was concentrating real hard on something, oh god I pray the voices aren't back, I really hope they haven't gotten worse over the week I was gone, I was mean't to look after him, care for him and I failed like with everything else. I FAILED. 

I kneeled on the bed besides Frank silently before placing my fingers underneath his chin turning his frozen face to look at me. His eyes looked faded as his face looked worn out and tired. Lips still quivering I nudged him to lift his arms before helping him gently put the hoodie on and over his head before tugging it down his torso, hopefully warming him up soon. He sat back just watching me with scarce eyes. Guilt filled my heart, my mind was spinning like a carousel making me slightly dizzy.

"I-im so sorry Frank-" I started to apologies again but was cut off when he leant forward crawling over to me before sitting him self in my lap wrapping himself around me, nuzzling his face back into my neck breathing shallowing against the skin.

"w-why did you d-do it?" Frank whispered into my neck softly. 

"To p-protect you" He leaned back face inches from mine as the worlds left my lips.  
"But don't you get it Gerard, I needed you here but they took you away for what you did" He whispered painfully staring down to his hands that were now clasped in his lap as he sat in mine. Frank and I have never been quite this closer before, I mean we've slept next to each other but we weren't cuddling, we were only 11cm apart exactly weird that I know that but being this close to him made me feel somewhat wholesome, like we're mean't to be this close. I knew he was upset for beating Billie but Billie was an asshole and honestly wish I did more than just beat him but I won't because it'll scare Frank away. Looking down to his lap I noticed he was wearing jet black gloves but along the back side of his hands were skeleton bones, bright white standing out from the black. Something about it made me smile, it was something you'd would expect from Frank honestly. He was still shaking slightly and I don't think sitting on top of the blanket will do any justice. 

"Here" I nudged him off before standing up and lifting the blanket seeing him nod before crawling under snuggling into the blanket before I slid in beside him instantly being warmed up by the blanket. He wiggled over until he was pressed against me, he laid on his side so we were face to face. The silence surrounded us like a safety blanket before he broke it.

"I-i missed y-you" He whispered so softly I almost didn't catch it but I gladly did, those words made my heart thud painfully good against my chest. He was making me feel something I never have before and I wasn't sure if I liked it or not but hopefully it was a good type of pain in my heart area. 

"I missed you too" I whispered watching his lidded eyes stare at me before his teeth chattered together making me frown, it usually wasn't this cold at night but sometimes they put the air condition on for some of the patients who get high temperatures from their medication so thats probably why. Making a daring and bold move I moved my arms underneath the blanket to grip his waist softly watching his eyes as he carefully stared back at me before I tugged his waist gently, pulling him closer to me until our bodies were flushed against one another instantly making me warmer and hopefully him too. He breathing hitched as he tensed making me scared that I made him uncomfortable but he was quick he relax basically melting right into me nuzzling his face closer until it was pressed into my chest. Over the course of two minutes exactly I moved my arms to wrap them around him so he was fully pushed against me making him hum. I listened carefully hearing his breathing shallow out indicating me that he was finally asleep, warm and relaxed against me. I placed a delicate kiss to his forehead protectively before resting my chin on top of his inky hair, letting my eyes slip shut as I held the smaller male close to me.


	12. Flamboyant

:Disorders/dɪsˈɔːdə/a state of confusion or disrupt the systematic functioning or neat arrangement of.:

:It's a disorder, Not a decision:

Violently pains in my head awoke me from my somewhat sleep I managed to grasp. I clenched my eyes tightly before realising I was holding something or more like someone. Peering down with watery eyes from the pain Frank was still curled up in my chest clutching to me as his face was nuzzled into my hoodie. He looked peaceful unlike I who was on the verge of tears from the sudden immense pain. My mouth was roughly dry as my throat felt like I was swallowing sand, so I detached my self from the now warmed up Frank watching him stir before turning over to face the wall, tucking the blanket around him again before I slumped over to the door, opening it quietly slipping out of the room. The hallways were still lit up at night so walking down them wasn't a problem but since I felt dizzy it took my some time before I find my self standing near Princeton's office. 

Her lamp was still on from what I could see underneath the door so I knocked hearing her foot pad over to the door opening it slowly before a confused and belittled expression dance along her features.

"Gerard what are you doing up?"

"M-my head hurts" I spoke horsely as my throat felt like the desert, like quick sand was being poured down into my stomach. She nodded turning off her office lamp and shutting the door locking it then waving me to follow her back down the hallway where I retreated from until me got to the cafeteria where the window for medication was. She unlocked the door immediately looking for something for me before returning with a Styrofoam cup and two pills, handing them to me I gladly placed them on the back of my tongue before drowning down the cool crisp water sighing feeling the dry burn dissolve away. 

I was now too awake to even think about going to sleep, tiredness seemed to swish away again as soon as I stepped from my bed. On the other hand Princeton looked beaten and worn out. Bags littered her under eyes, dark purple and black veins slightly visible from lack of sleep just like me, doesn't help that she works till 2am before starting at 11am the next morning, she will eventually wear her self out until she can't go on but thats her problem. She sighed chucking my now empty cup in the trash can beside her legs before checking her watch smiling slightly to her self, it was time for her to leave.

"Gerard will you be alright going back to your room? Other doctors are on if you need anything else okay" I nodded gently at her kind gesture before wiping my sleep deprived eyes mumbling a quick thankful before turning on my heel to walk away but she quickly called my name. 

"Gerard"

"Hmm"

"He missed you." I knew instantly she was talking about Frank, her tone sounded like a pitiful but sorrowed one but I could be wrong. I gave her a blank unknown expression before nodding turning back away to go back to my bed because what was I exactly mean't to say to her.

When I re-entered my room again quietly I could hear mumbling before whimpers coming from my bed. Knowing it was Frank I sat beside him watching his twitches in his sleep, not wanting to be creepy but I found it rather interesting and intriguing. He would frown before his arms twitched, rolling over to the other side when his whole body would twitch followed by a whimper. Perhaps just an nightmare but he seems more intent then just a regular nightmare as he wouldn't stop twitches like he had a nervous tick that was set off rather easily. A minute pass and he didn't stop but what got my attention was what slipped from his lips making me tilt my head in concern.

"Gee-no-get away from-him" He whimpered before proceeding to wrap him self in the blanket, curling up in a ball. Get away from who? or who has to get away from me? I knew it was about me since he has taking a liking to calling me Gee since he was probably to lazy to call me Gerard. I didn't want to watch any more so I slipped under the blanket before wrapping my arms around him protectively, he twitch and wiggled before his eyes slowly opened as a cold sweat lingered on his forehead. He moved his dull hazel eyes up to mine, blinking rapidly before giving a painful sigh watching me intently. His hair matted slightly against his damp forehead as he sleepily focused his eyes.

"Gee" Frank whined realising who I was, clutching my forearm with his small soft hands as his eyes widen with slight worry.

"Are you okay?" He only nodded still watching me with weary eyes before slumping slightly, more relaxed he slowly laid back into me. It felt strange feeling the thump of his heart beating being pressed against my chest, Whatever he dreamt must of been pretty awful if his heart feels like he had ran a marathon. 

***

"Are you going to eat that?" Emerging my eyes from my tray in front of me, Frank watched me with big hungry hazel eyes before nibbling on his bottom lip. I became aware that he was eyeing my honey covered piece of toast that I had no fancy intentions of eating since odd habits of food making my stomach churn returned to my senses this morning making me shy away from the contents. I shook my head gently before pushing my tray closer to him with my index and middle finger watching his skeleton gloved hands quickly pick up the slice smiling delicately before proceeding to bite down on the bread softly. The leafs of the now dying winter tree's brushed against the window off the cafeteria as the soft glowing sun rays shined through the cracks of the clouded sky.

Winter has just started to really kick in now, every gush of wind felt like the pacific ocean biting at your skin during midnight. I chose to wear my black/grey coat that zipped up the front along with my boots that keep my shins warm since they went up my leg. Frank was wearing my hoodie I had given him, it was my only black hoodie I had in here but he decided on wearing mine instead of his own that actually fitted his small petit body rather than my mine that look like he was drowning in it. When Frank had first come to the institution he was this awkward standing boy who didn't talk much and never really liked to sit near anyone but he's changed over the course of how long has it been now, 1-2 months. Despite him only talking to Tyler and I he seems different but in a cleaner way, a healthy way, I mean his still an awkward sitting person but he opens up more now unlike I who still keeps everything away from him because if he finds out about the pass then he will more than likely leave me, I need him.

But Frank seemed a bit distant today, something in his mind of his is making him pin all of his attention on that rather than the world around him besides asking for my last slice of toast but wasn't long before he once again zoned out. He'd look directly pass me furrowed eyebrows, I turned around seeing he was staring out the window to the tree we usually sit at. Sighing audibly I stood up before walking around the table tugging him up softly by his sleeve. He didn't speak but followed as I walked out of the cafeteria and out into the outside winter wonderland. Leaves covered most of the ground, orange and red patches against the vibrant green bristles of grass stood out against everything else. Zipping up my coat to my neck reaching the tree, I slumped against it before sliding down feeling the bark of the old tree jab into my spine but it didn't bother me. Frank sat down in front of me, legs cross as his gloved fingers directed them selves to the earth, picking at the grass until three healthy strains were in between his index finger and thumb before twiddling them around. 

My eyes scanned his small self before he looked up giving me a look that I couldn't decipher what it meant. It was another two minutes of silence before it became deafening.

"Gee?"

"Yeah?"

"I-I-I n-need to tell y-you something" Those words made my stomach churn but I forced my self to look up and offer him a reassuring look. I nodded for him to continue watching him pick at the bones on his gloves dropping the grass stems. He kept his head hung low letting his inky hair fall around his face, framing it perfectly before stammering out more words in a rush.

"I-I uh"

"Frank.Breath" I tried to help calm him seeing him work him self up, panic over riding his senses flashing in his eyes as he bit down harshly on his bottom lip, leaving teeth marks in the soft flesh as he released his grip on his lip. He took a moment to breath, shoulder rising before dropping with each breath he took.

"I-I t-think, well I k-know, I'm g-gay" Frank eyes widen as his winced from his words leaving his lips. He leaned back from me like I was about to lash out at him which would have offended me in other situations but that wouldn't have helped this situation. Hearing those words escape Frank's lips honestly didn't surprise me, I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him he wasn't the straightest tool in the shed, he had that what you would call flamboyant attraction. He seemed to be scared and ashamed of admitting something that he had no control over and honestly I wish he didn't have to feel like that because I spent most of my life feeling like that and look where it led me.

"Frank thats nothing to be ashamed off"

"They think so"

"Who?"

"M-my parents!, half of the reason why I'm in here is because they think being institutionalized with help me get over this apparent 'phase',they literally told me I need god's help"He scold to him self with a sour tone, I squared my jaw thinking about his parents discussing throwing him in here for his fucking sexuality, it so god dam discriminating hearing that. Why is it that homophobic people always think its a phase, like honestly is being a totally dick head just a phase or a whole life episode for them?

"Thats horrible"

"Yup"

"Frank they don't know what they're talking about, as long as you know who you are then thats all that matters" I tried but he shook his head mumbling stuff under his breath. Frank shivered as the wind picked up, wrapping his arms around himself I moved to the side before patting the spot next to me, he cautiously moved to my side like coming out to me was going to make me distant. I pulled him closer exchanging body warmth with the smaller male hearing him hum slightly before I softly wrap an arm around his torso pushing him fully against, he never had a problem when I did that in fact I think he enjoyed the extra warmth. Silence surrounded us like a wet blanket as we sat huddle up against the tree in the leaf wonder land. Looking down beside me a small yellow daisy like Frank had picked weeks ago sat beside my foot. Picking the little flower I turned my face to face Frank inky hair before moving my fingers that contained the flower gently pushing the stem through his hair and let the flower sit in his hair and above his ear. He flinched slightly but realising what I was doing he relaxed back against me. 

Smiling at the now daisy haired boy as I leaned back against the tree with him in my side, looking back up to the institution building my eyes suddenly fixated on the stunned looking Princeton eyeing us at the window with a clipboard. We met eyes despite the urge to look away but she gave me a warming smile pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose before jotting something down on her clipboard then walking away dropping her arms to her side as I watched her through the window until I could no longer see her.


	13. Silky lines

:solitary/sɒlɪt(ə)ri/done or existing alone.:

:We are all sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skin for life:

There's a spot in the common room, just behind a book shelf but not completely, if you were to sit behind it you wouldn't be visible to the naked up unless you would peer through the books looking purposely for who ever you fancy. Currently I was leaning against the book shelf while Frank was aimlessly scanning the books, holding a book of sketches showing you how to shade the perfect flawless skin of a person I threw it on the floor bored since I have already read that book five times whenever I was alone in here... which was all the time. Frank giggle to himself looking at a book as I picked up my sketch book from beside my legs flicking to an empty blank page plucking the pencil from the floor before proceeding to sketches the outline of Frank's face. 

Frank had the perfect bone structure for sketching which is why it made my job slightly easier. His jaw was sharp from him leaning to look at the books as his inky hair fell into his eyes, every now and again blowing the hair from his hazel eyes. Frank had somewhat become a lot more relax every since coming out to me at the tree but other than that nothing has happened, no dizziness, no cold sweats, better yet no Dmitri . Scrapping of the led against the paper echoed out through the silent room as the soft lines for the features of his face appeared, I had taken my time over to years learning to perfect the perfect shade needed for skin when working with grey led. I haven't done many sketches while being here mainly because I had to use what ever paper I could find which wasn't much since Princeton usually keeps untidy papers in the trash, at least the paper I was working with now was soft padded, no slippery smooths because it felt like canvas paper.

Frank settled on a book 'Heart shaped box', sitting down beside me slowly leaning into my side as the breeze was still slightly chilli at this point.I instantly knew Frank would enjoy 'Heart shaped box' Since I had read it numerous times plus owning my own copy back home...if I could still call that place my home, I'm not even sure if they still live there but it wouldn't surprise me if they didn't. Life in that house I used to call home was a battlefield, not knowing what I was going to come home to everyday from school or when ever I left really made your stomach churned just thinking about it. 

On good days nothing but a harsh slap was delivered, but it was the days where one of my fathers many deals didn't go quiet right and endless raged fill his conscious ending up with me on the floor are pressed against the floor but hey he was a good man just like my mother says from her toxic lips. My father was a man who didn't believe in having a conscious or guilt nor pity for the weak. He was also the man who taught me that being gay was wrong, you shouldn't place your elbows on the table when eating since it was disrespectful to god, always button everyone of your buttons on your shirt and never raise a hand to a women. But here you see he may never have raised an hand to a women but he was never afraid to raise it to his sons.

"So tell me Mr.Way why you look so serious" Frank's tone was clean and childish making me raise an eyebrow to the sudden use of formal names. I didn't want to have to explain my pass about my father and I so I shrugged my shoulders pressing my index finger into the paper smudging the lines along his jaw in the image. Frank quietly opened the book to the index page scanning his eyes over it. 

It was long after when something changed. I couldn't put my finger on it but something felt...colder, like sudden warmth was ripped from me making goosebumps litter my skin under my hoodie as I shivered but Frank seemed untouched by the coldness, having no effect what so ever.My features harden as I concentrated on the now soft pulsing thumping through my skull, I could hear the blood pumping through my head as my eyes strained to look at any thing. Things seemed to get colder as the seconds pass but wasn't long until I looked up to see him standing down near the entrance of the room in the knee-length cloak, arms behind back as the jet black hair was ruffled among his head. I hadn't seen Dmitri in weeks and it had began to grow a little to silent for my liking, in all honestly his snarky comments and arguments kept me balanced. Dropping the sketch book and pencil to the floor I blinked before sitting up on my knees.

"Dmitri!" I semi-shouted feeling Frank jump beside. Dmitri's cold eyes looked from mine down to the smaller male beside me before giving me a stern look as if I was in trouble.

"Uh Gee?" Looking down to Frank he looked slightly concerned looking out to where I was before back to me.

"Who are you talking to?"

"Dmitri" I stated, my tone almost happy, like I was happy to have a psychotic lunatic back in my life. Frank shifted uncomfortably on the floor looking back and fourth. He scratched at his neck looking nervously up to me.

"I uh don't see anyone there Gerard" He pointed out making me roll my eyes before looking over to Dmitri seeing him shake his head angrily stomping down the hallway which leads out side. I jumped out hearing Frank call out but I already started to walk.

"Gerard come back!"

"I need to see him!" I shouted back to him before jogging out of the common room and down the hallway catching up with the darkened tiles from his black boots. Scanning the floor I saw him leave through a opened door leading out side, he fully disappeared from my view until I finally rounded the next corner seeing him standing beside the building, leaning against the wall, arms crossed against his chest as the bricks surrounding him darkened. I marched over to him being cautious, wasn't until I was standing directly in front of him he decided to acknowledge my presence. He eyed me up and down like he was x-raying me before his eyes went dark as he practically growled. 

"Don't you ever listen!" He hissed suddenly gripping my arms, flinching back I felt the tips of his fingers press into my skin making me wince from the cold burning sensation that filled my skin.

"Uh I-"

"Stay away from him!" He screamed making him whimper quietly watching with wide eyes as the angry figure semi calmed down, releasing his grip.

"Why is he so bad?!"

"Frank won't always be there Gerard you and I both know that, when the time comes, when it finally happens he'll run, I'm looking out for you!" Dmitri towered over me as numerous question swarmed my mind making me violently dizzy. When and whats coming, why will Frank run away, so many question but I could sense Dmitri wouldn't budge to answer them. Dmitri gave me a coy glare before eyeing the entrance clapping his hands together before situating him self to stand tall and proper.He seemed to care a awful lot for someone who never fucking tells me what his actual intentions are.

"Now theres something you need to do for me"

***

If I told you five years ago that I would be following orders from a man in a knee-length cloak who had red rimmed eyes then you probably who have ran away screaming that I'd need help and maybe a bit of jesus but believe me when I tell you thats what was happening now. I was up against the wall where no doctors or Princeton could see me, making me completely invisible to the naked eye of the idiots here. It was roughly fifteen pass nine and all patients were being ordered to be. 

My eyes x-rayed the room as the man in white in the office box checked both ways before taking his clip board to do rounds, checking up on the patients seeing if their happy pills aren't causing trauma. Josh had followed the doctor shortly leaving myself alone in the room where the office box where medication was easily accessible. Sliding from the wall I crept over to the door looking down to the pin pad. Scrambling around in my brain the code from many weeks ago I memorized flashed in my head. 

4825

The small light flashed green letting the door swing open. I smiled in achievement before sliding in, shutting the door I took a shaky breath before hearing a cold voice from behind.   
"You know what to do" Turning around slowly Dmitri was leaning over the counter of the window with a devious smile eyes returning to their dark ocean blue instead of the black and red rimmed orbs.Nodding while swallowing thickly feeling sick to my stomach I turned to the wall filled with medications, reaching up with violently shaking hands I grasped one box of random pills, two, three, four all the way up to 10 boxes of unknown patients pills filled my pockets of my jeans and hoodie until Dmitri was warning me that the man in white will be returning shortly. 

Diving out of office box shutting the door I nervously stumbled back down to the east wing but instantly froze on the spot seeing Princeton leaving her office catching my eyes which I was quick to shift. The continuous clicking of her heels emerged closer and closer until when I was staring at the ground dark blue heels filled my vision.

"Gerard"

Looking up to Princeton as she held her glasses with one hand, cleaning them with the other. If she took noticed to my pockets and asked to examine them, I would be KILLED! she would literally strangle me to death and not to mention throw me back in solitary where I'd be away from Frank for even longer than last time, that killed him last time so the next time around I knew for certain he wouldn't make it.

"What are you doing up?"

"N-needed to s-stretch my legs" I lied and stammered nervously seeing her nod before waving me off with a tired mono tone allowing me to run back to my room. Slamming the door shut seeing if their was no surprise visit from Frank I dived straight for my draws before emptying my pockets of pills into the draws, covering them up with clothes I had stored in there. Dmitri had made me collect numerous boxes of medication for purposes that he failed to enlighten me with, I could seriously get in trouble for stealing medication and having them stored in my possession but he said they would keep me safe, they'll help me but honestly they felt like they would kill me. 

The daisy Frank had picked almost a month ago now still sat upon my window sill, shrivelled up as the petal fell from the bud and down onto the wood as the moonlight lit the now dull and lifeless yellow petals.I smiled down to the daisy wondering if the smaller male was sleeping peacefully at the moment since I wasn't but my thoughts were interrupted when knocking was alerting me. I gulped nervously as my hands sat on the draws where the medication was hidden.

"Gee?" Sighing coughing out a yeah, Franks awkward body slinked into my room, shutting the door before slowly walking over to me by the window sill. He too stood and stared out to the courtyard as the moonlight touched the earths surface softly. Our breaths were the only noise filling the room, I took a glanced at the smaller male seeing he was only in a white t-shirt, no hoodie like usual, come to think of it I had never seen his arms before, he had always kept his soft pale skin hidden under his and mine hoodies. His pale skin was illuminated by the natural light from out side showing off any and every mark lingering on his body. 

Peering down to his arms silky white lines caught my attention as they slithered up his arm and to the end of his wrist. It made my heart clench at the sight, thinking of ways that he would have inflicted them on him self made me whine silently. I knew they had lingered on his ribs and thighs but seeing them so close to the vein on his wrist made me want to slap him for his actions but not wanting to hurt the already wounded puppy I took a dare and bold move and reached his grip his arms softly. 

He jumped the sudden contact looking up to me with scared eyes as I peered down noticeably, looking at the silky lines that littered his skin, I rubbed my thumb over his wrist where two vertical lines were held on each of his wrist clearly showing that he mean't business and serious one at it. He tried to tug his arm away but I kept my tight grip hearing him whine with a frighten pitch but I only looked up from his arms to his wide hazel orbs seeing tears brim them. I was now aware a stray tear fell from his watery eyes and down his pale cheeks, dripping down onto the floor. 

"Why?" He didn't answer.

"Frank...Why?"

"B-because I-I-I" Tears stained his now blotchy cheeks as he couldn't finish the sentence. Frank look so broken and desperate for love and warmth right now, his dull eyes looked even duller right now, the stars in his hazel orbs had fully faded away as he tried to explain why he chose to try and take his beautiful and pure soul from this world. I shook my head letting my hands slip from his wrist and down to holding his hands in mine, intertwining our fingers together making something in my stomach flutter as my chest felt like it was swelling with happiness but it made my heart pound painfully faster too.

I didn't want to see him broken and despaired any more, I didn't want to see those crystal tears stain his cheeks nor hear his voice crack as the horrid memories from his past escape his lips. He looked up to me as the tears continued to fall, disconnecting one of ours hands I reached up and swiped the tears away with my thumb hearing him suck a breath in, holding hands again he slowly leaned and rested himself against my chest as we stood in the moonlight by the window. 

Resting my chin upon his inky hair as I held him close my eyes wondered over to the dark bold letters written across my wall beside my bed.

Death will rise again

I shivered at the words as they spun around in my head, What if this whole medication stealing action was put fourth by Dmitri because he was the one fucking with my head about those four words.


	14. Sad Wishes

:Truce/truːs/an agreement, a temporary respite, as from trouble or pain:

:There can be no truce between science and religion: 

 

"So tell Mr.Way do you believe the medication is working?"

'yes'

"Are you telling the truth?"

'Yes' 

The doctor in white was seated in front of me as my jean clad knees bounced up and down on the spot as the sound of pen scrapping against paper itched my ear making me violently uncomfortable. Princeton had set me up with a new doctor for the time being while she can attend to newer patience on the other building of this institute, in all honesty I would have screamed the place down begging for her to let me continue seeing her since she was the only doctor I seemed to be a little less nervous around but being thrown into the deep end with a new doctor gave me the chills. Something about him was off, I wasn't sure if it was the dark brown eyes that eyed me intently or the resting sadistic look he has when ever a creepy smirk ins't lacing his face but something was defiantly off. We had been sitting in the common room for at least twenty minutes now since I've been counting every minute in my head while not listening to him until recently since he mentioned medication, the subject made me sweat nervously since I still possess ten unknown bottles of strangers medication that roll around in my draws from Dmitri's request, I've pleaded him to let me get rid of them...that ended with more slaps so I gave up but no red marks were left for evidence. The new doctor tried to get me to speak but I would only hold up my sketch pad with one word answers leaving him clenching his jaw in annoyance from my non-vocalised response, eyeing his name tag in big bold letters was written 'Valentin' which I'm almost certain is French. 

"Gerard do you have any friends...in this facility?" I nodded once to his answer.

"Who are they?"

'Frank' I only wrote Frank and not Dallon because I wasn't sure if he'd appreciate me mentioning his name without consent so I reframed from doing so in respect. On the subject of Dallon, he had gotten bad again. He'd push his food away and continue to starve himself until he was forced into the hospital where they fed him through a tube into his stomach while being unconscious, when he had gotten back he came straight to me and cried for feeling disgusting because they forced food down his stomach. I sat up with him that night convincing him that he wasn't ugly or disgusting because he wasn't and no one should believe that about them selves. Frank had been slightly distant lately as well, a sadden look was frowned upon his face most mornings and nights, I tried to make him smile but he only flashed a fake one before mopping away back to his room. He hadn't slept in my room any more leaving me to stare at the taunting words on my wall as insomnia attacked me again as did the images of hell.

Princeton isn't sure whats wrong with Frank either even though she talks to him almost everyday he'd just say he's tired but I know its lies since I've used that lie my whole life. Princeton and I had worked to getting him to speak during support group but he'd only shy away from us and ignore the topic all together, it had become worrying when he doesn't speak even to me because one he usually speaks to me and two If Princeton senses more symptoms to his condition then he'll be transferred and I need him to survive. 

"Are you and Frank close?"

'Yes'

"Good Good" His response created an unknown feeling in my gut, this guy creeped me out to much and I didn't like it, Princeton will hear about this later. Valentin's eyes wonder down to his page, eye brows furrowed as he flicked through pages and pages until his face grew even more annoyed. 

"Says here you're on a minimal dosage of Trazodone is that correct" 

'Yes'

"Right well I believe it might be best if we also try Mirtzaphine along with Trazodone to see if the effect will help more to your advantage" I nodded not actually caring about his blabbering lips. 

Leaving the office I was considering on walking to Princeton's and have a go at her for putting me with a freak doctor who literally creeps me out but I saw her talking to another patient in her office with the door closed to I slumped against the wall taking a breath.  
Perhaps I'll go and check up on Dallon and see how he is doing since I didn't see him at breakfast this morning. The hallways were cold and quiet as my boot clad feet thumped down the hallway until I reached the corridor leading out side. The breeze met my face as I scanned the outside world seeing him sitting on a tree stump with a pale and bored expression. He didn't quiet noticed me until I was standing directly in front of him, five steps away exactly weird that I know that but what ever. He looked up with dull eyes and tried to suppress a smile but failed and left his expression with the sadden one. We didn't talk instead we sat on the rather large tree stump and watched the leafs rustle against the ground for about five or so minutes in peace until he spoke up softly.

"He needs you"

"I-I'm sorry?"

"Frank...Somethings wrong" 

"I-I know" I spoke softly nodding, I know somethings wrong with Frank but no one can figure it out not even the fucking doctors whose study this type of behaviour for years and years yet they're fucking clueless just like I am. 

"Find him"

"He won't talk Dallon...I've tried he just p-pushes me away" I swallowed thickly informing Dallon hearing him hum in disapproval.

"He will soon I'm sure of it" 

***

I never got to talk to Princeton that day since the patient was in her office all day but when I finally go around to it I was beyond annoyed with her. Sitting in the cold leather sit she clasped her hands on the desk messing the beaded bracelet on her wrist for a moment. The bracelet looked like a child made it honestly not to be rude, she saw me eyeing the bracelet before sighing and sitting her self up properly.

"My son made it" Wait wait wait she has a freakin son, jesus I would have never known she was the motherly type I nodded wanting to get straight to the point by smiling with out words.

"Right so what can I do for you Gerard"

"F-frank"

"What about him?"

"Somethings wrong!"

"Yes Gerard I'm aware, look theres nothing I can really do if he doesn't talk okay...Honestly I just think its being away from his family and home on his birthday is whats troubling him" A lump in my throat formed as I swallowed thickly, Birthday but if it was his birthday I would have known, then yet again I never really found out his birthday to think of it. I felt awful for not knowing now its so clear, he's spending his 18th birthday in a fucking mental institute with no family or outside friends, no presents nor special wishes just a sad and boring night looking out the bared window on a mental asylum. I know what it feels like to be stuck here where no one cares if its your birthday since I've spent my 18th and 21st here but you learn to not care about your own birthday since no one else does but I care about his. 

"H-his birthday" I dumbfoundedly muttered out seeing her nod. 

"Are you's going to do something for h-him?"

"No I'm afraid Gerard" I squared my jaw hearing her speak in a bored tone, I knew she didn't care about anyone here, we're all just broken toys in her eyes, nothing special just things that needed to be fixed whenever needed.

I stood up from my chair and left the room not bothering to explain my self for further actions. Poor Frank didn't even have any visitors today for his own birthday, his own mother and father didn't even see him to say happy birthday or I love nor show any fucking sign of love for their son, it was disgusting at least my worthless and pathetic parents did on my birthday but even they don't bother anymore. 

Wait never mind I actually take most of that back because when I was passing the visitation room peeping through the window on the door I saw Frank sitting across from the women from his first day here. They were talking as she held a smile while he looked very down and sad, he nodded at her words when her face grew soft with a sadden face. She reached across for his hand but he flinched away and tucked them under his thighs sitting on them. She retreated her hand clasping them on the table before ramaging through her bag pulling out a box of some sort. He gazed down at the object in his skeleton glove clad hands as his inky hair fell in eyes that made me want to burst through the door and tuck it back but I stay behind the door. 

The women nodded before he slowly unwrapped the present as a small petit smile itched at his lips, they twitched up for a split second before he met his mothers eyes. I couldn't hear them but I could read his lips as he said thankful, he looked slightly happy about whatever he got before sitting the black box down on the table as they continued to speak so not wanting to pry on them any more I slipped from the door and went to distract my self for the time being. 

Dmitri leaned up against my wall as I headed over to my window sill where I perched my self up to gaze out to the outside world. The room felt immensely cold as goosebumps littered my skin.

"Where's birthday boy huh?" 

"Go away" I shut him out but turning over and curled into the corner on the window sill, pressing my body against the glass feeling the coldness nip harder at my back as he approached me closer. 

"I need you do something for me"

"No"

"Excuse me!"

"Not again" I felt a sharp grip on my shoulder before I was throw from window onto the floor as he stood near my limp body. His eyes returned from the dark blue to the black red rimmed eyes watching my every move as I backed myself to the wall holding my arm that I fell onto the hard floor with. Feeling aching nipping at my wrist from landing on it Dmitri bent down with a devious smirk licking his lips as he eyes mine as I watched in fear. I refused to do anymore chores for him, I wasn't his servant nor slave and he certainly was NOT! my master. 

He eyed my closely before smirking as pain rippled through my head, hands clutching at my hair to as I whimpered to dull out the pain he just laughed as the pain of a thousands knives stabbed at my skull continued to beat me down. Tears glosses my eyes as I harshly bit down on my bottom lip to distract me from the pain in my head to my lip but it didn't help very much. 

"S-s-stop!" I screamed before knocking was heard from me door, shooting my gaze to the door then back to Dmitri he was gone in a blink an eye as the pain left my head letting me fall down the wall breathless. Fucking ASSHOLE!

"Gerard dinner!" Josh yelled through the door before walking away back to the cafeteria. I sighed painfully feeling throbbing in my now sore wrist I pushed my self up against the wall sitting there for a moment gaining my breath back to a steady pace before standing up on my shaky legs. I was lucky Josh didn't hear me scream or he would have been full of questions. Opening the door with my non sore wrist and heading down the hallway I wore a frown until I spotted Frank actually attending dinner at our table with a calm face. The line for dinner wasn't long but when I grabbed my tray of slob the usual cook smiled at me but it looked like pity, giving her the raised eyebrow she glanced down to my wrist that I had been holding to my body closely.

"You okay dear?" I nodded, she knew I didn't speak to anyone else so she smiled and continued to serve other patients. My boots clad feet found them selves walking to the table before sitting cautiously gently at the table watching at Frank adverted his gaze from the table to me. He didn't smile but hummed in a alerted sign before proceeding to push his food around with his fork with a disgusted face. Seeing him so down and gloomy made me chest clench tightly as I desperately wanted to make him smile again, he shouldn't have to be this sad on his birthday especially his 18th birthday, the birthday where he was finally a legal adult but now he was stuck in this hell hole. 

The silence between us was deafening and making me uncomfortable.

"Are you okay Frank?" He looked up with starless eyes blinking before shrugging his shoulders pushing his tray away looking pass my head. 

"Fine" Franks voice was barely a whisper as he continued to dismiss eye contact. Not wanting to disturb his already sadden self I ate my food quietly cringing at the bad taste as the slime slid down my throat making me want to gag. I glanced over seeing Dallon refusing to eat as Josh basically begged him, He looked over to me with angered eyes but I nodded looking as his tray giving him a pleading look. His gaze soften before his shoulders slump as he picked up his fork and bought a small amount of food to his mouth and purposely ate it dramatically making Josh roll his eyes leaving him be. Dallon looked back to me with a small smirk making me grin before turning my gaze back to the sadden boy but he had already left in the small amount of time. Flicking my gaze around the room frantically I saw Frank taking his medication before leaving the room, his tray still on the table in front of me as the food was untouched but messed around. I sighed in defeat knowing I was getting no where with the small male, resting my throbbing wrist on the table I suddenly didn't feel every hungry anymore seeing Franks food uneaten. 

It amazed me how if Frank was sad then I'd be sad, if he was angry I became angry, if he didn't eat neither would I. It was like I was his other self and I felt and did everything he did but the thing was he had control over it while I didn't because he was the one controlling the emotions.Perhaps he wanted to leave dinner early so he could go and mess around with what ever his mother brought him or maybe he was just tired but he didn't look tired and usually Frank would make a commotion about taking medication because supposedly it was trying to 'Kill' well thats what he yells anyway. 

***

I didn't feel like eating anymore so after thirty minutes of playing with my food I decided to call quiets, take my new medication that Valentin had sit me up on and head back to my room. I was on my way but thats when something popped up in my head, looking out the window of the hallway the sky was crystal clear showing every single sparkling star.I rushed down the hallway and knocked on Frank's door softly three times hearing groaning escape from under the door before it swung open revealing the smaller male.

"What?" His tone was bored and sour making me flinch slightly before trying to smile. I didn't speak instead I shook my head before grabbing his hand hearing no complaints I dragged him from his room sneaking back down pass the common room. I checked to see if any late night doctors were watching as Frank went to speak but I held a free finger to my lips shushing him seeing him get the point. 

Our hands didn't disconnect as I snuck us out of the corridor and out into the winter wonderland out side. Frank shivered and subconsciously leaned into my side for warmth as I continued to drag him to where I had planned. Our feet killed the grass beneath us as I directed him to the blind spot of the courtyard where no one could see us since no windows were located around the back as no lights were lingering around, letting only the moonlight light the outside world up. 

Once we stopped we were standing in the empty space of the courtyard as the moonlight shined down on us. I pointed up to the sky where the milky way laid out across the sky for us to see. Frank followed my arm before gasping as a smile itched its way onto his face as his eyes roamed the sky. 

"It's b-beautiful" He awed gazing up to the stars. I watched him in awe as he smiled up to the star lit skies, something about this moment made my heart thud painfully good against my chest and I couldn't seem to be able to tear my gaze away from him, it was like I was in a trance and couldn't break free but in all honestly I don't think I wanted to.He looked so vulnerable and beautiful in the moonlight as he licked his lips glossing them over with saliva. 

I moved closer to him so I was standing in front of him, chest almost touching when he looked down slightly from the star lit skies to my eyes smiling before blinking.

"W-what?" He whispered quietly I shook my head smiling properly for the first time since I've been here. 

"Happy Birthday Frankie"

I cupped franks face softly feeling his slightly cold cheeks against my warm hands, He looked up to me with wide and hopeful eyes that glinted with moonlight making them sparkle like a diamond in the light. Brushing the hair from his pretty eyes I slowly leaned down feeling him clutch at my waist before connecting our lips ever so softly, his cold lips were soft and delicate against mine making my heart thud painfully good against my chest. He kissed back slowly gripping my waist tightly before we eventually parted for air. Leaning my forehead against his as we stood out in the open under the stars nuzzling our noses together lovingly.

He looked at me with passionate but slightly confused eyes making me giggle slightly which is rare for me to do.

"It's Probably appropriate if I told you that I'm gay"

"Well thats explains it" He laughed before cautiously wrapping his arms around my neck brining me down to his level kissing me this time.Everything felt so different being this close with him, like everything was going to be okay for once but I wasn't quiet sure what the kiss explained for him but it added to the mystery

"How did you know it was my birthday?" He softly mumbled against my lips making me giggle at the tingling sensation the vibrations caused. 

"Never you mind that" I smirked as he stared up to me as I held him by the waist. 

The wind picked up making him shiver within my arms, so I brought him closer pressing him to my chest as he tighten his grip around my neck never letting me go. My legs began to do that shaky jolting thing after standing up on them for so long so I pulled away before kneeling down to the ground, laying on my back as the grass stuck up around the side of my face before making grabby hands for Frank, after finally getting the hint he gently dropped himself to the ground before he chose to lay the other way so his face was beside mine but his body was laying vertical and opposite from mine kinda like what Edward and Bella did on Twilight, you know that cheesy position but it worked in our favour.

"What do you wish for?" I whispered hearing him sigh in content.

"To be free of this place" He sounded beaten for a moment as the words left his lips.

"Me too Frankie"

Frank lifted his arm above up before dropping it behind his hand as his fingers interlaced with mine shyly within the grass, I smiled at the action squeezing his cold fingers as they started to warm up over time. The stars continued to twinkle above us as the moon became bright as the rose even higher in the sky as the night proceeded to roll in, Frank's breathing could be heard beside my ear making me somewhat calm knowing he was all that mattered at the moment. I think it was safe to say that I had fallen painfully hard for this boy since he was the only thing that I couldn't get out of my head ever since I laid eyes on the poor broken boy in the visitors room when I had a meltdown, scaring the poor boy. I had never fallen for anyone before and it was sad and happy to say that Frank had even been my first kiss because little o'l me had never been with someone before because I had been afraid of more rejection that I had grown used to facing my whole life. I knew Frank's lips had been kissed before and that made something within my twitch a little but I couldn't control what he did in the past.

The grass and dried up leaves crunched and rustle as he started shifting around. He rose up to his knees before waddling over to beside me, then laying him self down onto my chest meaning he had to straddle my hips, legs bracketed around my waist so he was directly on my chest, nuzzling his face into my neck for warmth, tucking his arms underneath himself and on my chest he hummed happily into my neck making the hairs on my body stand up from the sensation. Slowly I wrapped my arms around his torso keeping him closer to me as I stared up to the fairy light like stars above soon closing my eyes not caring if I fell asleep with Frank in my arms in the courtyard of an mental institute because all that mattered was keeping Frank happy on his sadden birthday. 

"Happy birthday Frankie" I whispered kissing his cold temple before resting my head back onto the ground knowing he had heard me.


	15. Plan of attack??

:Goner/ɡɒnə/a person or thing that is doomed or cannot be saved:

:Don't let me be gone:

 

Then next morning the didn't seize to be happy nor calm as I woke up to my body jolting violently as I had no utter control of it, my vision was blurred at server pains rippled through my mind. I shot up from my bed and down to the floor as my body continued to shake and shake painfully. Tears glided down my cheek and onto the floor as I whimpered painfully.

"Gee!" Frank's voice was shouting from my door but I couldn't look at him, my vision and head was stuck staring at under my bed as I twitched on the cold floor beneath me. I felt someone grabbed me with their cold hands but I didn't stop as they were desperately trying to calm me.

"Fuck I uh um I get Princeton!" He shouted before letting his cold hands free me before running out. My body shook violently as it felt like electrical shocks where being zapped through my skin. 

"Gerard! can you hear me" I couldn't respond as my skin felt like it was about to ripped of my body. Feet approached my before I knew it Josh had me pinned down with a sorrowed face as Princeton laid my left arm out flat before taking the protection cap on the needle that made my stomach churn. I was still twitching as I glanced up with a terrified expression seeing Frank standing against the wall with wide eyes that held tears as he watch me be pinned down as Princeton injected a filthy needle into my veins. The thought made me sick but what made everything worse was when Dmitri slinked into the room before leaning against the wall beside Frank, he didn't notice Dmitri's appearance but instead he shivered and hugged his body much like me whenever Dmitri comes close. Frightened that Dmitri was going to hurt him I fought against Josh but it wasn't long after when my eyes became lidded as my body fell limp into a pair of arms as the crisp cold liquid from the thin needle took action.

***

"No Mikey no stop!" I giggled as my younger brother playfully tackled me down to the floor, straddling my hips before proceeding to jab his fingers into my ribs making me laugh and cry from the mixture of pain and electric shocks from the tickling. I gripped Mikey's wrist before throwing him off me before jumping up and running away from my little brother but was cut short when my mother stood at the door way with a smile on her face. 

"Boys what are you doing?" She laughed before Mikey ran around the corner smacking into my back making me fall forward but mother caught me. Mother shook her head with a smile before walking pass us ruffling our hair continuing to prepare dinner. 

"Dinner will be ready in ten so make sure to wash up okay" We nodded suddenly jumping back as the front door slammed shut as stomping was heard approaching the   
kitchen. I turned as Mikey and I stared at the man known as our father storming into our kitchen with fiery eyes and a glare so cold it made me freeze. I wasn't aware why my father was so angry at this point of time but if looks could kill we'd all surely be dead right now, a lump was driven in my throat as I shook violently on the spot. Mikey pressed closer into my side for a protection sense, Mikey feared our father at times and I always had to protect him, hug him to sleep as he'd shake from fright when we were younger. 

"Hi Honey" Mother tried but was shushed with a violent slap across her right cheek, a painful crack filled my ears as I winced seeing my father abuse my mother. 

"Don't you speak!" He yelled in her voice, visibly fright was shown on her face as I clenched my fist from anger.

Anger was seething of my father like his skin was on fire one touch and you'd burn and blow away in the wind as ash. Mikey stepped from behind me instantly making me make grabby hands for him to push him behind me for protection, Mikey was only 15 and I was 17, I could only just managed myself against my father but Mikey was a skinny young kid, he was still vulnerable to abuse. 

"Mikey!" I hissed lowly but father twisted around sending a glare to my younger brother. Father slowly approached Mikey, wanting him shrink in the spot but he grabbed his collar pulling the smaller body up to his face snarling in Mikey's face. Clicking over to instant brotherly protection I approached them but before I could father threw Mikey of him and into me, making me fall backwards gripping my brother as we fell down to the floor. 

"Honey whats the matter?" Mother tried but only pissed him off more.

"You know exactly whats the matter!" He yelled before drawing the thing I feared most coming from my father, A gun and instead of pointing it to my mother he aimed it down to my baby brother making my eyes widen with fright and fear that he will end my baby brother.

"Mikey!" 

BANG

***

Something bright was being shined into my eyes as my eyes lids were being forced open.

Mikey, wheres Mikey's is my baby brother dead. Was it a dream, was I shot too! What was the matter I can't remember why my father was angry, why did he kill Mikey did he bleed out, is my mother dead! All these questions were racking my mind and nothing was going to answer them because nothing was making sense. I had never dreamed about my baby brother while being in here, I never really thought about him after everything that had happen in our family so why would I suddenly dream about him being shot.

"His conscious, pupils slightly dilated but vitals are all even and steady as is his heart beat." Princeton's voice echoed in front of me has I laid limp on some sort of chair. The blinding white lights in the room of some sort made my head pulsate painfully as things picked and poked at my face and arms. 

"Gerard can you hear me?" This felt awfully familiar, I gently nodded feeling my throat close up from being dry as my mouth felt like I was eating sand...not something I'd like to feel.   
"Squeeze my hand Gerard" Someones hand slipped into mine, I forced my tired fingers to squeeze her hand hearing them give a satisfied hum before letting go on mine. I didn't want to open my eyes but it was too bright on the other side of darkness, something made my eyebrows furrow when a cold soft hand slipped into mine squeezing my hand delicately, it wasn't a doctors since I knew what their hands felt like after numerous "Squeeze my hand" procedures. 

"Gee" A small whisper came from beside me making my senses heighten, I knew it was Frank immediately, wanting to see him I pried my tired eyes open blinking rapidly to help adjust them before letting them wonder off to the frighten boy beside me who had messed up hair and tired eyes they looked red from tears or sleep. 

"H-hi" I crocked seeing him give a broken smile before resting him head on the bed I was seated on, he laid him head on my arm where my bicep was as he peered up to me with lazy eyes and a crooked smile that I didn't return. 

I was confused as to why I was in here, did I hurt someone or viseverser? or maybe I fainted. Looking around I was Josh and Princeton before seeing Valentin enter the room with angry eyebrows being furrowed as he stared at me before stomping over to Princeton and Josh who too held an angry expression. Princeton turned to Valentin and crossed her arms over here chest annoyed.

"What happen to my patient?" Valentin seemed shocked but something about his response to everything seemed fake and off, something was not right in his head because he stared at me like he was going to drug me or murder me which made chills run violently down my back.

"It says here you prescribed him to Mirtzaphine you IDIOT! He cant be on Trazodone and fucking Mirtzaphine at the same time are you trying to kill my patient!" Princeton yelled at Valentin making him jump back from her sudden anger towards the idiot. Me and Frank just stared as the scene in front of us unfolded before our tired eyes. 

"It wasn't going to kill him"

"He had a fucking seizure you-ugh just get out"

"He's my patient Princeton"

"Well he's mine again for today get out while I attend to him" Valentin left with clenching fist shoving pass Josh smacking shoulders as Princeton walked back over to us. She slowly explained what had happened which I had no memory off and what caused it, I nodded understanding most of it but a lot of her words came out jumbled and I couldn't replace them in order to understand them. Things became confusing when I was able to leave the clinic words seemed jumble up as they were spoken or written, Perhaps it's just the effect of a seizure but what ever it was, it was making it really fucking hard to concentrate on anything. 

 

Valentin had walked passed Frank and I on my way back to my room, his jaw was squared as his eyes were dark but he didn't seize to stop as he approached up. Frank had told me not to worry about him but the senses I get from him itched at my head, I needed to know what his intention were being here, he wasn't a normal doctor I could tell by the way his eyes x-rayed everyone here. 

***  
The crack in my wall ran all the way from where the wall meets the roof to where it meets the floor, the crack had been there for years I wasn't sure how it even got there but it wasn't here when I came. I dragged my finger down the plastered crack aimlessly seeing white powder from the plaster coat the pad of my index finger before I blew it off gently. The seizure incident that occurred about a week or two ago had settle and Princeton decided to call it quiets and attend back to me as Valentin is more of a assistant doctor since he's lower than Princeton because she's the boss of everyone. She had prescribed me back to my old medication so I wouldn't DIE.

Following the same routine, wake up most times with Frank curled up in my side, get dressed, breakfast, medication, lunch, no medication, spends hours aimlessly doing nothing before dinner time, medication before shower then sleep. Its been the same for the pass four years besides Frank sneaking into my bed for the night and escaping early in the morning. I had grew into the routine of that so when Frank wasn't in my bed at my side It was hard to sleep...well harder than usual. 

Moving to the counter where the cook behind gave me a cheeky smile handing me the tray. I kind of just stared at the tray before she nudged it forward making me jolt my head up concentrating on grabbing the food. I grasped the tray nodding in thanks before searching the room for Frank almost dropping my tray when the man in the black cloak aka Dmitri was sitting besides Frank smirking over to me as his red rimmed black eyes roamed over to mine. My feet stuttered against the tiles as he scooted closer to where they were touching shoulders, Frank simultaneously shivered rubbing his biceps with opposite hands before tugging the hoodie from the back of his neck up to cover his head. Dmitri's arm raised and smugly draped it over his shoulders making Frank shiver violently as I clenched my jaw watching in horror. 

"Gerard?" Josh stood beside me as I stared in shock when Frank rose up and look over to me smiling while shaking from icy cold sense I knew that was acting like an ora around him.   
"Gerard" Josh pushed before nudging my arm making me jolt slightly but I didn't move as Frank walked over as Dmitri followed.When standing in front of me Dmitri ushered me, drawing his finger to his lips to stay silent then dragging it across his throat to stay alive. 

"Come on Gerard" Josh bent down picking up the tray, Frank stepped to me confusion lacing his face before his shyly grasping my hand, his skin ice cold making goosebumps litter my skin. Dmitri made a noise of death, a low growl arose from his throat sending dark daggers down to our hands, he stepped forward reaching out to Frank so I quickly snatched my hand from Franks stomping backwards. Hurt filled Frank face, eyes dropping from my action as Josh tried to push me into focusing on him but I could only focus on the signs that Dmitri was showing, I couldn't understand them making him more angry when I wasn't following him. 

"I-i-i" I stuttered when Dmitri slowly touched Franks shoulder, falling backwards I shook my head as Dmitri whispered things to me making me grip my hair to ignore them because I couldn't understand them. Shaking my head more I backed up before urging my way out of the cafeteria and making my way through the maze of the institute before slamming the door open to meet the cold gush of wind smacking my face as I fell outside gaining breath that I had been holding for moments on end. Nothing was making sense anymore, words were jumbled, letters were blurred as my head was spinning plus I dreamed about my baby brother Mikey. 

"Hello Gerard lovely night is it not?" Dmitri's voice surrounded me, I just wanted to get away from everything. 

"Whats happening?"

"Don't you see...Everything is planning out" Dmitri chuckled darkly. 

"W-what?"

"I'm keeping you safe"

"From what?"

"All of them" My head snapped up to the ghostly figure seeing him staring out into the forest lacing the outside of this facility. All of them wasn't a very clear and clever answer to give me, You was them, how many was there and why would they want me.

"W-why?" I stood facing him as he continued to stare out while his cloak blew in the wind. 

"Because you can't let them get you Gerard" He finished with a cold glare annoyed with my questions. 

"Remember the bottles Gerard?" I nodded knowing exactly what he was talking about.

"Tonight" He suddenly disappeared making me wonder as to how he does that. What did he mean by tonight, what was he or I going to do?

"Gerard" Turning around Frank was walking from the entrance over to me, feet dragging through the slightly long grass covering his converse.  
He approached me cautiously, finally standing in front of me, he glanced up with wide worried eyes keeping slight distance. I felt bad about how I reacted to to him before, I didn't mean to hurt him it hurt me to see pain fill his face. I avoided his eyes feeling guilty for how I reacted, In my peripheral vision I could see him searching for my eyes so giving in I peered down to his sadden face, he looked pale and was shivering from the cold much like before when Dmitri had a hold on him. 

"I'm sorry" I whispered softly to the boy watching him shake his head. Gently grabbing his hands, his cold skin made mine tingle. He slowly and cautiously wrapped his arms around my neck watching my eyes intently with worry as he slowly brought my neck down to met his height before he ever so slowly connected his lips to mine. The spark I felt the first time returned making me smile with slight happiness but for some odd reason I wasn't as happy as I was during the first kiss, something felt different, something felt off. Our lips moved in sync slowly before he parted eyes still shut softly. 

"Whats wrong Gee?"

"Nothing"

"Bullshit!" He yelled at me making me glance down to the floor as he moved from me instantly missing the body heat. 

"Something going on with you!...why can't you tell me, stop keeping everything secret!" He sounded so broken and desperate for an answer that I couldn't provide, I couldn't let him know what was going on inside my mind, he couldn't know about Mikey, Dmitri's so called plans or the vision. He'd be spooked and run away just like everyone else did and I needed him because for once I felt okay with him. 

I didn't respond because I had nothing to respond with instead my mouth just kept closing and opening like a fish out of water. He stood back from me looking lost and desperate for anything. 

"I-i can't" I whispered, rolling his eyes he stared out into the darkened forest with dark eyes nodding.

"Of course you can't Gerard" He sighed rubbing his eyes before shaking his head turing to leave me to stand out here in the cold and dark alone.  
"Night Gerard" He grumbled turning on his heel to leave, I watched his figure grow smaller and smaller before he finally disappeared into the corridor, I knew Frank was upset but I can't let him know the secrets, the things that are happening in my mind because if he did he would eventually leave me. 

 

"Tonight Gerard" The voice hissed in my mind and unknowingly I nodded agreeing with what ever plan was in order.


	16. Violent misunderstandings

:Therapy/θɛrəpi/the treatment of mental or psychological disorders by psychological means:

:After a year in therapy, my doctor turned to me and told me that "perhaps life isn't for everyone":

 

*Frank

I never set out to have Gerard almost lifeless in my arms, I didn't plan having the boy I fell in love with basically die in my arms. His skin was cold as ice as his eyes peered up to me, his hazel orbs pierced through mine before they fluttered shut, his head lolled to the side as I screamed out to the doctors for help. He couldn't die, I needed him, I needed him to fight the monsters away at night and wrap me in his arms as I cried. I had knocked on his door but it swung open revealing Gerard slumped against the wall head lolling to the side where a bottle was clenched in his hand while other sprawled out against the floor, pills covered his lap. Eyes widening I had ran over to him falling to my knees and dragged him over to lay his head in my lap, He was dying, didn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure it out. 

"No! no! no!"

"Gerard please!"

I-i n-need you" I whined in a desperate voice, tears steaming tracks down my face eventually falling and splashing onto his now pale and cold cheeks as his pale blue lips parted, breath shallowed and unsteady as I could faintly feel them against my face as I held him close.

Princeton finally revealed her self almost fainting at the sight as pills were everywhere as Gerard laid limp and motionless in my arms. She fell to the floor cradling his head before opening his eyes to search for any life before she yelled to josh to bring her a needle to wake him up, gets his system back into heighten mode. They tried to get me off him but I clung to him with a death grip as tears fell from my eyes onto his cheek before I gave up and fell to the floor as they rushed him away down the hallway leaving me to cry against the wall believing that Gerard was officially dead. 

"I'm s-so sorry G-gerard" I cried harshly to myself.

The voices scream at me that it was my fault, I pushed him away in the courtyard, I walked off and left him when he was already in a delicate position. I know the voices are right, they're always right and perhaps I have just killed Gerard myself. Bottles laid sprawled out along the floor, pills decorated the place since he hadn't managed to polish every single one off.

Thing that amazed me that he managed to steal these, they had strangers names printed on the labels and there was approximately ten in total here. Princeton had warned me when I was first instituted here that Gerard was extremely suicidal for the pass four years and had an addiction which consist of taking pills plus consuming unhealthy amounts of alcohol before he came here and that he could very easily get bad again but I was almost convinced that I was starting to fix him, I was convinced that maybe he'd start to see the light again but perhaps Gerard was just another broken toy that no matter how much glue or tape you use, they will always remain broken.

Nothing but relentless coldness racked my body as violent and harsh whispers hushed at me from the back of my head, as they itched my mind making me silently scream. The voices didn't seize to stop they only grew louder and louder making my thoughts silent as they took over. ALL OF THEM.

"You did this!"

"His dead because of you!"

"No" I whined gripping my hair violently.

"If you didn't leave him he'd still be alive FRANK!"

"Kill yourself Frank! Feel his pain!"

"No!" I tugged at my hair roughly where a few strains fell down onto his floor besides the bottles.I then proceeded to smack my hands against my head roughly, feeling the sharp stinging sensation heat my skin up every time my palm met my head. I knew this was my fault, I had left Gerard when he was vulnerable and broken, I turned my back on him and walked away. Fucking idiot. I paced back and fourth feeling tears brim my eyes.

"If he hurts then you should too!" A voice hissed from behind my shoulders making me whimper before I they forced my to smack my head against the walls of his room as bruises slowly formed on my forehead as each smack was delivered. Dizziness and blurriness made it hard to comprehend on what was around me at the time, so backing away from the wall after numerous hits I did the next thing to feel the pain.

Connecting my fist to the white wall it felt like my bones were cracking with every punch, I became aware that soon after I didn't stop, red marks appeared on the wall indicating that I had broken my skin and blood had seeped through the wounds marking the wall. Falling to my knees I screamed letting tears of anger and sadness fall freely not caring any more because I was certain for once that Gerard was dead. Back pressed against the wall I tucked my knees up burying my face into them letting out every scream and tears I've been locking up for the pass six -eight months here, I let them escape feeling no release of the immense pain I was enduring now because I had lost Gerard, the boy I had finally fallen for, the boy who made me feel sane in my worse moments. 

There was only one thing I was certain for...I needed Gerard Arthur Way.

***

Did you know that its actually possible to die from lack of sleep, I thought those were just myths but seems not. A week and a half has passed and I've had a total of six hours of sleep and it was becoming painful but I couldn't sleep, I was afraid to sleep because it means I'd have to fall into unconsciousness with out Gerard holding me in his arms rocking me to sleep, as I laid there warm listening to his steady heart beat and shallow breaths. Now my bed was cold and loveless but I haven't been laying in it, I've been spending my days in Gerard's laying there staring at the tallies on his wall as tears fell onto his cold pillows. 

Princeton nor Josh have told me anything, every time we meet eyes they shallow out a pity and sorrowed gaze but never actually tell me anything so I guess my assumptions are correct, Gerard Way was dead. Pushing the food around on my tray as they tried to get me to eat but I refused, I didn't deserve to eat, I didn't deserve to feel full, I deserve to be empty and in pain because of my actions. No one dared to speak to me because news had gone around, they left me alone offering pity and saddened looks when I pass them, someone even tried to give me a apologetic hug but I flinched and pushed them away, I only let Gerard hold me but seems like that was over. I became aware that I was slowly breaking into pieces, I haven't slept a wink, dark circles under my eyes, I've showered what once or twice, stayed in Gerard's hoodie and some random pants not bothering to change, hair was matted and knotted as constant tears streaked my cheeks making them red and blotchy all day. I've been skipping medication sessions by pretending to take them but keeping them tucked under my tongue until I can slip away and spit them out. I have only eaten five unfinished meals in week and a half making me weak just goes to show how much I really do need Gerard here, he kept me grounded. 

Days consisted of staring out into space or being out side in the grass staring up to the fairy light stars thinking about the night of my birthday where Gerard kissed me, instantly making me happy. My knuckles haven't healed from me beating into the wall where faint tints of my blood still laid, oh and they FINALLY cleaned up his room, taking the bottles away and cleaned up the sprawled out pills. 

Now that I had finished absolutely non of my dinner I shoved the tray away before slowly pushing my self up, using the table for support before leaving the table as the room went silent as they watched my vulnerable state make a move to leave the room but Josh approached my carefully with a sad smile.

"Hey Frank uh you've got a visitor" 

"W-who?"

"Your mother...I think?" He sounded just as confused as I but I only nodded pushing pass him heading over to where the visitation room was. Pushing the door open with minimal strength left, scanning the room my mothers eyes found mine as she smile but I felt sick as my vision blurred slightly, I shook it off walking slowly over to her. She held her arms open but I ignored them and fell into the chair feeling grateful to be off my tired and weak legs. Mother sat across from me, hands clasped in her lap giving me a worried look.

"Is everything okay Franklin?" Ugh I despised that name. I shrugged lowering my head staring down to my lap feeling the tears I've been shedding for the pass four days come back up to the surface. Nothing was okay, everything was now fucked up even more, nothing felt good anymore nothing felt OKAY! Life became duller over the past eleven days, the voices yelled at me, I broke my knuckles from them because nothing was fine. I couldn't bare to look in the mirror because I'm the cause of his death all because I left him, I'm a fucking idiot and everyone knows it, I can see it in their eyes as they scan me, the murderer no wonder they won't talk or approach me. 

"He's dead" I whimpered hearing my mother gasped loudly as I winced staring down into my lap feeling a single tear track down my face slowly leaving a warm salty track littering my cheek. 

"Who Frank?"

"G-g-gerard" I whispered, it hurt to speak his name, it pained my chest. Looking up slowly mother just wore I horrific but slightly confused expression, every visit I have never spoken or mentioned anything about Gerard but she was in fact very homophobic and still believes that this place will medicate the 'gay' out of me.When I was younger like 12 or so she literally tried to beat the gay out of me, apparently it was against gods way and decided that beating into her own child was doing god good and that I'll come out as a perfect straight young man but instead I came out as a gay, broken and a apparent schizophrenic teenager. Father wasn't any better in fact he would beat me more than mother would, I'd return to my room bruised ribs and split lips from slaps and scratches to the face. Life was not worth living then and now it wasn't worth living now. 

"Whose this Gerard Frank?" 

"M-my boyfriend" I spoke softly, Gerard wasn't my boyfriend since we never made anything official, It might have just been a relationship where we'd sneak kisses, flirtatious winks and glares and sleeping with each other non sexually but then again I wouldn't know what a relationship is since the last one I had wasn't love, it was abuse. My ex named Joel was nothing but a filthy and disgusting excuse for a human, he'd do nothing but lay his hands on me, force kisses and did not fail to make me violently uncomfortable. Mother once caught us kissing well him kissing me despite me not wanting to, in my room she told my father in horror so my father threw him out and continued to beat me for hours on end well thats what it felt like. That had been why I was so afraid of falling for someone new and being in love but when I met Gerard something about him, something in his eyes and the way he broke his silence voicing his broken voice to the world when I was suffering showed that he was different. I knew when I met him that things might just be okay and he showed me that maybe life could have light in it again and I am for ever grateful that I had the chance to be able to fall for him and even have my heart broken over him.

"You're still gay?" My mothers voice sneered over my words as she glared at me but not very harshly. 

"I tell you that someone I love died and all you care about is that I'm still fucking gay!" I yelled gripping the armrest tightly with my broken knuckles but the pain felt good as it shot up my arm and down my back, sending tingling of electricity through my body waking me up slightly. Mother crossed her arms over her chest sitting back into the chair has she crossed her leg over the other letting her navy blue pencil skirt ride up a little, like seriously who needs to wear that when visiting their son in a fucking mental institute. 

"You're right, I'm sorry sweetie"

"Don't call me that!" I hissed to the wicked lady. Nothing but silence hovered over us making me twitch uncomfortably in my chair I just wanted to be alone right now and I think she sensed it since she got up and slung her handbag over her shoulder before shooting me an apologetic smile.

"Look I'm sorry okay but perhaps it was for the best" She spoke sternly before turning on her heels proceeding to exit the building as I was left sitting at the table clenching my fist painfully tight, crescent moon shapes would be engraved on my palm, nothing but anger filled my sense making me want to scream the place down and tear its wall down brick by brick. How dare she tell me that Gerard dying in my arms was for the fucking best, that happening is potentially the reason if I end up hanging myself in this place, how dare she fucking tell me that life would be better life this. She is not my mother, not any more.  
Scooting the chair back standing up I ran a hand through my hair painfully before lashing out sending my fist into the table, indenting the metal as my fist collided with it numerous times. 

"Motherfucker!" I screamed punching and abusing the table, feeling my already broken knuckles break even more, the bone felt like it was turning to mush as tears fell once again, doing the same action Gerard did when we first met I grabbed the metal chair before slamming it down roughly the table was now more than broken as I heard Josh enter the room shouting my name, being careful not to approach to fast or I might turn on him. 

"He's dead!"

"Fucking dead! Because of me!" I screamed completely breaking down in front of the people who scurried over to the door watching the madmen loose himself. 

I dropped to my knees burying my face in my hands sobbing harder than I ever have before, the world felt cold as my body felt frozen as ice. 

"I need him!" I whimpered before I sense Josh drop down beside me grabbing me by the bicep, I didn't bother to protest any more because I was too weak, to tired to fight against him or anyone, I was too tried for life. A sharp sting appeared making me jump and eyes widen when I inspected the needle entering my arm as Josh lowered me to lay on the ground, staring up to the blinding white ceiling lights my eye lids became hooded maybe just maybe they were poisoning me and I could be with Gerard again.

Waking up to internal darkness made me squirm slightly to what ever I was tied to. I never did like the dark, I despised it but when I opened my eyes there was a window letting through moonlight to shine whatever was in here. Sitting up I found it difficult since my ankles and wrist were bound down to the bed by leather restraints that were chained my metal chains. Jiggling them around feeling panic climb up my throat feeling like I was going to vomit I could hear voices on the outside of the door before the sound of keys jiggling in the door made me jump. When the door opened it revealed Princeton pushing her glasses up before turning on the light making me wince from the sudden exposure to bright lights. She mumbled a quick apology before approaching me, she went to undo the restraints but gave me a worried look like I was going to hurt her.

"It's fine I promise" She nodded before unclipping them letting me slip my hands and ankles out simultaneously rubbing where the leather rubbed on my skin.Crossing my legs on the bed I immediately look down to my lap knowing she was disappointed in my but I didn't care because nothing fucking mattered any more.

"Frank whats going on with you?" I didn't answer but after a moment she gently put her hand on my knee, not in a creepy way but in a caring and reassuring manner which I didn't seem to flinch away from since I usually back away from anyone besides Gerard. I shook my head brining my hands up to grip my hair not wanting to cry all over again, feeling the same pain from before swell in my chest. 

"Frank I can't help unless you tell me" I didn't want her help nor need it. She let go on my knee before gripping her clipboard as I felt her eyes still on me. 

"H-he's really gone" I rocked back and fourth biting my lip violently where I tasted metallic substance coat my bottom lips before I licked it away. She tilted her head making her glasses slid down slightly.

"Who?"

"G-gerard" I hushed out brokenly.

"Wait Frank he's only gone for a few more days, he'll back soon" My eyes widen as I jumped up off the bed, what the fuck does she mean! A few days, no one can come back from the dead after being dead for almost two fucking weeks. Mind my starting aching thinking about everything that she was just saying it was starting to make me feel dizzy and sick. How could they do this, I've been breaking down more and more over to the past two weeks and was actually planing on hanging my self in the next couple of days, I had a noose made from twisted up blanket covers because I didn't want to bare this pain any more. 

"What!"

"Frank calm down please"

"But he died!"

"What? wait no he-didn't Josh tell you?" I shook my head violently. She groaned rubbing her temples muttering about how useless Josh was at his job and calling him every name under the sun that wasn't very polite.

"Frank Gerard didn't die, he was very close but his been emitted into solitary and looked after until his...stable" Princeton stopped as my breath was coming out shallowed and laboured. Everything I've felt and did over the pass week or so was because of a miss understanding, I thought Gerard had died in my arms but he was apparently still alive but trapped in a white cage like an animal. She approached me slowly putting a hand on my shoulder as I felt faint. She told me to breath deeply as I followed her order everything became a little less blurred. This was Josh's fault for not telling me when it was a order from the head leader which is Princeton, I did everything because of that including breaking my knuckles, breaking tables, numerous bruises littering my forehead from the voices whispering for me to break my own fucking skull. 

But relief drowned my senses making tears of happiness and slight sadness spill over and down my cheeks. Princeton gave me a sadden smile as she rubbed my shoulder in a caring matter. She explained what he did and asked if I knew how he was able to get ahold of so much medication, I told her that I was unaware of what he was hiding and where, she seemed like she didn't believe me at first but soon sighed and nodded upstanding my statement because I too was just as lost. 

"D-do you think...Like could I-i see him...Please Princeton I need t-too" I begged lips quivering as I managed to stop crying so hard. She looked like she was debating against her self but she hesitantly nodded making me give a crooked and broken smile which seemed to please her. She stood up straightening out her pencil skirt before nodding for me to join her, leading me down the blinding white hallways hearing people in solitary smack and bang against the doors, it became deafening after a while hearing so many patients in mental and psychical pain from slamming them selves against the metal doors. I wasn't sure if I could handle seeing the boy that I thought was dead for so long in front of me again but at the same time I needed this just as much as he probably did as well. Finally Princeton stopped, unlocking the little lock on the window attached to the door before turning to me with a calm collective face.

"I'll give you's a minute, I'll be in that office yell if...something happens okay" I nodded shocked how trusting she was being with me because you shouldn't really leave a 'crazy' person alone with another one but meh what ever makes her happy. She closed the office door, opening the latch then sliding the metal door open, I held onto the metal ledge of the window going on my tippy toes to see over, looking around the room I spotted a mob of coal black hair standing out against the blinding white padded walls. My heart ached and eyes glossed over with tears as a thumped formed in my throat. 

Gerard was currently slumped against the wall with his hair falling down over his eyes as he was restrained in a straight jacket, keeping his arms tight against his body while his legs were sprawled out in front of him. Finding my voice I finally caught his attention.

"Gee" I whispered his head lolled up before he shook his hair out of the way when his eyes met mine, his mouth dropped before he flung himself forward causing him to face plant with a little whine before getting up on his knees then to his feet before running over to me, smacking into the door with wide frighten eyes like I wasn't real and he was seeing a ghost. I backed from the door slightly as he smacked into it but once I saw tears falling from his bloodshot hazel eyes, I itched back closer to him with two bars in the window hole separated us. I wanted nothing but to hold him or him hold me but I couldn't before of the fucking door between us. Gerard was so very far from fine, he looked like a mess dark under eyes, messed up and oily hair and pale and skinny cheeks making me wonder if he has eaten at all because over the past two weeks he looks like he's lost weight.

We stared at each other before I raised an hand slotting it through the wide gape between to the two bars cupping his jaw in my hand, his skin was frozen but still delicately soft, he leaned into the touch with quivering lips before I leaned in pulling his face closer until our lips touched. I felt dizzy from the kiss because I had convinced my self that I was never going to kiss or feel his lips again but kissing him now seemed like a sickening dream. He kissed back slowly so when we pulled away he slumped against the door more.

"I-I thought you died Gee, In my arms...I was so fucking broken and lost with out you" I whispered stroking his cheek bone with my thumb.

"I-I'm so sorry Frankie...I didn't mean too" He cried against the door making me want to slap his lips off because it was hurting my emotionally hearing him so broken and desperate for forgiveness. 

"I-i'm so fucking stupid" He smacked his head against the bars of the window making me jump slightly, now stroking the red patch of his forehead, the skin was warm from the collision.

"No you're not, you're just broken...there's a difference Gee"

"I-I can't be fixed" Tears fell down from his cheeks onto the straight jacket making dull grey patches against the bright white material. 

"Everyone can be fixed...it just takes time" I paused for a brief moment.

"I'll fix you, if you give me the time"

"Okay?"

"Okay"

I wasn't allowed to see Gerard anymore while he was still kept in solitary which pained me but knowing he was alive and physically stable eased my mind slightly. I still had kept back to my old habits, not eating, shoving everyone away and sleeping well more like just laying in his bed until he came back where he could sleep with me, nights have been cold with out him, with out being held into his chest until I fell asleep. It had been five days since I've seen him last and the suspense of when he was coming back was killing me because it had now just clicked over to three weeks from him trying to kill himself and yet he wasn't back. I know things will be different when he returns, he was quiet the rest of the visit the night I saw him, he didn't talk much nor make eye contact and when we kissed he didn't more or kiss back much so I gave up on pushing for a response and was happy just being able to see him alive and in person. 

Dallon was currently sitting across from me at lunch picking at his food, I never really did talk to Dallon but I knew Gerard did or gave him notes when he chose to go mute again so I decided to test the waters for myself.

"Hi" I awkwardly spoke feeling heat fill my cheeks from my rather bland introduction.

"Hello Frank" Dallon looked up with his skinny face offering a crooked smile, seems like no one in this place could smile properly anymore. Looking Dallon in the eye it suddenly clicked over, he was the guy in the corner in the room, knees tucked up as a broken frown laced his face, he was the very first person I laid eyes on in this institute letting me know that this place really does squish any happiness out of you.

"Are you okay?"

"Sure...What about you Frank?"

"Fine" He nodded and I guess that was the end of that conversation. 

God Gerard can not come back fast enough.


	17. Bloody marry

"Vision/vɪʒ(ə)n/the faculty or state of being able to see.:

:The only thing worse than being blind, is having sight but no vision:

*Frank

Princeton had warned me that Gerard was being released today well thats what I remember from the one minute and forty five second conversation I encountered with her. She had warned me that Gerard had been...Different to say, he didn't speak any more again nor eat, he'd sit and stare at the wall with out blinking with is rather impressive since I can't go five seconds with out blinking because my eyes feel like the sun is burning them alive. I knew this would happen after not seeing him for four weeks, I knew he'd be different and in all honesty that scared me because what if he never comes back from his suicidal state, what if he becomes so distant that he doesn't want to be held nor hold me and sleep by himself leaving me to fall asleep cold and alone which was how I feared dying.

Tugging the skeleton bone gloves on my hands to keep the warmth preserved I pushed the tray of food away not feeling hungry no more despite the fact that I never felt hungry anymore, ever since Gerard left I had gotten worse if I may so so my self, I barely ate nor showered but at least I had one this morning, my hair was a utter mess as dark circles littered my under eyes and like I said before I never left Gerard's hoodie because some sense of protection and safety hugged to me when wearing his clothes. Dallon had spoke to me a lot more over the passing week because with out Gerard he too was left with no one by his side. Dallon had stopped eating again from what I observed from my table as he sat against the corner glaring at the bowl of soggy wheat that sat in front of him before shoving it away making the crisp white milk slosh over the side and onto the table. It amazed me how much Gerard's appearance effected people around him because with out Gerard I was a mess, Dallon didn't eat, Princeton always wore an angry face, Josh seemed bored that now he had no one to play pick on but Valentin seemed unfazed, I get what Gerard means, there is a weird feeling I get from the guy just the way his dark eyes roamed over the patients or how he smiles when someone fights against the doctors like it was some sick magic show he was enjoying a little to much for comfort. 

The cafeteria was silent as I left turning down the hallway into east wing where I headed to my bed room but once I got there I froze when my gaze directed it self to the outside world where the vibrant shade of coal black and ghostly white skin appeared in the courtyard. Moving closer to the window for further inspection I watched with wide eyes as Gerard stood there non moving just staring out into the forest like he was waiting for something to pop out from the bushes and consume him. Backing away I directed myself out of my room and sprinted down the hallway excitement filling my senses knowing I could finally be near Gerard again with out a metal door separating us.

The cold wind nipped at my skin as I ran out of the door shoving pass Josh on the way hearing him swear at me for almost knocking him over but I didn't care because all that mattered was that Gerard was back. I rounded the corner of the courtyard seeing him continuing to stand there, arms back his side as his coal black hair fell into his eyes standing out against the ghost white skin he possessed. I never ran faster than my life but when I got one foot away from him I froze, Princeton's voice instantly attacking my mind. Gerard was different now, spending a month in solitary changed him, perhaps broke him and honestly I wasn't prepared to loose his old self but I needed to do what I needed too. Slowly padding my feet to him I stopped once again when he hummed quietly.

"G-gee?" I questioned when he slowly turned around, his eyes were dull as his lips looked pale and chapped hair was a mess falling into his eyes. His body looked smaller than I remembered since he hadn't been eating in solitary which scared me a lot. He didn't speak but instead he just stared at me like I wasn't real before looking to the side of me, eyes widen as he swallowed thickly moving his eyes back to mine .I smiled slightly before lunging at the broken boy, instantly wrapping my arms around his torso and burying my face into his neck as he hugged me tightly almost taking the breath out of my small lungs but I didn't care about breathing because I finally had him back.

We swayed slightly holding each other as I felt the need to kiss his neck softly, pressing butterfly kisses to his cold neck lovingly before he pulled back with a sadden face before cupping my jaw connecting our lips in a much needed and chaste kiss. It confused me because for a couple who isn't dating, we oddly kiss a lot but I wasn't complaining. His lips were slightly chapped against mine but still soft. I felt tears brim my eyes since I haven't seen him in a month now and it felt like everything broken was suddenly put back together. Princeton was right, something was off by a great odd because something in his eyes were gone as he just looked at me not saying any words because once again he was mute. I grabbed his face in my glove clad hands inspecting him further, his cheeks were more bony now as his under eyes were purple/black with veins visible from no sleep, chapped lips and dull sleep deprived eyes as the hazel iris lost slight colour showing a pale gold green colour. He watched me intently before gazing off into the distant as I moved back off him letting him have his space.

"A-are you o-okay now?" I whispered as he swayed back and fourth slightly shrugging with no care about his mental health, I knew it was a stupid question to ask since the answer was clearly shown on his face. Gerard Arthur Way was not okay...well more than usual. The wind picked up and I shivered simultaneously as I rubbed my biceps, Gerard seemed unaffected of the cold before he approached me grabbing me by the bicep where he pulled me along with him into the corridors and down the hallways. I didn't protest because I was more than happy to go any where with Gerard, he continued to pull me down the white hallways passing numerous wheelchairs that weren't there this morning before he opened his door letting me in first before shutting it. 

Fear slightly bubbled in my throat because he looked murderous towards me and everything as a dark emotion glinted in his eyes but when he turned to me his face had softened before he approached me with cautious eyes then grabbing my hands softly making a little spark shot through my hands into my chest making my breath hitch slightly from the feeling. He pulled me towards his untidy bed that I've spent all my days in before dropping down into it making me fall down directly onto his chest with a thump. He stared up into the ceiling as I rested my chin on his chest watching him, this felt awfully familiar but last time this happen it was on my birthday where I never felt more loved in one night but this was different, this felt cold. Sitting up from his chest so I was straddling his hips, legs bracketed around his waist as my hands rested on his stomach to keep balance his eyes wondered to mine, keeping eye contact the whole time. 

He looked sad.

I felt so defeated from his being so quiet and I didn't like it one bit because I needed to hear his voice just once to relief some sense of worry. We kept eye contact but he never spoke nor moved, just bit his lip slowly moving to hold my waist before dropping them back onto the mattress as I could feel the warmth of his stomach through the thin material of his shirt. Where my hands where they were above his belly button meaning I could feel every pointy rib he possessed and the thought of him loosing that much weight in such little time made me feel sick. 

"Talk to me!" I begged in a whiny childish voice feeling tears brim my eyes as I pleaded the male beneath me. He sighed tiredly before sitting up from the mattress keeping me in his lap as he wrapped his arms around my waist to keep me still.

He was avoiding my eyes but I was quick to grab his face making me look at me. 

"Please?" My voice broke at the end but no avail.

Shaking my head I felt the need to be the one to give the forehead kisses because in the situation Gerard was the lost and broken one, in this situation Gerard was the one who needed to be held. I kissed his cold forehead as he leaned into me sighing audibly.

"It's okay" I whispered softly giving up before kissing him gently feeling him kiss back softly but I could tell something was stopping him,He leaned into my chest burying his face in mine well his hoodie as I rested my chin upon his matted and messy hair fighting the tears of sadness back not wanting him to see me cry.  
I had given up tonight of making him talk, he looked frighten so I didn’t want to push him because I might as go to the length in saying that I almost love Gerard and I knew it'd take time for him to get back to normal even if that's a month even a year I wouldn't leave his side once. 

I had awoken that same night to intense twitching beside me. Opening my eyes slightly Gerard's body was twitching slightly like pin were poking at his skin as his eyebrows were furrowed. He rolled over and curled into a ball away from me as he mumbled stuff in his sleep, sitting up I turned to watch him in a non creepy way as he continued to mumble and twitch. Reaching over I grabbed his bicep turning him over while laying back down allowing him to curl up into my side in his sleep but wasn't long before his sad hazel eyes had opened and stared straight at me with a sad and fused look. 

"Hey" I whispered watching as he looked up to me like a child that was frightened by the boogie man under the bed. He just stared at me with wide frightened eyes and it got to the point where it started to freak me out but I remained calm and brushed the hair out of eyes. He made a small noise in his throat before he detached him self from me and got up from the bed heading out the door leaving me alone in his bed confused and slightly worried. Throwing the blankets off and tip toeing down the hallway be careful to not alarm any of the doctors I headed straight to the place where I knew he'd hide which is the bathroom. Closing the door behind me I could hear the water from the facet running before splashing echoed out. Rounding the corner Gerard stood at the sink with water dripping off his face with a dark look roaming over his face as he snarled to his reflection before proceeding to smash the mirror with his fist. The crash of the glass smashing into the sink below frighten me, making me squeal slightly causing him to spin around where a look of regret and horror laced his features. Blood trickled down his knuckles and arm also the broken parts left of the mirror on the wall. I stood there watching frozen in the spot as blood dripped onto the floor.

"I-I-I" He tried to speak but only the one letter came out, I rushed over to him when my mind clicked over instantly huddling his arm towards me being careful. Blood smeared over my hands giving me slight nausea but I swallowed thickly as he stared at his now slashed up arm, his face a paled even more almost deathly white. 

He leaned into me where I heard and felt him sob violently against my chest as he started falling towards the ground so I lowered us down to the floor where we leaned against the wall him sobbing into me. It was the most heart breaking sound I have ever heard since Gerard never cries but right now he sounded so broken and done with everything. I held him close to me feeling the blood from his wounds soak through the hoodie as the smell made me sick.

"Fuck Gee...why did you do that!" I hissed but not harshly. I didn't want to be angry at him so I backed him away from the mirrors and tapes over to the shower before I grabbed the hose that is attached, turning it on to cold before trying to wash the blood of but he hissed and flinched away as I saw shards of glass sticking out from the wounds. I was utterly lost as to why he'd smash the mirror but I wasn't about to ask since the next thing he smashes might be me. I couldn't help him in any way so I stripped off my hoodie and shirt, using the thing shirt to wrap around his bleeding arm to try and stop the wound before slipping the hoodie back on. He didn't protest when I tugged him over to the bathroom door and leaded him down the hallway over to where Princeton's office was.Knocking on the door hearing her yell for us to come in her face paled seeing the white shirt wrapped around Gerard's arm soaked with his blood as his face was deathly pale. 

She immediately pulled us into the clinic where she attended to his wounds, he squeezed my hand tightly as she picked the glass out from his flesh but didn't utter a single word nor noise, just stared into outer space until she was finished.

Princeton stood in front of him eyeing him but he never met eye contact, she even threw me a confused glanced but I shrugged just as confused as her. 

"Gerard why did you do it?"

Shrug

"Gerard please" He lazily motioned for a note pad, pulling out one from her coat pocket and scribbled four words that made my stomach churn. 

'He told me to' Princeton and I both looked at each other lost as he dropped the note pad onto the floor before standing up and leaving the clinic at a brisk pace. I didn't know what to do with him now, it was like he was a different person and I didn't like it one bit.Picking up the note pad of the floor, dusting her coat of she rubbed her temples tiredly.

"I'm taking him down to get a CT scan tomorrow but he doesn't know yet" I nodded at her statement before she continued.

"Frank will you be willingly to go with him since he only responds to you?"

"Of course" I agreed to going with Gerard. 

"I'll give you more information tomorrow, goodnight Frank"

I knew Gerard would put a fight about going to get his brain scanned so perhaps me going will ease him slightly. Princeton was scanning Gerard's head for the one thing I knew he feared.

Schizophrenia.

He had all the symptoms from the depression state to the seeing people who weren't exactly there, he mentions this man named Dmitri quiet a lot and sometimes in his sleep, claiming that he is trying to help him before mumbling that Dmitri is going to kill him.


	18. Unwanted situations

:Anguish/aŋɡwɪʃ/severe mental or physical pain or suffering:

:Nothing is ever Cut-And-Dried, theres always anguish behind everything:

 

Frank kept his eyes pinned on me the whole morning as I was getting my arm rewrapped with strong scented bandages, the smell made me feel sick as I tried to not look at the slashes up my arm but my eyes kept wondering down to them but before I knew it soft hands grabbed my face directing it else where. Following the hands I met Frank's eyes who may I say looked rather sad at this point of time. I knew all to well why he was sad it was because I refused to speak to him or anyone, I didn't want to be near anyone because I simply wanted to be ALONE! but obviously that was to much to ask for. 

I knew Frank had cried last night when we fell asleep because even though I was on the verge of loosing consciousness I still felt the warm splash of newly fallen tears on my shirt cladded chest before I fell asleep. Guilt had wrapped its self tightly around my chest but I didn't bother to clean up the emotion mess I had made because once again I had muted my self to the world since they were orders from Dmitri. Frank dropped his gaze from mine to the floor beneath as I hissed from the stings.

"Don't look" He whispered hands twitching slightly when I nodded giving him some acknowledgment. Princeton took her dairy old time wrapping my arm before letting me rest it back on my lap with an annoyed huff despite knowing she was only doing her job and it didn't help that I brought this on myself. She went off for a moment packing everything away leaving the sadden Frank and I alone in the clinic as silence surrounded us like a wet blanket, suffocating me feeling like my throat was closing up from guilt and anguish I felt towards the poor boy because even someone like I knew this wasn't fair on him but these were orders, I needed to stay silent or Dmitri would kill me. 

Swaying my legs back and fourth since they didn't touch the floor from how high up the chair was Frank stared off into space as a frown itched it's way onto his face before he shivered making me instantly worried that Dmitri had appeared but it was because the idiot wasn't wearing a hoodie. Making a mental note to go and grab him one I grabbed the sketch pad from beside my leg writing him a note. 

'Are you okay?' Eyes scanning over the note he only nodded softly changing foot to lean on. Convinced that he wasn't okay I scanned over the clinic room for traces of the man in the black cloak before standing up despite pains of tiredness I grabbed Frank by his biceps and pulled him into my chest feeling him wrap his small arms around my waist as he buried his face into my chest with a pained sigh. Frank didn't put much effort into the hug, kinda just lazily wrapped his arms around so they wouldn't fell, I know put could determine that something was diffantly wrong with him. 

I know he wanted me to speak but afraid of what would happen I couldn't let my voice slip out but on the other hand I couldn't let Frank slip away from me.

"I'm Sorry Frank" I whispered into his fluffy inky hair breaking my silence for him once again. He leaned away from my body reaching up with one hand and placed a cold finger over my lips to keep them shut shaking his head with pained eyes. 

"Shh"

"Frank I-" Cut off once again when he pushed his finger harder against my lips sealing them shut. Giving up I huffed eyeing him as he let go of my lips letting his hands drop by his side. Frank utterly confused me because one minute he's begging me to speak but when I finally do he shuts me up by controlling the movements of my lips. Dmitri was right, perhaps it was better if I let my self slip back into the mute state where nothing was vocalised and no eye contact with anyone even though I only make eye contact with Frank and Princeton and once with Dallon by accident but thats it no one else.   
Ever since I was young like ten or so I avoided eye contact as much as possible because the eyes of my father had made me fear the stares of everyone around me, feeling like one movement was going to end in violence so I detached my self from society and stopped making eye contact for personal safety although my younger brother Mikey despised it because it felt abandoned after but it was better that way, safer. 

Speaking off my younger brother the dreams continued about him but each and every ending was the same, he was shot although base line of the story was different but he was the only one to remain dead at the end. It had become so daunting that I wished that I never dreamed again like I used to because at least when I did sleep to was peaceful until nightmares rolled in. The thing that terrified me was the I don't even know if Mikey was still alive because he never came for visit on the rare occasions that my 'family' did and they never spoke about him probably because I failed to bring the subject up but he still wonders around in the back of my mind...I hope he knows that.

Princeton had shut the door making me jump back into focus as her high-heel base shoes clicked over to us as my gaze wondered down to the floor, counting every single tile we were standing one.

1 tile

2 tiles

3 tiles

"Gerard"

4 tiles

5 tiles

"Gerard"

6 tiles

"Gee!" Frank suddenly snapped when I felt a back hand connect to the back of my head making me jump away from him simultaneously going to rub my head sending Frank a cold glare which he immediately shrunk away but nudged his head to Princeton who wore an annoyed face, dam him I didn't make it to ten tiles in total but instead ended on six. Nodding in acknowledgement she sighed straightening out her navy blue pencil shirt before clearing her throat.

"Gerard I have booked you in too under go a CT scan down at the-"

"What!" I yelped harshly hearing the word CT fill my ears instantly know that it mean't a brain scan. Filthy bastards think I'm crazy don't they, I'm not so why can't any body just fucking listen to me, Dmitri knows I'm not crazy so why can't anybody else think the same. I shook my head furiously backing away from the pair, I knew Frank seemed off and now I knew why, He paired up with Princeton to get scans because he too believe that I'm crazy, Traitor! Nothing but betrayal buried it's self in my heart as he wore a expression of shame on his features avoiding my eyes. 

"Gerard we just need to check if everything is okay" Princeton tried to sooth but I still felt betrayed. Biting back the fight and arguments I had in me because 1 I had broken my silence again and 2 I just couldn't be bothered fighting anymore. For once I had given up on fighting against Princeton even though I've been doing that ever since I've been here. I know giving up so easily against her was a mistake because she's more than likely thinking that i'll always be this easy to agree with but boy is she wrong!

"Frank is willing to come with you...If that makes you more comfortable" Averting my gaze from the tiles to Frank he tried to smile but it came out broken and crooked so he only gave me a pleading look with those wide hazel eyes that made me go soft on the inside. Something about Princeton's words made a twinge of happiness ignite within me because I knew around Frank I was going to be okay despite the cold feeling that everything was going to break around me. Hesitantly I nodded seeing her smile with out making eye contact before she muttered a 'great' before going to get the car we were taking ready. 

Frank grabbed my arm and propelled me to the door but I dug my heels into the ground to prevent me from moving. Frank jolted backwards from my sudden stop turning around with a confused expression before raising an eyebrow. 

"Gee?" Frank whispered quietly as I searched the ground with furrowed eyebrows, I wasn't exactly sure as to what I was searching for but the need of needing to find the answer to something swarmed my mind making everything fuzzy for a split second. The floor was dimming rapidly where the usually cold breeze over ride my body making my senses heightened when I looked up seeing Dmitri standing by the open door with a smirk, gulping nervously Frank stepped to me before cupping my face in his now ice cold hands forcing my too look at him, Dmitri growled as I moved my attention from him to Frank he stood there patiently until I payed attention so when I did he very lightly pressed a feather kiss to my lips. Knowing Dmitri was literally going to kill me since he moved from the door frame to stand directly behind Frank I parted from him watching his facial expression sadden making guilt lace in my chest so sighing in content I leaned back in and kissed his nose softly watching red dust his cheeks as he tried not to smile but failed as the corner of his lips twitched. 

Sensing that Princeton was about to come back at any moment I interlaced our fingers feeling Dmitri stab daggers into me, I propelled us out of the door and into the hallway where Princeton was walking but stopped when seeing us make our way. 

The trip was deafening silent as no one muttered a word, Princeton had eyes on the road as Frank and I were situated in the back. The seats were cold leather so Frank slipped and skidded around since the seat belt was way to big for his waist so it didn't keep him strapped down which made me giggle on the inside, knowing he was getting fed up with having to grip the door to keep his balance on the seat I slid a hand behind his back and gripped his waist gently pressing myself against his side so if he went to slid around he'd press into me instead of moving. He seemed okay since the response I got from him was a hum while pressing himself closer into me exchanging body warmth. Princeton's eyes wondered up to the revision mirror as I smiled for once meeting her eyes she smiled but wasn't long before she went back to the road as I looked out the window watching the array of forest tree's blur pass the swift car.

The forest that surrounded the side of the highway made flash backs of my child hood jab back into my mind making me zone out of reality. When I was a kid I used to run from the house when ever father was angry or upset with his deals or family, I'd run so fast that my breath would loose it's self making me so dizzy and lightheaded that I felt like I was floating up to the clouds where nothing would hurt me. The forest was like a safety zone or blanket for me because no other sounds beside my own would surround me making me feel at ease for the time being, believe it or not but the forest was also where my mother and I would play together when I was little, we'd climb tree's and throw leaves at each other but the visits to our secret playground got shorter and more rare because father didn't appreciate it. Family wasn't always bad we were once a happy family but when I got older and Mikey came into the world I became more lonely since mother diverted all her attention to him leaving me out of everything, whenever I tried to talk to her she'd push me away physically and go to Mikey, now I was never jealous of my baby brother but I missed the affection so thats when I developed my imaginary friend Chase who made me feel okay like I had someone by my side but now I regret making friends that weren't there because He's back but darker.

I wasn't aware that I was holding my breath so when I finally breathed it felt like the world was being lifted of my chest painfully. A cold silky hand slipped into mine squeezing if comfortingly so adverted my gaze from the tinted window to Frank he held a expression I couldn't read quiet easily but he rubbed his thumb over the back of hand sending some sense of relief over me. I was quiet nervous going for what ever scan this was because what if they detect that I was 'crazy' with though I'm not, what will happen? Will Frank get scared or to weirded out that he'll leave me and avoid me like the plague despite him being sick himself. 

Wait I'm not sick not like Frank.

I'm not SICK!

Princeton parked the car in a facility car park when I was unaware that we were here. This was it, the end, the point where they frame me for being sick mentally. I was never going to leave the institute was I?

An unsettling feeling arose in my stomach as I was being forced down onto a metal table that was covered with a thin white sheet of fabric as I was covered with a hospital gown, the smell of the blue fabric was chemicals and disinfectant making my stomach churn. Nerves were eating at my stomach as the doctor who held a gentle smile was talking to Princeton behind the bullet proof glass, separating me in the operating room and the office. 

"What are you thinking about?" Frank whispered. He was currently standing beside me handing my hand as I laid down on the table staring up to the blinding white lights squinting slightly. I didn't want him to know my exact thoughts but he gave me a look of pleading and desperation so I laid it our flat to the poor boy.

"My funeral" I stated blandly. Quiet often I'd think about my funeral, who'd be there if any one attends or if I even have one since I seem to be not that important to people. What song would be played at my funeral if I deserve a song as they lower my into the six foot deep hole of grieving and dirt. I've imagine how the world would play out with out me and honestly it seemed better, one less patient to attend to, one less human to take off. I knew that this world would be a better place if I wasn't here and to be brutally honestly I think if us patients at the institution weren't here then perhaps maybe the world would be classified as sane.

"Oh...what about it?"

"That life would seem better with out I in it and that no one would turn up"

"Please don't say that...It wouldn't be" Frank whispered biting his lip almost like tears were on the verge of splashing out from his hazel orbs.

"Sir I'm going to need you to exit this room please and Gerard please remain still during the scan" Frank sighed sadly looking for Princeton who was sighing papers before quickly leaning down and kissing my forehead letting go of my hands then walking out of the room leaving me against the machine. The bed beneath me moved until my head was directly under the machine as the world around me darkened slightly since the lights in the room dimmed. Loud clicking noises made me jump slightly before the doctors words about staying still nipped at me making me instantly freezing wanting very much to sit up and run from the room and take Frank with me but I couldn't.My arm stung slightly from moving it so much before but I couldn't hold it to baby it since I had to stay absolutely still. 

The machine started spinning violently above my head as loud banging noises echoed through the room making me nervous. The noises got more and more deafening and sickening after a while making my breathing hitch and eyes twitch side to side violently as I felt a panic attack starting to rise up from my chest and throat. My breaths came out shallow and short taking in too much air but not letting all of it out, I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and scrunched my face up as I felt a migraine crawling up my spine into my brain making me feel dizzy while watching the machine spin and spin like a carousel but in reverse. 

My fingers managed to grip the sheet beneath me tightly into my fist feeling the cuts under the bandage split back open but it didn't faze me as did the madness going up in my head. 

Soon the machine did finally come to a stop as I felt my breathing clam slightly knowing it was over, the bed slid out from the machine but I didn't make any effort to move since it felt like the machine not only scanned my brain but drained all of my energy like some sick magic trick. The doctor came in handing me back my shirt as Frank snuck in behind her but she only smiled at him as I changed.

"You did good"Frank smiled but I didn't need compliments no I needed a bucket as bail came up my throat. As soon as my shirt was over my head I shot up from the bed out of the room and threw my self at the bathroom door that was beside the office. In the bathroom I fell to the toilet letting everything out, feeling the acid burn in my throat it made my eyes water as I heard the door open foot steps approached me before a soothing hand roamed over my back instantly knowing it was Frank.  
Nothing more came up luckily leaving me to flush the toilet and rest against the wall before dragging my self to the sink where I cupped my hands under the water and swallowed it gratefully feeling the burn go away dimlyI. I also felt sick after going into the hospital for any surgeries or scan so this wasn't unusual for me, Something about this place always made me feel sick and I don't believe that watching a machine spin around was helping my current state.

"You okay Gee?" I shot him a glare to his question but he didn't seem fazed instead he only hugged me and before I knew it we were already heading back out into the car for another forty five minutes and twelve point two seconds of driving.

***

Princeton had told me that we get the results back in three or so days since the scan was a few days ago and honestly I didn't want to the scan results because I already knew I was fine...right?

Frank had convinced Princeton to let him rewrapped my arm since she kept accidentally being to rough making me wince in pain so she reluctantly let him do as he just finished it. I mean yeah even it hurt when he was doing it but he'd quickly kiss me like he was being protective so I didn't really focus on the pain but instead of his lips that gave me quick pecks every minute of the journey. 

Frank was currently now showering since he hadn't had one in like two days and I basically forced him to clean himself by saying that I won't stay with him tonight in his room which made him instantly run to the bathroom such a baby.I knew something had been off about the broken boy what I had just recently discovered like thirty two seconds ago made me sigh in disappointment and shock. So I couldn't be bothered going to my room for my hoodie since I was cold so I figured I'd fetch mine out of his draws

When I dug around under his clothes checking for my black hoodie numerous of pink pills were sprawled out underneath the clothes grinding against the wooden bass of the draw. I knew for a instant these were his fucking medication he needs to be taking meaning he's been skipping them more than likely using the trick I used to use which was tucking them under my tongue since they never check under there weirdly but I needed them to now since he was spitting them out. Fuck this is why he's been off, its because the voices were attacking him again as were the hallucinations FUCK. Ravaging through his draw further I suddenly grasped something fabric was hard kind of like rope, Furrowing my eyebrows I pulled the item out when my breath left my lungs as I dropped it at my feet stepping back.

A noose made from what fucking pillow covers laid at my feet.

A fucking noose.

My heart clench as the thoughts swarmed my head. He wanted to kill him self, not taking medication was one thing but planing and working on suicide was a all other subject. The thought of Frank hanging from the roof filled my mind as I felt tears brim my eyes from the sudden immense pain of sadness that filled my senses. I didn't want to walk into his room one day and see his lifeless body hanging from the roof as his skin went pale and ice cold knowing I'd never kiss him, hold him or never ever see those beautiful hazel orbs known as his eyes again because he couldn't fight any more.

I couldn't shake image of his lifeless body from my head making me loose my breath but when the door opened up from behind me I spun around seeing Frank waltz in drying his hair with a small petit smile but only if he knew that it was about to wiped away. Dropping the towl from his hair we looked up with a smile before his face paled when he saw what laid at my feet, instantly freezing his mouth dropped open as his words were lodged in his throat trust me when I say I knew the feeling a little to much. 

"You wanted to kill y-yourself?" I brokenly whispered feeling a tear slip from my eye which was are since I've never cried over someone before, not even my family but Frank was different from everybody else because if Frank had given up on anything I'd never stop crying. Frank only backed away and pressed himself against the wall like I wanted to hurt him which was the way opposite of my plans. 

"I didn't w-want t-to be with out y-you" He whimpered his wet hair falling over his frightened eyes. Bending down and picking the death tool up I untwisted the sheet until it fell loosely against my hand before shoving the make shift noose into his draw wanting to forgot about it but I couldn't since now I had made Frank cry which made me cry. Padding my feet over to him I grabbed him and pulled him down as I sat against the wall on the bed letting him sit in my lap legs bracketed around my waist as sobs escaped his pinks lips, body shaking from fear and sadness. 

"Don't cry Frankie" I whispered wiping my tears before cupping his face using my thumbs to swipe his tears away from his cold cheeks despite him just having a shower. he hiccuped not stopping the sobs which were painful. I didn't want him to be sad, scared nor frighten, I just wanted him to smile even if its a broken one and to be happy even if its fake for the sake of being happy. He lifted his hands and dug the heel of his palm into his eyes still sobbing.

"I'm s-s-sorry G-gee" He cried making my eyes water all over again but I simply wrapped my arms around his waist pulling him closer to me, letting him know that he was going to be okay and that I wasn't angry at him just sad.

"W-why?"

"I-I thought y-you d-died a-and" He paused briefly wiping his nose with his sleeves hiccuping.

"A-and I didn't w-want to b-be alone...a-again" His hazel eyes were now glossed over and red as were his cheeks plus under eyes were red and puffy as he continued to rub them raw with his sleeve which was exactly the softest fabric. I knew Frank feared people but I had also learned that Frank also feared being alone, he feared the dark and whats in it as he feared the voices that follow within it.

"You're not alone okay, I'm here and I'm not going to leave you because..." I stopped when I was close to saying that I love you but I wasn't even sure what love is but all I know is that I'll always be there for Frank, to protect him, kiss him, hold him, rock him to sleep because a boy that is as broken as him deserves that in life. 

"You need to take your medication Frankie and yeah I know about the pills, I've used to the tongue trick before" I spoke seeing him shake his head, grabbing his hands from his eyes as more tears fell I placed butterfly kisses under his eyes where they swelled from the crying and rough rubbing of the fabric of his sleeves. He whined from the skin being sensitive but non other the least finally found my eyes.

"It's going to be okay, I'll get the scans back, you'll take your medication and we'll...we'll be fine I promise okay?" I tried to persuade him but even I wasn't persuade by my words because in all honestly I don't even think we'll be okay because NOTHING ever was. He nodded shutting his eyes breathing deeply, knowing he needs sleep I let my body slide from the wall down onto the mattress as he managed to land on my chest as usual. Pulling the blankets up and over our bodies he nuzzled his face into my neck before I felt him kiss at the skin softly making the hairs on my body stand up from the sensation. He didn't seem to stop but in all honestly it felt nice feeling his soft lips place warm lingering kissing along my skin so I made no attempt to stop him. Weird how Frank can go from crying and sobbing harshly in a vulnerable state to a lust filled teenager...wait he's 18 now which makes him a legal adult. Could those be signs of bi-poler, god I hope not.

I gripped his waist firmly despite the pain in my wounded arm as he kissed along my neck more but eventually the kissing turned into sucking harshly at the skin making me wonder as to why he was doing that. I had never kissed anyone before Frank let along done anything else so what ever he was doing was new to me. As minutes progressed he stopped propping himself up on his hands to look down at me but it was hard to focus since my mind was slightly dazed from the neck kisses. He looked down to me with a soft smile before kissing me on the lips gently this time soon parting again.

"Okay" He whispered answering my question from before then proceeding to lay himself back down on my chest face back into the warmth of my neck but he didn't kiss there this time instead all I could feel was the warmth of his shallow breathing against my skin as I felt the slightly fast but soft thump of his heart beats against my chest. I knew things weren't going to be perfect nor fine but perhaps I could fix him even if that means Dmitri breaking me later.


	19. Angels and phenomenon

:Psychotherapist/sʌɪkəʊˈθɛrəpɪst/a person who treats mental disorders by psychological rather than medical means:

:I don't know what a psychotherapy does and I've been seeing the same person for 26 years now:

 

*December 12th

Well if theres one thing I'm certain for its that Princeton was an extreme expert of procrastination. I had been sitting in this cold leather seat for ten minutes now, eyes focused to the outside world on the other side of the window as words fell effortlessly from her red lip-stick coated lips but non of it seem it stick in my mind, only going through one ear and out the other. Princeton believed that keeping me waiting for thirty two minutes and fourteen seconds while she blabbered on about nonsense that I was not going to get restless, tapping my fingers on the arm rest of the chair watching the brown gold leaves pad against the window as did the cold crisp rain drops, I really just wished she'd shut her mouth already tempted to let her poison me with pills because currently I was a wreck since sleep as slipped away from me once again despite having Frank by my side, Insomnia comes in different episodes, leaving for months then back on for another round of painful sleepless nights.  
I had been unaware of what she was on about but soon was very aware when it only took one single word to catch my attention but not my eyes, never my tired eyes.

"Schizophrenia" Looking from the window letting her catch my just this once she had taken her glasses off letting her mascara coated eyes roamed over mine before sighing softly.

"Gerard are you listening?" No not really.

Princeton stood up turning to the blinds letting them fall shut before turning on the white light on the wall where she proceed to grab two sheets of of x-ray images attaching them to the light before letting the light escape through the sheet showing two pictures of what I assumed was a human brain. God they are ugly and it's almost hard to believe that one is in my skull right now letting me think, breath and controlling my heart beat. Brains had always been a weird thing for me to think about, just think about how are literally what allows us to live besides that beating thing in your chest know as the heart but the brain literally controls everything. Sometimes I'm convinced that some people here don't have one since their thoughts and actions are pitiless and completely idiotic but they would be simply dead with out one.

Princeton cleared her throat, adverting my gaze she looked at the scans before giving me a saddened sigh.

"Gerard you have schizophrenia" Princeton stated getting straight to the point. I kind of just watch the scans with wide eyes mouth dropped slightly before shaking my head, I couldn't have schizophrenia, I wasn't sick, I wasn't SICK! I'm fine I'm fine. These probably aren't even my scans they must of mixed it up with someone else because I'm fine!

"This was when you were first emitted here" She pointed to the left side then to the right scan.

"This is you now" The second picture on the right had a lot more darker spots and blodges spread over my apparent brain. Gazing off to the wall comprehending everything Princeton switched off the screen light taking her seat at the desk before shifting papers around keeping quiet for the time being which was when I felt the coldness sneaking up on my back making me clench the arm rest tightly making my knuckles go white.

"We can live with this, we have medications okay, this is just a thing Gerard" Princeton said sliding her glasses up the bridge of her nose clasping her hands together on the wood of her desk. I'm sorry 'we'? excuse miss but I don't believe you're the one being fed lies by hand like a fucking toddler, you're not the one having to believe the filthy untruthful information about your apparently screwed up head so 'we' is wrong its I and only I because I'm the patient and you're the scary doctor to fear when we sleep, fear that you'll inject us with what ever drug through a filthy needle as you please. 

"Gerard whats on your neck?" My gaze snapped from the wall to Princeton remembering the vibrant bruise Frank had left on my neck from when he decided to start kissing it which I had no idea as to why he thought that was a good idea. Hickey is what I believe its called and he decided to give me one right where Princeton could fucking see it and it didn't fade over time not yet anyway.

'A bruise' I wrote watching her eyes roam over the page before quirking an eyebrow up.

"From?"

Shrug not giving in to what she wants, she didn't need to know what every mark on my fucking body was from. It wasn't really until five minutes of sitting in silence when her words from before really kicked in. I was now classified as a schizophrenic but I was fine, not sick, I was only emitted in here for fucking apparent drug abuse, depression and according to them paranoia not fucking schizophrenia, I didn't hear voices nor see people only Dmitri but everyone can fucking seem him, not my fault they are blind to the obvious man in black standing behind or beside them or so deaf to hear his fucking daunting voice so its not my fault and I'm not fucking CRAZY. Frank was the crazy one here! But as soon as I thought that guilt dived into my gut, every time I get bad news about being crazy I instantly say I'm not Frank and thats really quiet rude towards the poor boy. 

The room felt like it was closing in on me as I shut my eyes tightly and avoided the world as I tried to enclose my self. I didn't want to be here no more, didn't want new medication nor new responses from doctors when they hear the great fucking news that I'm now a bloody schizophrenic, people throw pity at you like its a flock of seagulls and you give them a chip.Who knows maybe the medication they set me up on will finally poison me like they've been trying to do for years and maybe just maybe they find the right one that'll do the job and leave me curled up on the floor dying like a dying spider who spends its last final seconds staring up to the sky as it finally gives away. New medication wasn't going to fix anything because despite how much pills I chug or how many times I get injected with filthy needles I will never be fixed, once you are broken in the head theres no being fixed because unlike the norms, us here didn't deserve a normal life. Maybe now I should wonder around wearing a foil tin hat on my head to stop the aliens from getting inside my head or maybe keep the government and Princeton out of my head but perhaps it'll keep Dmitri out also. A man in here that died a year or so ago named Andy I think had killed himself saying that the assassins were coming that night to murder him and everyone here, crazy of course but he used to roam around with a tin foil hat on to keep him safe. 

Princeton's office door opened up revealing the man in the white coat that I did not want to see. Valentin slinked his way into the room holding a sadistic smile before dumping paper work onto her desk, giving a pissed off glare to me because of Valentin she waved me off explaining that we'll talk later on at support group that was being held since it was Friday but Valentin gripped my shoulder and stopped me. My eyes widen as instant fear of my father grabbing me by the shoulder ran through my eyes making my throat close up, I ripped my self from Valentin's hand I hugged my body shuffling away from the man pressing my self up against the wall. 

No no no please not again!

"No!" I yelped closing my eyes as I hugged my body. Princeton shot up from her desk and over to me keeping a safe distance as I started to loose everything sane about me. Nothing was the horrid memories of my father beating my almost lifeless body on the floor taunted me, it was like I could feel all the kicks and punches being propelled into my stomach making my breathing stop as I visibly shook. Valentin wore a face of confusion as Princeton tried to approach me but I shook my head not wanting to be hurt again. 

"Im sorry!" I yelled keeping my self tucked away from the man thinking it was my father but I felt Princeton grab my arms trying to speak to me but I blocked her out thinking and re-watching the memories play out before my very widen eyes. 

"You can't grab him like that!" Princeton shouted to Valentin who did nothing but mumble out rushed words. Trauma had been a touchy subject that Princeton had tried to talk to me about, saying that things such as grabbing me, bringing up certain subject or looking at images could literally send me into a catatonic state meaning I don't speak or move hell I probably don't even fucking blink but I never believed her because she kept me 'safe' from that stuff. Princeton tried once again to touch my shoulder but I flinched away hugging my body tighter because my father used to try to grab my shoulders to make me stand when he'd beat me down in front of my baby brother who had to watch. 

"Fuck Call Josh in" Princeton order Valentin who nodded exiting the office at a brisk pace. I knew Princeton was trying to talk to me, I could hear her saying my name but couldn't focus on anything else only the other voice that suddenly appeared, it wasn't Dmitri since I didn't feel any coldness no this was a deeper voice than Dmitri's.

It was my fathers.

Nothing but mummers of harsh words whispered into my ear making me shiver from the sensation, I could literally hear my fathers voice yelling at me, its official I have gone crazy. 

"Whats wrong with him?" Josh finally arrived.

"Catatonic arrest...I think" Princeton grabbed an object from Josh's hand bending down to my level as I was curled up against the wall legs to my chest trying to hide my self from my father. I know he is here, out side the room looking at me through the window waiting for them to be gone so him and his brother could grab me again.I knew he was waiting to kill me because unlike last time, he'll succeed in here. No one could stop my father not even Princeton because my father was a monster as was his brother. 

"Gee?" 

"Frank you can't be in here"

"But-"

"Frank out!"Princeton yelled at Frank. 

"Josh get him out" Josh rose up stepping to Frank but he was too slow and Frank darted through the office and behind the desk so he wouldn't be caught giving me weary eyes as I watched him. Looking behind Frank out the window my father stood as his brother was behind him both giving me crazed looks as vicious as a pack of wolves. Gulping thickly know they will get me I pushed Princeton away from me but Josh gave up on Frank and settled down in front of me not letting me move. I pointed to the window watching them turn there heads to stare where I was staring.

"His here...Oh god his here!" I freaked out knowing he was going to hurt me again. I pressed my self against the wall harder and harder surprised that I didn't break the fucking plaster as my feet now starting slipping against the floor as I couldn't go back any further keeping me trapped and venerable for my father to attack.

"Gerard no ones here"

"D-dad"

"Gerard his not going to hurt you" LIES

Frank had aimlessly wondered over to stand beside Princeton who gave him a agitated look but my focus remained on the window which was suddenly empty as my father disappeared which mean't his either gone or already in the building. Oh god he's in the building waiting for the perfect moment, Princeton can't save me now neither could Dmitri who hadn't made them self visible to me for the pass week. I now needed him to keep me safe because this was the first moment I truly understood who he was protecting me from, it was from my father.

Someone had grabbed my arm and pushed my sleeve up but I didn't bother fighting when the sharp sting of the hollow end of the needle pierced my skin which made my stomach churn. I could feel the crisp cold liquid rushing through my veins. Minutes later I felt my breathing regulate back to normal as the cold sweat I was gaining had slowly faded away as did the shaking and goosebumps. Shutting my eyes I let my head fall forwards resting on my knees that were tucked up into my chest. A small body had sat down beside me and wrapped there delicate arms around my waist as something rested against my shoulder.

Frank

"He won't ever hurt you again Gerard" Princeton whispered stroking my head softly in a calming matter before telling us that they'll let us be for a moment. My heart beat was still racing, thumping harshly against my chest which made my breathing jump time to time, I didn't want to look up fearing he was still there because one second of eye contact could be brutal but wasn't long when soft fingers directed them self under my chin forcing me to turn my head. Never once opening my eyes I felt him place his lips on my forehead. 

"You're okay" Opening my eyes cautiously as he whispered,Frank looked at me before hugging my head to his chest in a protective manner. We sat silently against the wall of Princeton's office has he held me close warming my frozen body. Frank's steady heartbeat unlike my own, slowly made my senses calm down as the tingles of fear and fright slowly faded away from my spine making it easier to comprehend what was going on. Princeton never believed me when I spoke badly about Valentin but I guess now it goes to show that he was best not to have around, messing my medications up and poisoning me was one thing but this was a whole new level of assassination. I knew Valentin was trying to kill me because this was one of many acts. 

 

The following weekend Frank nor I barely spoke another word after the incident but he still kept close during lunch despite me not wanting to eat anything as my stomach still churn I was still forced to attend and sit watching Frank slowly devour his food like hadn't eaten before, it amazed me how much he managed to eat because not only did he finish his tray but mine too making me wonder how someone with such a little body could fit all of that in him. Everything was being piled onto me at once, Frank's plans for suicide, my arm, being diagnosed with schizophrenia and now the complete ambush of my father being somewhere in this disgusting building waiting. It became quiet obvious over the thirty minutes we spent sitting at the table while Frank ate quietly questions were rattling along in his brain, he wanted answers to them that only I could answer, its weird I knew it but thing again everything about me is weird isn't it.

No one brought up the incident of my breakdown from flashbacks of my father or the idea of him lurking around and Valentin was forced to apologise for causing me to slip into a catatonic episode or he'd be fired but I wished Princeton fired him because something was diffantly off. I still hadn't wrapped the idea of me being diagnosed with schizophrenia because I was fine but clearly wasn't argh I'm to tired for this

"Just ask already" I spoke sternly watching him drop the spoon into the bowl of soup he was sipping letting some splash from the sides onto the table. He looked like a fish out of water as his mouth gaped open but soon found his small voice.

"W-why would he hurt you?" 

"Because he's a monster" I sneered clenching my fist under the table as my jaw tighten letting slightly tingles of pain shoot through my gums from my teeth pushing against one another but didn't stop me.

"What has he done" I finally snapped not wanting to talk about my father, scooting my chair back from the table standing up on my boot clad feet. I couldn't tell him, he'd fear everything after. My father wasn't a good man, never was and never will be. Frank would be better off not knowing the things him and his filthy brother had done to me, life would be better off with out the information that I held captive in my mind only allowing me to know it. Hell my own mother didn't even know but I wasn't about to let her because even though I hate her with every ounce of my soul I still wanted to protect her from the truth about her husband because she loves him and I wasn't willing to end that for her. 

Leaving the table I let my head turn around once more to answer his question.

"What hasn't he done"

 

There is a man currently standing in the library staring at the wall mumbling words to himself that I couldn't comprehend on what they were. Something about angels coming for him or something like that but what intrigued me was what he was holding well crafting in his hands while not looking at it. He held foil, shaping it into a cone before he looked at it smiling widely then proceeded to place it upon his blonde hair. Wasn't I just talking about foil tin hats like what two days ago, I didn't even believe in that shit but he seems pretty happy with the idea that it was going to protect him from the aliens so who was I to destroy the mans happiness.

"Did you want one?" The man spoke up as I was unaware that I was staring as he was holding up a roll of shiny foil making me wonder how he even got his hands on that.

'Oh no thank you' I wrote instead of speaking. I had never seen this man around here before since I knew what everyone here looked like I could tell he must be new.

'You new?'

"Transferred actually they came to me down there"

'They?'

"The angels"

'oh' I scribbled everything out just to write a two letter word because I was stumbled on what to write for that. Angels. So thinks man thinks angels are speaking to him thats just...great another crazy to add to this place. The mans blue eyes roamed up to the ceiling with an intent face eyes flickering over every tile before nodding mumbling a few words again. 

"I'm Bob Bryar by the way"

'Gerard Way' He looked at the note before smiling to himself.

"Gerard Way, unusual last name" I shrugged as he laughed to himself before fixing the hat upon his head keeping it steady.

"Bob you coming?" Another voice yelled out from the door, turning to look a man with rather curly long hair that stood beside Dallon who looked more lively than the pass months. Bob nodded starting to walk away when he turned back to me with a delusional smile.

"Care to join?" I wasn't sure where they were going but I agreed anyway following the trio out down the hallways until we had reached out side where the sun was rather bright making me squint from being blinded all of a sudden. The group walked over to where the flower garden that was surrounded by a concrete shield laid, giving them a perfect ledge to sit on. Bob instantly started picking at the flowers as did the fuzzy haired man while Dallon gazed off to the forest leaving me to stand awkwardly before Dallon shifted over allowing me to sit beside him. I felt slightly uncomfortable since I only usually hang with one person at a time or the feeling of social trauma climbs back into my mind because I had never done well with so many people near me so it made it hard but I managed over the minutes that passed. 

"Whose this?" The fuzzy haired man asked.

"Gerard Way, Gerard Way this is Ray Toro" Bob smiled showing his white teeth fixing his alien proof hat once again. So the fuzzy haired man had a name, Ray oddly suited him. I noticed that Bob fancied using people last names, he sounded formal and polite like he should belong back in the 1930's where his formal presences would be more appreciated than here where no one was polite nor nice to anyone because as time passed on society learned to turn its self into a vicious monster and taught people to show their rough sides to remain protected. Ray nodded with a smile before tilting his head at me with a unreadable expression.

"Why you in here?" Ray asked with no shame of wanting to peak into a strangers life story.

'why you asking?'

"Curiousity"

'Didn't curiosity kill the cat?' Dallon laughed reading my sign which made me jump from surprise since I've never heard him laugh before, in all honestly Dallon had a beautiful laugh and it was a laugh that should be heard all around the world because it's make other people happy so hearing it today made me slightly happy. 

"Yeah but satisfaction brought it back" Ray smiled with triumph making me groan before scribbling everything that was clearly wrong with me.

'Alcohol and drug abuse, Depression, paranoia, extreme insomnia with now a new sign of schizophrenia' I held up the sign watching as they kind of blinked as their jaws drop. Reading over the sign my self it just showed that perhaps they were right all along I really was sick and I had been lying to my self the whole time believing I was fine when really I wasn't. When was first dragged here by teeth it was only for the abuse but soon it followed with depression then insomnia tagged along which of course came with paranoia, the dreams and a side of taunting flashbacks. My mother didn't agree with me coming here because she thought I was being a moody teenager but doctors informed her that things were worse than she could see but at first I didn't see it the way they did until now. 

"Oh well I'm only here for schizophrenia but they don't see the gift's we have" Bob smiled 

"Gifts?" Dallon questioned.

"We can hear angels and people that on one else can see...it's truly a gift" Bob tried but I only shook my head in disapproving of his statement. Hearing and seeing angels or people was not a fucking gift, it was a curse, seeing people that aren't there that taunt you and hurt you wasn't special, it was deathly and I'd give up anything to not have it because just for once I wanted to be normal. Tyler exited the corridors eyes scanning the courtyard until he met my eyes soon walking slowly over, when he fianlly arrived Bob jumped up and introduced him self and asked if he wanted a foil hat which Tyler politely dejectedly with a fake smile before talking quietly to Dallon when he spoke up to me.

"Hey Gerard um Frank was asking for you" Tyler whispered softly like he wasn't allowed to speak any louder than a whisper or his imaginary enemy Blurry would hurt him.

'What did he say?'

"uhm what did he say..."He whispered to himself.

"Oh he said "tell him I say sorry" does that mean anything?" I shrug to his question as he continued to speak with Dallon, I stared out to the forest wondering as to why Frank would need to apologise when I was the one to walk out from lunch leaving him alone.

 

Bob and Ray decided to slide in beside me at the table I was eating at for dinner which didn't contain Frank at the moment making me wonder where he had wondered off to. Not wanting to be rude because that wasn't me intention well completely, I very much wanted to push them off the seat because I enjoyed being alone but not wanting to be the asshole I squared my jaw as they continued to eat and exchange in conversation that I couldn't help but over hear. So what I gathered was Bob and Ray were transferred from their old institution to believing that Angels and devils were about to attack them in their very on dorm rooms, so Princeton had worked her butt off to get them into her own facility having worked with them before. She believed that they'll be more kept after here and they too believed they'd be safer from both sides of the under world what ever that means. Bob and Ray had also been next door neighbours in their old facility meaning they were too were also neighbours here in the west wing unlike me who stayed in the east wing. 

Conversation was light hearted between the two when someone slumped down at the table in front of me. Looking up to a very distressed Frank who had ruffed up hair and red lines running along his neck looking like a vicious tiger had tried to murder him. Frank avoided my eyes but I knew very well something was up since all he did for the remaining time at dinner was play with his food, biting harshly on his bottom lip that was now red and swollen and ran his skeleton glove clad hands through his inky hair.

"Oh hey! I'm Bob Bryar" Bob piped up towards Frank making him jump out of his chair slightly which caused me to clench my fist in a protective manner seeing Frank scared but calmed down relaxing back into his chair.

"F-frank"

"Frank? ..."

"Iero" Bob nodded smiling.

"This is Ray Toro" 

"O-okay" Frank stuttered nervously not doing to good with other people, he too suffered from what they believe was social anxiety. I knew from how he started viciously nibbling at his lip that he wanted to be by himself or not near so many people so I stood up and rounded the corner to his side and sat beside him before sliding my hand under the table to hold his knee that was bouncing up and down putting pressure down on it so it'd stop bouncing. Seeing him glance at me from the corner of his eyes I reached up and clasped one of his hands in mine giving it a protective squeeze hearing him sigh slumping against my shoulder effortlessly. His food had been touched so I nudged his tray backwards him.

"Eat" I whispered quietly in his ear only for him to hear so the others didn't hear my voice.

"I'm not hungry"

"Your stomach tells me otherwise" When he had tried to convince me that he was indeed not hungry his stomach had growled vicious making his cheeks redden. He groaned before tugging the tray towards him shoving small fork full into his mouth and chewed slowly like he was trying to savour the unpleasing taste of what ever this slop was. He took notice when I was indeed not eating so deciding to take action he piled food on his fork before trying to jab it at my mouth making me flinch backwards from the oncoming attacker.

"You're not eating"

"I'm fine" 

"Gerard" He groaned out using my full name. Seeing he wasn't going to give up I rolled my tired eyes opening my mouth just a little letting him place the fork between my lips letting the food go onto my tongue. He smiled cheekily winking making me roll my eyes harder as I chewed the food swallowing it shortly. Looking away Bob and Ray just stared at me smiling before conversing again leaving me red this time.  
Frank left me alone with the food after a while knowing I didn't want any more so he finished the rest of the tray. When Dallon sat across from me I felt Frank tense up beside me when another person was added to the table. He gnawed at his bottom lip harder so I decided to take him away because even I was becoming slightly uncomfortable. Dallon nodded at my note saying goodnight as did the others but I wasn't tired neither was Frank so I took him over to the medication making sure he was to take his medication. 

The man in white handed me a cup but once again there was new pills in the cup. Eyeing the cup there was now four pills not three. Was this apart of Valentin's plan to kill me, adding another pill to the collection hoping it'd knock me off. What made me more suspicious was the three of them were blue but one was pink. Frank took his medication looking up to me with concerned eyes.

"You okay?"

"There another one"

"What you mean"

"I only take three and the new one is pink" I raised an eyebrow before Josh trotted over wearing a sly smile.

"Whats the matter? oh Gerard new medication again buddy" He glanced down the clipboard he was holding ticking off some boxes. Buddy was a name I did not want to be called by Josh so I shot him a glare before cautiously drowning the water with the medication. I had worked myself up so much that I swear I could feel the pills dissolving in my stomach.

The doors closed quietly as like many times before I led Frank through the courtyard escaping past Princeton and other doctors just so I could let Frank stare up to the star lit skies which would keep him happy for a short time being. Laying down on the grass as he'd curl up into my side my eyes wondered aimlessly up to the sky watching the glinting lights above me. Just like the moon stars had always hypnotize me, led to hours of aimless thinking leading to more unhealthy thoughts. Peeking down to the small boy beside me seeing his eyes closed breathing heavily, Frank seemed to peaceful for everything thats been happening. His ivory skin glowed under the moonlight as his long eyelashes that were as inky as his hair rested gently against his cheekbones. I never had really taken attention to his pale features so taking the time now. He had faded traces of freckles on his nose, pale pinkish lips, slender cheekbones and a soft jawline. 

"Why are you staring at me" Frank mumbled eyes fluttering up showing his hazel orbs to stay up to me.

"You're beautiful" Frank smiled at my words before hiding his face into my side underneath where my arm connects to my shoulder.Even in the pale moonlight his cheeks flamed red and as I touched them they felt rather warm, feeling triumph knowing I made him blush I rolled over to face him in the grass so he couldn't hide his redden face from me. 

"No I'm not" He whispered closing his eyes lying right to my face because I knew he hated himself and how he looked but I loved all his features, every indent on his face, every silky scar that laced his skin on his arm, ribs and thighs, to me he was perfect only wish he could see it from me eyes.

"You are to me" Scooting over in the grass I placed a chaste kiss on his lips before rolling back over onto my back glancing up to the sparkling sky. When silence filled the atmosphere sudden weight attacked my hips, staring at Frank who had straddled my waist he was looking up to the sky with a small smile that danced upon his lips. Holding his waist so he didn't fall of my hips he pointed up to the stars with a pout.

"You know I tried to count all the stars once, I only made it to three thousand and five before loosing count, tried to restart the same night but fell asleep" Frank giggled at the memory of him counting stars. I could picture Frank sitting in the grass staring up to the stars for hours counting each and every glittering dot in the sky. Interlacing our fingers together I raised our arms using my index finger to point out the pattern I spotted. 

"It's a spider" I whispered moving our hands in the direction of the abdomen before down the legs of the eight-legged creature.Frank furrowed his eyebrows squinting up to the stars for further inspection before letting a toothy grin over take his face.

"Do another" He whispered giddily jumping up and down on my hips slightly making me squirm, He was smiling a genuine smile I raised our hands once again pointing out the umbrella I found among the stars.

"Umbrella" 

"Wow" He gazed slowly dragging his gaze down to me. Nothing but genuine happiness laced his features as he smiled showing his perfect whiten teeth. I raised my body up keeping him in my lap so I could sit up from the cold grass that started to tickle my neck with every move of my head. Frank wrapped his arms around my neck as I wrapped mine around his waist keeping him close because winter wind was harshly nipping at my skin, I could feel my lips go numb from the ice cold breeze. We stared at each other saying nothing, we didn't need to say anything because nothing needed to be said since we both enjoyed the company of one another. Frank's inky hair fell down as the breeze picked up poking into his eyes, I pushed the hair away before cautiously placing my hands in the pockets of his hoodie for warmth feeling the tingle of coldness go away in my fingers.  
Frank's gentle hands cupped my jaw pulling my face closer placing his lips on mine warming them up. 

Kissing slowly I felt his teeth softly nip at my bottom lip tugging it slightly making an unfamiliar noise slip through my lips sending heat into my neck and cheeks. My lips simultaneously parted when I felt what I assumed was Frank's soft tongue explore my mouth, I awkwardly kissed back never going this far with someone before but eventually getting used to the feeling and kissing back more passionately my tongue danced along with his softly soon my hands exiting his pockets and wondered under the hem of his shirt gripping his soft skin letting the tips of my fingers dig into the flesh when he simultaneously tugged at my hair. 

Soon parting he did nothing but smile with closed eyes I rubbed my thumbs over his hips feeling the bone prod out slightly but non other the less still soft.He rested his forehead against mine you could feel his breath against my lips mingling with my own soon pressing a butterfly kiss to my nose making me go cross eyed from watching him do so. 

 

"Gee?" His voice came out small as his eyes lidded to a scared state. 

"Yes?"

"I-I think I love you" He whispered so softly that I barely caught it. My eyes widen at his words, no one has ever loved me before no one, not even my family. I couldn't allow him to love me, I am broken and have so many things wrong with me. No one could love a schizophrenic freak, a disassembled excuse for a human NO ONE! Frank can't love someone who has basically his whole life hidden away from him for protection but something about hearing his words made it seem like everything would be okay and perhaps maybe just maybe I'm in love with the boy.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry Gee I-" Frank freaked out and tried to get off my lap at a brisk pace but I kept him still grasping his waist with a death grip soon cupping his face searching his eyes for something.

"How could you love someone so broken?"

"B-because you make me feel alive...like its finally beating again" Frank whispered grabbing my hand softly taking it off his face placing my palm flat against his chest where his heart was located, feeling his heart beat faintly against his chest. The unpleasant feeling of having a heart beat but not beat in the sense of want and need, mine stop beating like that years ago because over time I had learn that no one here or any where would love me because I'm a sick and unlovable. 

"You make me feel that maybe just maybe I could learn to love again with out fearing it everyday" Frank spoke but stopping when he accidentally brought his pass up, knowing it was a rather difficult subject I didn't push it but instead gave him a broken smile.

"Frank I'm literally a schizophrenic nutcase now, how the fuck is that loveable?"

"Because I'm one also"

"I love you too"


	20. The expected unexpected

:Derangement/de·rang·es./To disturb the order, arrangement, or functioning of: an asteroid impact large enough to derange the climate:

:Art is the reasoned derangement of the senses:

 

"Can't you see it Ray it's a sign!"

"Bob the answer to your dilemma is not in that leaf okay" 

"We'll see"

Bob and Ray are currently working on whether the leaf that is currently possessed by the blonde man has a secret message that holds to key to the answer he has been searching for, utter nonsense if you ask me but Bob seems pretty stuck up on the idea that finally his question has been answered by the lord,what ever that question is only makes the doctors suspicion about him being crazy even more correct. I didn't understand why a leaf from the now damp earth from the rain would hold a key to what ever he's been searching for, nothing comes that easy and if it did it'd be a little sus don't you think. Standing up from the only dry spot on the grass I walked over to them when they turned and showed the leaf close to my face ordering my to look at it but couldn't see what they were looking for.

"Gerard Way can you see it?" Bob asked with hope glittering in his eyes. The bloke looked like he'd plea for a good answer so knowing I'd get in trouble I nodded with a fake pitiful smile seeing Bob shove Ray out of the way before taking off holding the leaf above his head as the tin foil hat fell over his eyes slightly but non other the less he kept running.

"You didn't see anything did you?"

'No' Ray shook his with utter disappointment mixed with an emotion of amusement. I knew it was utterly wrong to give a schizophrenic false hope to their dreams but when it comes to the actual situation nothing but pity swarms your mind making you say and do the unthinkable. Bob believed that angels were sending him messages telepathically, he also believed that the government was the enemy and that aliens would probe his brain for information that he did indeed not know. Seems to me that perhaps Bob was in need of extremely powerful medication because there was no way I was that type of patient and yet I'm now on powerful meds. Just the other morning Bob believed his saw the famous Jesus on the slightly burnt side of his toast, running away yelling triumph holding it up high before praying to it but that was before Josh took it off him then started eating it in front of the poor guy who broke down on his knees yelling "You ate JESUS!" Which made Frank burst out into a fit of giggles, I had to elbow him harshly in the ribs to make him stop since Bob was in a terrible state after and Frank wasn't fucking helping him. Frank wasn't very fond of the pair but had put up with them since they took a liking to sitting at my table which even I was annoyed and slightly uncomfortable with but I was too shy to tell them to fuck off so I let them stay put meaning I had to sit next to Frank at every meal so he wouldn't have a melt down from to much social interaction. 

"Why don't you speak Gerard?"

'Mute'

"I gathered that" Ray depanned from my rather bland response to his rather obvious question. I was dreading on having to scribble out the unglamorous details on why and when I became a mute well part time mute since Frank was the only person I vocalised my self to now unlike before when I started talking to Princeton in the first time in four or so years but things have changed again. Like I had said a million times mute seemed to be a better of escape then killing my self although most point of times the second options seems to be more appealing then waking up everyday but like most things I did, I stayed alive for Frank since it'd be monstrous to leave him alone and afraid. 

'Why speak utter nonsense when you can write it?'

"Uh...Good point?" Ray seemed unknowing of an answer to my witty response and decided to leave it paying more attention to the pink flower he had picked and was now plucking the vibrant rosy petals of the bud attached to a bright green stem. 

 

All the patients in facility seemed to all be packed into this one small room, yes it was lunch time but usually there was never this many people in here, there had to be atleast fifty people in here which was so fucking usual but I didn't bother to question it, the only question I wanted to ask was why the red lines were appearing on Frank's neck again and if he was okay because he stared off into space, eyes widen and face paled worse than usual like he was going to be violently sick which was what I did not want at this moment. Frank was visibly shaking and gripping the seat underneath him with pure force making his knuckles snow white. Ray gave me a confused expression with a quirked eyebrow when looking at Frank but I pushed his concern away reaching up and ran my hand through his inky hair protectively.

"What's wrong?" I whispered softly. Lips quivering his glanced to me.

"S-so many p-people in here" He choked out with a croaky face. He looked beat and I wasn't aware if he had slept last night since he wasn't in my room, he said he wanted to sleep by him self and who was I to say other wise if he wanted personal space. I felt him clutch my thigh suddenly and his grasp was rather tight making me squirm slightly since I was very sensitive. Like I've mentioned many times before Frank did not like people and right now that was very VERY clear since he glared at everyone like he was trying to set fire to them with his fire. Frank shifted letting go of my thigh and pulled his hoodie up and over his head to shield himself from everyone including me before resting his head on the table, arms surrounding his head for protection.I rubbed his back softly, doing circular patterns for five minutes before trying to eat the food but something about the food was off. 

I inspected it with fork before sending my gaze off over to the cook seeing the usual smiling women gone but instead there was a man standing behind the counter wearing an apron showing he was the cook. Wait what if he's poisoned my food oh god I knew this would happen sooner or later. It's probably writhing with rat poison or chemicals that would burn me from the inside out. Peering into my cup beside the tray the water was darkened probably from the cup it was in since it was a grey cup but what if he put radioactive particles in there for me to drink with out consideration. Is that why Frank wasn't eating because he knew it wasn't poisoned!

"Frank your mother will be in today" Josh stopped at our table ticking us off for attending poisoned lunch giving Frank news. Frank shook his head grumbling into his arms.

"No"

"Sorry bud she needs to talk to you" Josh strolled off leaving a very disgruntled Frank to peer up from his arms glaring at the back of Josh's pinked dyed head. Surprising that Josh had a job here since he had pink hair and tattoos but if anything Princeton seemed to like it maybe that's why he's kept here. Frank groaned thumping his head into his arms aimlessly before I had to physically stop him so he wouldn't slip and smack right into the table. Scooting over Frank simutamously leaned into my burying his face into my coat clad shoulders mumbling into it.

"Sorry I didn't understand a single word just then" I giggled hearing him groan louder in my shoulder.

"Can you come?"

"Where?"

"T-to visitation...I don't want to be alone with her" Frank gazed up with his hazel orbs really working those puppy eyes he possesses, as much as I wanted to deny his plea I physically couldn't say no to his face which was pouting by the way. I could tell he needed someone today since he's been nothing but whiny so I nodded pressing a quick kiss to him temple. 

 

Frank slid into a chair at a table where a women in a pencil skirt much like the one Princeton comes to work in, she smiled to her son before glancing up to me with a confused expression. Frank grabbed my hand and tugged me down into the chair beside him. The mother had a bad vibe swarming around her, her brown hair fell over her shoulders as her eyes that gleamed like Franks over viewed me, keeping her gaze on me I started to feel rather small as I started to shrink in my chair. My father used to do this to me, stare me down until I'd submit to him finally backing down, feeling visibly small under the stare. This women had the same vibe my father did, nothing but overpowering the weak and be-dam the lost.

"Frank whose this?" His mother practically spat seeing that Frank was indeed not alone. 

"M-my boyfriend" Frank's voice was small as he looked down in shame. Hurt laced my chest knowing he was ashamed to say that in front of someone, not his fault I know but I couldn't help feel hurt from his reaction to his statement. My question had been answered at least, over the weeks I was unaware of what Frank and I were but now knowing he proclaimed me as his boyfriend answered my questions. 

"Boyfriend huh? hmm really looks like this place hasn't been doing its job then"

"And what might that job be Mrs.Iero" I piped up suddenly, snapping before Frank could answer the statement with his quivering lips. Mrs.Iero's eyes shot to mine as her jaw squared, I knew I was rilling her up and I was loving that fact that the gayness between Frank and I was enough to make her angry. 

"That hopefully this place would knock some sense into Frank and realise gay was against gods way!" She snapped with cold eyes. I felt Frank's cold hand slid under the table and into mine giving it a squeeze calming me slightly from the women's stupidity. 

"What do you want mum?" Frank spoke softly changing the subject deciding to keep quiet since I had started something well technically she did but hey not my fault. 

Mrs.Iero reached over with a sigh grabbing papers from her bag before laying them out on the table for Frank to read. She nodded for him to read the, scanning his eyes over them I decided to not because it was not my business only his. I felt Frank's hand tighten his hold on mine before looking up to his mouth with widen eyes.

"T-this can't be right"

"Frank this is good news" 

"But I don't understand how though"

"I talked to Princeton and she believes that if we continue the medication at home it's safe enough for you to be released" As soon as the words left her mouth I froze feeling a painful ache in my chest. Released. No wait what! He can't be getting released I need him, I can't be left lonely again I just can't. Frank turned his head to me instantly locking eyes with mine, he looked sad but also happy that he was finally going to be released because ever since the night where him and I escaped out side for the night, I knew his wish was to be free from this place and his wish was coming true but the thing was that I was going to be left behind and that scared me. I tried to smile down to him but it come out broken and crooked but he brought it and smiled. Him and his mother continued discussing dates about being released and they settled on after New Year which was only four weeks away meaning soon he'll be gone. 

My gaze wondered off to the rain patting against the window softly as leafs flew in the wind while Frank's hand slowly detached from mine leaving my hand cold. Nothing but a strong pain ignited in my chest every time I thought about Frank leaving through the front corridors as I have to watch him disappear from the fence that keeps me locked up like an animal in a cage. He didn't even seem remotely sad about the fact that I'm not going with him and perhaps he didn't think about that but I'm hoping he doesn't because then at least it won't be as bad when saying goodbye. I knew I was never leaving this place, I was never going to discover the outside world since for the past four years these walls are the only thing I could remember and will be until the day I die. Frank was being set free to discovered what a real free life is like, living happily instead of being stuck and damed here and for that I was happy.

 

I sat aimlessly on my unmade bed listening to the sound of rain now harshly smacking against the window as I reached over to retrieve my sketching pencil before engraving another silver line into the wall, adding another day to the tallies. Another day of being crazy in this hell hole. I now couldn't persuade myself or others that I was indeed not sick because now Princeton literally has proof that I am indeed a crazy. Something that I despised becoming. It's weird how when you're a kid you think a crazy is someone who talks strangely, talks to thin air and perhaps walks like a zombie pirate but literally it feels no different. 

I feel no different and right now I'm not even sure if I can feel anything. 

Standing at my window watching the storm above our worlds atmosphere I flinched when two small arms encircled around my waist as I felt someone rest their head against my shoulder blade. Frank was nothing but happy after visitation the other day knowing he was going to be a free walking man but I was indeed not happy. It was already like he had forgotten me, the number one thing I feared from the boy I fell for. 

"Hey Gee" Frank mumbled into my shoulder blade happily.

"Hi" Frank lifted from my body and came to stand at my side, I felt his gaze burning holes into the side of my face as I kept my gaze fixated on the storm and rain.

"Hey" Frank paused making my face direct down to him using his hand.

"Whats wrong?" His eyes searched for mine but I did my best to avoid them since nothing but pain would escape from me. I didn't want to act childish and whine but it seemed to be a natural response to the current situation. 

"Nothings wrong Frankie" I lied seeing him smile easily persuaded before elevating him self to kiss me passionately. I hated lying because EVERYTHING was so fucking wrong now. Nothing was going to get better for me was it because why would it. I was someone who didn't deserve happiness that others receive. 

Frank stumbled over to my bed and dropped him self down snuggling into the blanket as I stared out the window once again before hearing his small petit voice pipe up from the mountain of blankets.

"Hold me?"

Smiling from his question I moved and slid under the blanket grabbing him by the waist and pulled him close so his body pressed against mine but he kept squirming around making me groan when suddenly he flipped me around making me land on him with a oomph. I was literally on top of him now and fearing I was crushing the poor boy to death I propped my self up on my elbows staring down to him as he held a cheeky grin. 

"Hi" He giggled before bringing my neck down to kiss him. After making out for five minutes pulling away with now swollen lips I went to move off him but he tugged me down so I laid on his chest as he hugged my torso, limbs getting tangled together. Usually Frank was the one to lay on me but I wasn't complaining since his heart beat that I could hear faintly was sending me to sleep slowly, I had to savour these moments because in an instant he'll be gone leaving me with the memories. 

***

Killing of a few minutes since support group had just started I bent down in front of the doors slowly tying up my combat boots laces making sure to get the double knots perfect before moving onto the other boot hoping to miss a few minutes. Support group repulsed me since It mean't dealing with crazies and listening to their stupid ranting stories of when they were emitted, first symptoms blah blah blah nonsense to me really. 

Sliding into the chair beside Frank as Princeton was going around the group for speakers to talk about their problems. Hearing peoples problems really did not make any of my own sound any better neither did it make my self feel better because no matter how many people may have it worse than you, your problems are your's and really they still suck very badly. 

The last therapy group session I had a slightly battle against Billie who did nothing but shame my mute, he's not here anymore after my brutal attack on the boy he had been transferred for causing more trouble than usual thank god because I couldn't handle that kid any more. I believe that this place had grown rather quieter since the bastard had left and seemed a lot more friendly since they weren't here to make Frank feel small. 

"Gerard anything to add?" Looking up from my gaze of the carpet tiles I wasn't aware of the subject we were on so I shrugged holding up a note.

'No thankyou' 

The room we gathered in was now decorated in Christmas ornaments, tinsel laced around the beams that held the roof up, as a christmas tree was huddled in the corner, lights hanging from the roof. Every year Princeton made an effort to make this place more homely on Christmas but if anything it'd made the pain worse, I never had anyone on christmas nor received anything because my parents always forgot me, even when I was back at home it wasn't any better so I gave up on the idea of celebrating it because I had no one to celebrate it with but that was okay because I was used to it. Every year the cooks here would prepare roast that didn't taste very pleasing but hey the thought was there, I never ate it because all I would usually want to do is sit in my room watching the usual snow that fell during christmas time. It'd start to snow soon probably in a few days or so. 

"Frank what do you wish for this year?" Princeton asked, my eyes wondered up and over to the boy beside me who seemed to be having difficulty knowing what he wanted from the so called santa clause that didn't existed. He glanced up to me but looked sad thinking about what ever it was rattling along in his mind before shaking his head.

"Nothing" He went quiet as Princeton nodded understanding moving onto someone else. Frank wanted something, I could tell but he was unwilling to share what ever it was, as much as I wanted to pester him about it I let him be. This was going to be Frank's first christmas with out a family and I knew now that he was going to be pretty down on christmas because despite how much he seems to despise his mother, he still wanted some affection from her you could just see it in the glimmer of his eyes when she visits although last visitation would was a while back now didn't go to plan since she had pissed me off as I defended my boyfriend. 

Frank wasn't going to get anything this year unless his parents dropped by but I doubt thats going to happen since every visit she looked like she'd rather be any where else than seeing her broken and wanting love son. 

We don't get anything in here but poorly cooked food that will more than likely be poisoned since theres a new cook but we have to make do on that day.I wanted to get Frank something he wasn't sad or disappointed on the day and can take with him when he leaves this place to remember me by but I can't since no money and did I mention that I'm in a fucking mental facility. Maybe someone from the outside could get something for me and bring it to visitation but who is the question, mother wont do it since she doesn't by me jack shit and I don't talk to father, I'd suggest Mikey but I haven't spoken to him for years hell I don't even know if he's alive but I'm praying he is. Plus I don't even know what Frank would like anyway so I guess my options were limited unless I ask Princeton but I'd assume that'd be a no so I could only try right?

Support group finished and Frank left straight away but I stayed behind hoping to catch Princeton who now stood in front of me with a smile.

"Can I help you Gerard?"

'Possibly' Princeton smiled and gave a quiet chuckle at my note before nodding for continuation of where I was going with this.

'Are we doing anything this year? For christmas?'

"No I'm afraid not...Why you never care about it anyway"

'Frank won't have family or anything'

"Yeah I know Gerard"

'Can you at least get him something'

'Please' I added on the end. She chewed her red coated lips before sighing.

"Like what?" Well I didn't get that far into the plan since I didn't think she'd say yes and agree to it but I guess miracles do happen aye. 

"I see you don't know either...well if you can find out something he likes I'll see what I can do but may I ask why you want to do this?"

'He deserves it'

 

Frank had been sitting among the grass playing with flowers as the sun was finally shining down on the earth since nothing but rain kept us in for the pass week or so. Frank's inky hair blew with the ice cold air as I approached him but he seemed unknowledgeable of my presences. He picked at the petals dropping the now destroyed flower to the ground before picking up a pale pink flower smiling at it before slowly lifting his gaze up to mine. The sun rays had coated my skin of my face with warmth as I felt my cheeks go slightly rosy from the sudden exposure of sunlight, usually I'd shy away from the sun but since it was freezing I allowed this moment to slide and let the sun do its thing because even I was aware that the human body needed enough sunlight to stay alive. 

Holding up his hand he offered me the flower but when I reached to pluck it from his hand he pulled it away making me frown but he only panted the ground in front of him so kneeling down he got up on his own knees waddling over before reaching to place the pastel pink flower in my coal black hair, smiling Frank rolled back on his heels landing on his butt with a thump but still smiling. I crossed my legs in front of him pushing the sleeves of my black jumper up my arms to stop the sweaters paws getting dirty from the pollen of the flowers. Something about Frank smiling at the flowers he had collected for him self made a calming and relaxing sense of relief roll over me like a wave hitting the shore softly. I didn't want Frank to go after new years, I didn't want to have to let go, this is why I didn't want to fall in love because I knew it wouldn't work out but I couldn't help it, he made me feel something I knew I'd never feel again and I'm thankful it was him to do that, I'm thankful that he made me feel alive and I'm thankful that he was the reason why I'm still alive today. Frank might be leaving soon but the memories he gave me will never leave because those are worth dying over. 

"What are you thinking about?" Frank asked flicking the stem of a flower away.

"You leaving"

"Oh?"

"Yeah..." 

Silence filled the atmosphere making it uncomfortable until Frank found his voice once again minutes later making me sigh thanking that it had stopped. 

"I'm really sorry Gerard"

"Don't be"

"I can't help it! I-I don't want to leave you I-I'm g-going to be so lonely" Frank whimpered, mood suddenly deflating like a ballon whose air had just been taking away from them.

"You'll meet someone out there Frank, finally be free of this place, after all it was your wish remember?" He nodded but eyes sadden, he crawled over to me flowers falling from his lap before he sat in mine pressing his back to my chest facing the same way I was. Wrapping my arms around his torso and hugged him tightly I rested my head on his shoulder nuzzling my face into his neck savouring the moment. Everything was flying pass me so quickly I couldn't keep up. I picked up a flower from beside my foot and brought my arms back around his body playing with the flowers between my fingers that rested on Franks belly. Frank's fingers found their way up to mine playing with the petals, sighing deeply he leaned back into my chest further letting the sun warm his cold ivory skin up. 

"I don't want anyone else though" He whispered to him self but I heard it making my heart clench. 

"I know baby...Me either" I whispered into his neck looking up seeing a smile tug at the corner of his mouth from the nick name. At least I have just under a month left with him and I'm grateful for that. I had to ask the question that had made me worried about him leaving becasue it's all I feared from his departure. Pressing kisses to the back of his neck making him shiver in my lap I took a deep breath letting out a painful question.

"You won't forget me right?" 

"Never"


	21. Best of all

:psychosis/sʌɪˈkəʊsɪs/a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality:

:It shows exactly what you can do if you're a complete psychotic:

 

Literally nothing ticked in my mind when it come to Frank and what he likes. Seriously NOTHING.

The whole misfits of trying to discover what he likes and what he's into does me no justice, I'd ask him and he'd shrug before mumbling "depends", what depends of what exactly. Depends on if you're happy, sad, angry or frighten that I'm going to literally murder you if you don't give me a straight answer! wait no bad Gerard murder is bad...not always though.

I'm still utterly clueless and Princeton is about to cut the deadline with it so if I don't figure out what he wants then he gets nothing and the thought of that makes me sad because even in here, he deserves something on christmas. I had gathered some information on what he liked out side of these walls, he liked music and apparently he played guitar meaning he was quiet a music nut, he adored puppies and any dog generally which does me no justice in here since I literally can't ask Princeton to by me a puppy and let him have it.

WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE

Perhaps I could get Princeton to hire puppies for Frank to play with. Holy shit he would literally die from happiness, not that I want him to die but he'd be so happy for the day which would mean the world for him. Princeton hopefully should be okay with it but how would we even get puppies in here and where from, maybe she could hire some from the pound for a while. Sounds totally crazy but then again so am I...well thats what they say anyway. Now the only thing left is to actually get Princeton aboard with this so that is why right now I'm sitting in the usual cold leather couch waiting for her to acknowledge my presences before giving me a warming smile which mean's 'kill me and end my job' because even I can see she's starting to regret working here since she looks like she hasn't slept since 1837.

"Gerard whats up?"

'I have an idea'

"Okay?"

'For Frank's present' I smiled hoping she will take kindly to this mad idea.

"Great...what is it?"

'Puppies'

"Absolutely not"

'Hear me out!' She sighed raising her hands up in defeat before gesturing for me to continue my notes.

'Frank loves puppies, so to make him happy I thought we could hire a puppy or two to make him happy for a few hours?' Princeton read the note, watching her eyes keep flicking back and forward rereading before she shook her head placing it in her palm to rest it shortly.

"Gerard how do you think this is possible?"

'Go to the pound or any other rescue centres? please it'd only be for an hour' I let Princeton meet my eyes, letting my face soften into a desperate pleading one she shook her head and just as I was about to get up and out of her office in defeat she smiled before nodding.

"Alright Gerard I'll do what I can okay?"

"Thank you Princeton" I spoke watching her flinch from the sudden noise but smiled greatly at me before nodding for me to leave since other patients are wanting to see their doctor. Princeton's answer seemed to positive even for her which made me slightly suspicious but I took it for granted because I needed to.

 

Keeping a secret like the one a currently possess from Frank is literally harder than I suspected, he's been looking rather down lately and I wanted to burst out the surprise to him and watch him die from happiness...again with the dying but anyway I couldn't because christmas is literally what three or so days away now so I'll have to wait meaning I just have to find other way to cheer him up for the time being. I sense Frank knew that this christmas was going to be difficult with out his family around since when I asked if he'll be okay on the day he shrugged and said 'probably isn't much different from any other christmas'. I had said the same thing to myself but it was much different when you realised you're alone but I was here and Frank wasn't going to be alone completely. 

I never did have many great christmas memories as I kid, I mean sure there were a couple when I was super young but as I grew older as did Mikey they become more disheartening, father would drink and beat us, we didn't get anything nor even get a loving glance from our parents, it was just another day in the eyes of our parents, just another D.A.Y. 

I had given up trying to be happy on christmas because there was utterly no point on lying to myself,so I'd hide in my room away from the drunken beast as Mikey would huddle up into my side under my blanket as we watched a poor excuse for a holiday movie but my baby brother would always fall asleep before me meaning I'd have to get up,drag him to his room tucking him in before kissing his head in a brotherly loving way before sneaking back to my room, on rare occasions my father would try to get me to drink with him and enforce alcohol and some cases drugs on me but I'd deny wanting to sleep earning a harsh slap but non other the less still got back to my room.

Princeton had wondered why I despised Christmas so much when I first arrived, I never left my room for the first two here but last year I had finally decided to eat with the other earning a happy glance from the doctors but a cold one from me. I was right about what I said before, that it would start snowing. Snow fell gently from sky above making the scenery quiet pleasurable to the eyes to watch, it covered the tree tops and a thin layer covered the grass making it a snowy wonderland so I marched down to Frank's room knocking three times hearing him mumble a soft 'come in' before I allowed myself in his door seeing him reading a book quietly on his bed as a mountain of pillows and blankets surrounded his small body. 

I smiled to my self padding my feet to him extending a hand for him to take, taking my hand I hauled him up giving him a surprise kiss on his cheek which instantly turned a cherry red before I led him down the white hall ways ignoring his continuos series of questions until we exit the corridors hearing him gasp and squeal.

"Snow!" 

"Gee look it's SNOWING!" Frank jumped up and down. I smiled shaking my head because clearly he has never seen snow before. I led him out into the free space of grass when snow landed in his inky hair standing out perfectly. Frank looked up letting snow fall on his face, it melt rather quickly against his warm skin before he poked his tongue out letting snow and snow flakes land on his soft pink tongue which he swallowed with a grin. Frank slowly spun around to face me snow still melting and gliding down his face before he broke out into fits of giggles sounding like a pure nutcase as he lifted his hands to my face messy it around.

"You had snow in there" He giggled nuzzling into my chest for warmth since the cold was biting harshly at out gloveless hands and any open skin areas. Weird as it sounds I could literally feel Frank smile against my chest which made nothing but happiness flutter in my chest knowing he had some sense of peace in his head today. It seemed like a scenery from a fairy tale, a couple holding each other while snow fell above and around us while standing in a vibrant green plain but the only difference from our fairy tale to the common one was 

1.We were gay unlike the usual straight tales

2\. Neither of us were knights in shiny amor, more of a schizophrenics in a attire of black

and lucky last

3.We were in the court yard of a fucking metal institute.

No fairy tales place here because this isn't a place of love and luxury, no this was a place of the damed, crazy and lost and perhaps the unlovable besides Frank because he's pretty lovely.

Frank slowly sunk to his knees landing into the snow before flopping onto his back with an oomph again giggling as he rolled over grabbing a fist full of snow flowing it up to the air which happen to catch me in the face. He looked concerned shortly gone with a grin before flinging more snow at me making me growl playfully. Dropping to the ground I tackled him straddling his waist soon pinning his wrist above his head onto the cold ground before smiling down to the boy who fought against me.

"I win" I winked that was before he locked his ankles together around my waist proceeding to roll me over making me groan as soon as my back hit the floor taking the breath out of me. Now that Frank had seated him self on my stomach just below my ribs he held a hand cup of melting snow above my waist and I couldn't wiggle away nor use my hands since they were trapped by my side under Frank's knees that sat on them. Frank only laughed threatening to drop it on my face before I started pleading and threatening him.

"No! Frank don't you dare" I growled playfully but he didn't listen and dropped it making it splash down onto my forehead instantly giving me a brain freeze. 

"You little!-" I yelled laughing gaining enough energy to fling my self up taking Frank with me. We rolled around wrestling into the snow before we both lost our breath laughing in pain and happiness .Eventually we had settled down meaning we were drained on energy leaving up laying into the freezing snow curled up together to spare warmth between us, we had no intentions of moving because we had grown comfortable and I wanted to cherish this moment for a little longer. 

Frank's breathing become shallow beside my neck where he had buried himself so I nudged him a little hearing no response, moving my gaze down to the dark haired boy his eyes had fluttered shut and his lips slightly parted. Frank had fallen asleep curled up in my side so I got up from the ground before hooking my arm under his knees and the other around his shoulders hauling him up bridal style, his head fell onto my should motionless as I carried him into the building gaining a few strange stares but I focused on getting him in bed and warm. 

Princeton had approached me with fiery eyes but I quietly explained with my voice since I couldn't use a note pad, she let me put him to bed letting me pass. I gently laid Frank down on the mattress of his bed pulling the blanket up and over his cold body, kissing his head softly turning to leave but a hand sudden clutched my wrist painfully tight. Looking down to the inky haired boy he looked up with wide eyes and a slightly quivering lip from either the cold or fright.

"Stay with me?"

"Okay" Sliding into the bed after removing my boots and jacket I instantly held him to my chest feeling him tangle his legs with mine as he rested his head on my chest, right cheek squished against my chest as he looked up to me making one of his eyes squinted from all the cheek being pressed up which made me giggle slightly from the look of it. 

"I like the snow" Frank whispered softly.

"Do you?" 

"Very much so despite it being so cold, Thank-you for showing me Gee"

"You're welcome bub" 

***

*Christmas eve

Intense clicking of high heels approached me , growing louder and louder until the one and only Princeton stood in front of me with messy hair and a pile of paper work clutched in her hands as she tried to present her self properly. 

"Gerard there you are" She puffed out like she had ran a marathon to find me, I nodded watching her straighten her self up because here I am! The one and only Gerard Arthur Way walking in the hallway of a mental institute because there is so many other places I could be right now.

"I got the news back on the...Puppies or whatever" She breathed, I smiled nodding greatly.

"We can have them for two hours thats it then they have to go back home" 

"Thankyou so much Princeton" I spoke again she watched me in amazed making me scoff to my self. She explained about handling them and that they'll need to be taken outside every half hour to do their business but need to brought straight back in for warmth and that only us are able to touch them because of safety reason and that we need to keep them second common room that no one uses. Shame really since the second common room is much bigger and spacious than the one we're currently being hauled up in but I ain't complaining since I don't usually visit the room unless Frank wants to or support group. 

Christmas was tomorrow meaning Frank was about to have the biggest surprise ever played on him and I'm just praying to the non existant god that he enjoys all we've done for him and that he at least smiles since he hasn't at all today, I tried showing him the snow again remembering how happy it made him the first time but he shook his head no, I then tried picking him the pink flowers he likes in the courtyard but they died from the ice, finally I tried to read him his favourite book but he didn't feel up to listening so I gave up and held him for hours on end sending him to sleep before leaving his room where Princeton ran to me out of breath. 

Frank was sitting across from me at the table pushing his food around with a disgruntled frown resting upon his face which didn't suit him. Bob, Ray and Dallon filed in shortly with cheery grins with maybe just Bob and Ray since Dallon didn't smile, they murmured 'hello's and 'hi's before sitting down proceeding to eat the slop the new cook prepared leaving Frank and I to utter silence. 

"Frank?"

"Hmm?"

"You okay?"

"Grand just grand Gerard"

"Sorry" I looked down to my tray picking at the food, Stupid question to ask since he didn't look fine but the thought of asking was there. I heard him give a throaty sigh before I felt a hand grasped my softly under the table as his hand searched for mine.

"I miss them"

"Your family?"

"Yeah...I know they're hateful but I still miss them" I nodded giving him a sad smile rubbing his hand with my thumb for comfort. Over the cause of dinner time I managed to get Frank to finish his meal despite the constant whines of not being hungry, it was poisoned and it tasted gross, I managed to convince him it was safe and that he'll thank me later. I may or may not have used the 'I won't stay with you tonight unless you eat your dinner' excuse, obviously I was bluffing since I needed Frank by my side to sleep or I didn't sleep a wink also Frank couldn't sleep either or he'd get night terrors when being alone so that excuse always allowed me to win, harsh I know but it needed to be done. 

Sipping the crisp cool water of the Styrofoam cup I was holding washing down the pills that was a daily need of my life now Frank stood with the medication in his palm just staring at it. His palm was shaking slightly making me frown before stepping to him throwing my cup away.

"What?"

"Oh uh nothing" Frank shook his head cautiously placing the pills on his tongue gulping the water down throwing the cup to the bin, interlacing our fingers together we headed down the hallways to my room but stopped when Frank came to a halt staring into the common room. He proceeded to drag me with him into the room seeing the TV turned on playing some sort of christmas movie.

"Want to watch it?" I asked seeing Frank nodded curiously moving towards a spare spot behind the other viewers so we were at the far back on a couch against the wall. Plopping down onto the leather I had to maintain balance on this thing since I slid around everywhere, groaning Frank sat up grabbing me forcing me to lay vertical on the couch before laying himself in front of me to face the TV. I could just see over the boys hair as he pressed his back into my chest soon my arm draped over his waist, head resting on the arm rest. I recognised the movie that was playing, it was the Grinch and I hadn't seen this movie since I was little and last time I watched it was with Mikey while we drank hot chocolate and laughed because that was one of the two christmas's that was happy and enjoyable.

"Gee"

"Hmm"

"You okay?"

"Uh yeah why?"

"You were tense"

"It's nothing bub" I kissed the back of his neck feeling him shudder from the gesture.

The movie had been playing for about another hour or so and when it came to an end Princeton helped some patients to bed while I had a main goal which was getting the sloth that laid in front of me off his butt so he could go to bed. He refused to move as I got up from behind him stretching my tired limbs but he only slipped his eyes closed snuggling into the couch further.

"Frank stop being a child" I groaned but he turned over facing the back of the couch ignoring me. If Frank was good at anything it's being a whiny baby and not doing anything the other says, so deciding to put my foot down I grasped his waist before painfully hauling him up off the couch with the unknown strength I had and threw him over my shoulder waking the boy up.

"Gee! put me down!" Frank squealed while giggling slapping my back tiredly but instead I spun around quickly making me slightly dizzy as he squealed and clutched my shirt begging me to put him down so I did, lowering him to the ground I had to catch him when he almost fell from his asleep legs giving out.He gave me a 'I hate but love you' glare as we walked to the entrance of the common room but once again he FUCKING stopped making me puff my cheeks out with annoyance at him. Frank looked up to the ceiling at the door entrance before cheeks going bright red as a smile itched at his lips, Confused I looked up seeing the green and popular plant called mistletoe hanging directly above us showing off its green colours. I knew exactly what mistletoe meant, kiss the person beside you as you stand underneath the plant so thats exactly what I did.

Cupping Frank's face softly in my hands I lean't down pressing my lips to his, he sighed softly into my lips bringing his hands up to grasp my waist softly kissing back with just as much passion. Pulling away he now possessed redden cheeks and a shy smile before I pulled him along with me to head off to my room for much needed sleep getting ready for his surprise tomorrow. 

Frank didn't fall asleep easily as I hoped he would, we spent an hour tossing and turning staring at each other in silence but eventually his eyes slipped shut allowing him to fall away shortly me following shortly knowing he was in a peaceful state at this point of time.

***  
"Gee?" Prying my eyes open and looking tiredly around the room Frank sat at the end of the bed with a sadden expression plastered on his face. Christmas and no family was going to be tough not going to lie and I think it was really hitting him hard right now since he stared at his lap. Untangling my self from the sheets I sat up on my knees waddling over to him and pulled him into me.

"I expected them to be here but except I woke up "Here" " He emphasized "here" meaning a mental facility. I could literally hear the pain and heart break in his voice making my chest pain knowing exactly how the feeling felt. Yep this was going to be a slow SLOW day. Frank leaned his head on my shoulder and sniffed, he had been crying since his eyes were red and just under on his cheeks were blotchy plus his voice quivered with every word.Kissing his temple I held him close before Josh was knocking on the door alerting us that we needed to be up for breakfast. 

Frank wondered off and got ready as I slid my black jeans, shirt and jacket up zipping my combat boots up and waited for him to be done we headed to the cafeteria where the food smelled slightly better than a regular day but I still wouldn't trust it nor the radioactive water. The food didn't seem that bad surprisingly, he the new cook, cooked pancakes with strawberries aside, the old cook never gave us this but maybe just maybe he wasn't as bad as he seems. Picking at the strawberries and popping it in my mouth Frank rested an arm on the table and his head on his palm, I knew he was waiting for his name to be called for visitation like Bob, Ray and Dallon were but that was an hour ago and yet not a single mummer of his name was heard. 

Christmas in here wasn't exactly the most festive thing you'll ever see, Princeton hung up decorations and played corals over the radio but didn't feel...christmasy. The tree she had put up was a white alpine tree with dark blue decorations but in my view it just made a mess, bristles of the branches fell to the floor as stems of the tinsel littered the hallways, in my view it'd be better just to say "merry christmas" and let us be in silence. This holiday had never really mean much to me, was a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus, a day where we shared gifts and ate till we were rolling of the couch but why should be celebrate it when it's not our day, it's about the almighty Jesus.

Frank's utter sad and gloominess had finally taken it's toll of me so deciding to wipe that sadden expression of his face I led him to the common room where he set himself on the couch laying down sighing tiredly.

"Why are we here Gerard?"

"I have a surprise for you" Frank's eyes lit up trying to contain a smile.

"B-but I-I didn't get y-you anything" Frank's expression dropped about because guilt suddenly laced his face but the fact was I didn't care that I was receiving anything today because I didn't expect anything. Smiling shaking my head I kissed him softly stroking his cheek gingerly.

"You didn't need to okay, stay here for a sec" I smiled walking over to the door turning around once more.

"Close your eyes" I winked slipping from the room and sprinted down the hallways looking for Princeton.

Princeton's office was open but wasn't containing her so I ran around looking for her until I found her pulling into the facility in the work car for this place. As my prays were answered she walked from the car holding a pet carrier cage meaning it contains the puppies for Frank. I smiled instantly getting ready to meet her at the door. When she got into the building I jumped her with questions until she scolded me ushering me to back up so she could walk as I followed her to her office with the puppies that were yapping. Closing the door she placed the carrier on the floor opening the door letting them walk out slowly and amusingly since their legs are still soft and squishy so they can't really hold them selves up but still tried to run making me smile.

"Gerard I'm trusting you to carry them, walk with them to the common room and to make sure they go out for...their business. Please be careful or I will personally end you" She joked on the end but with a serious tone making me gulp nodding with agreement. Picking up the two puppies in my arms feeling the soft fur under my palms I smiled once again before heading to the door.

"Thankyou a-again Princeton" I closed the door with one hand then using it to hold the other puppy before walking down the second common room making sure to hide them from the other patients. When reaching the common room in south wing I peeked around door seeing Frank walking in circles before calling out.

"Close your eyes" I called out seeing him spin around so I quickly hid the puppies carefully.

"Sit on the ground and close them" He sighed shaking his head before falling to the ground crossing his legs shutting his eyes softly. Walking over to the boy I bent down in front of him then sitting, setting one puppy down on the ground I let it try to walk over to him before setting the other puppy on his lap.

"Open"

Frank's eyes fluttered open frowning at me before glancing down eyes widening as a giant smile, like a pure genuine smile took over his face as he squealed scooping the puppy on his leg up.

"Oh my god! Gerard a puppy!" He squealed excitedly pressing the puppies face up to his letting their noses squish together as he smiled at it. He noticed the other one on the floor so he too scooped that one up bringing it to his face before kissing them repeatedly with love. The first puppy was white with black spots and the other was a pure black one but I noticed Frank took a liking to the spotted one. Frank once again booped noses with them.

"OH MY GOD TWO PUPPIES!"

"How-what-how did you get them?" He asked eyes never leaving them.

"I convinced Princeton to let me hire them...since your family isn't here" I mumbled the last part but Frank didn't care about my choice of words instead leaned over and kissed me hard before going back to play with the little ones. I've never seen Frank so happy and full of love the whole time he has been here but seeing him like this made me happy and proud that my idea worked. 

Frank sat them on the floor letting them roam around as the crawled over his legs making him giggle, scooping the black up one in my hands I held it up looking at the eyes, still baby blue from the young age but surely soon enough they'll be mocha brown as they age. The fur was soft as their paw pads were softer against my fingers making me feel soft on the in side. 

"What are their names?" Frank asked.

"Uh they don't have one"

"We should name them"

"Sure...what thought?"

"I think this one should be...spots" He pointed to the black and white spotted one, I rolled my eyes laughing.

"How original" He only poked to the tongue at me.

"How about violet for this one" I held up the black puppy giving it a girls name despite that it could possibly be a male, Frank pursed his lips before nodding giving me a toothy grin.

 

Frank saying goodbye to the puppies when it was time for Princeton to take them back was literally heartbreaking to watch. When I had to take them from his hands he shot me a look with pouting lips and wide eyes while whispering a 'please' so I'd give them back to him but I had to shake my head and put them in the carrier. Frank showered them with endless kisses and waved them goodbye as Princeton drove off leaving through the gates securing the facility in. Frank slumped against the window watching the car go as I hugged him from behind before he spun around wrapping me in his arms.

"I miss them already" He whined as I pulled away.

"They literally left two seconds ago"

"So! Spots come back!" I laughed ruffling his hair up as he shooed my hand away shoving me playfully. 

So the puppy gift hiring was a success since Frank smiled the whole time after, talking about how soft their paws were and how cute they were when they kept falling over from the squishy jelly legs. Princeton thanked me for coming up with the idea because she informed me that he hasn't smiled nor been that happy in five to six years according to what his parents had informed Princeton, so seeing him so happy today showed that maybe just maybe people with a dark perspective can still see light. 

 

Night time had rolled around briskly and no signs of Frank's family so he had given up and said that he knew they weren't coming in but he wasn't sad no he seemed relieved. Frank kept apologising for not getting me anything and every time I kiss him explaining that I didn't want anything but he'd still were a sadden look but soon it'd go away when he'd talk about the puppies again for the hundredth time.Perhaps this christmas may have been lonely for him but as long as it wasn't all depressing for him I have succeeded at my job which was making him happy for the time being.

Dinner had been fine despite the oddly tasting meat served with over cooked vegetables following we had a bowl of ice cream. I had chosen vanilla while Frank went with chocolate but we both enjoyed both flavours so each second scoop we'd take it from the others bowl so we weren't stuck with the same flavour. When it got to the last spoonful Frank had tried to feed it to me playfully but I refused until he struck me with the puppy eyes I couldn't resist, so parting my lips allowing the spoon to enter he "accidentally" missed making it go over the corners of my mouth but before I could lick it away he decided to kiss it off not caring if anyone could see include the doctors. 

Christmas had come to a alright ending, with only one more episode of sadness about his family Frank laid on my bed as we watched the snow pat against my window and melt away as we listened to each others breathing. Frank hauled him self up sitting up on my stomach letting his hands rest on ribs letting his fingers wonder of my rib cage drawing patterns. Drumming my fingers against his legs that were bracketed around my hips he hummed a tune that I didn't quiet know. Frank's hand aimlessly wondered up and under my shirt, skin instantly covered in goosebumps as his cold skin dragged over mine making me shiver.

"Can I ask you something?" Frank question in a small voice.

"Yes"

"Where are your parents?" Frank asked. I frozen at the question thinking the answer over in my head.

"They don't come no more"

"Why?'

"I-I dont know F-frank" I spoke honestly, I honestly didn't know why my mother had given up seeing me now on christmas, she promised when I first came here she said "I'll always be here sweetie" but now It's rare I get her disgusting face around here and it's probably for the best.

"I'm sorry"

"It's okay" Reassuring him because it was fine. 

"You're cold" He stated frowning to my stomach like a child.

"Like always"

"Here" He mumbled before laying himself down flat on my stomach resting his chin on my chest staring at me.His body instantly warmed mine wrapping my arms around him while pulling the blankets up over us because it was getting colder by the minute.

"Merry christmas Gee" He kissed my chest delicately.

"Merry christmas Frankie"


	22. Things are better if I stay

:Eternity/ɪˈtəːnɪti,iːˈtəːnɪti/infinite or unending time:

:A moment standing still forever:

The next week or so was going to pretty rough on probably just me since Frank was getting out of here, out of the pit of crazies meaning his birthday wish came true. I was going to be left alone and I was preparing myself to adapt back to the old ways, not talking nor making eye contact, not letting one touch me, no smiling nor laughing just back to the isolated state I was once in before Frank came and dragged me away from it. 

Frank continue to apologise and promise me that he'll never forget me nor move on but thats not what I wanted, I wanted Frank to move on, love someone else because I'm stuck in here for the rest of my life I know it, I didn't want him waiting for someone who will never see out side of these walls, Frank didn't know but he was going to be alright out there I just knew it because he has medication and a house to live in he'll be okay.

Princeton has thus fairy tale of an idea that despite Frank leaving I'll still be talking and social, oh please don't make me laugh, when he's gone I'm turning back into my isolated turtle self. On the subject of Frank I was actually now sitting in the chair in front of Princeton's desk since she needed to speak to me about the boy.

"Gerard how are you?" Princeton asked pushing her glasses up.

'Fine'

"Only fine?"

'Yep' She nodded not pushing the subject.

"Gerard you are aware that Frank will be discharged in four days correct" I nodded feeling a cold damp feeling slap me in the chest, I worried it was Dmitri for a moment but then I realised it was the feeling of my heart being wrapped in a wet blanket of pain.

"How do you feel about that?"

"Fucking shit Princeton" I spoke through gritted teeth giving her the honest answer because my only source of happiness was leaving me in four days and I'm never getting it back. Princeton gave me a pity look making me roll my eyes, I didn't want her pity I didn't want anyones.

"Why's that Gerard?" Wow she really is thick kinda like a brick wall except it has many more layers than just the one. I was subconsciously gripping the arm rest of the chair tightly before realising I was leaving nail marks into the leather of the chair, releasing my hold of the chair I crossed my legs underneath my self letting my hands fall aimlessly into my lap keeping my gaze down to the hole in my jeans.

"I'll be alone" I whispered feeling angry for my self for talking but for once it was okay.

"You're not alone Gerard, theres others here" I scoffed at her statement before giving a throaty chuckle to my self, excuse me Princeton you mean legit fucking nutcase's I mean excuse my rudeness but there is literally a man walking around with a foil hat to protect him from aliens and god knows what else and you except me to still be buddy buddy with him well no I'm absolutely good thanks. 

Princeton didn't get it, she wasn't an animal being trapped in a cage here, she could go home and leave us behind locked up behind bared doors while she goes to an actual home while I'm here facing hell face on.

"Why can't I be released hmm? I'm way over my discharged date don't you think" I hissed bating against my chance to be free, I was mean't to be out of here what two years ago but here I am! still trapped like a freak in a circus. Princeton's eyes widen before sitting up interlocking her hands together avoiding my eyes, hers aimlessly danced around the desk while I shot daggers into her wanting the truth as to why I'm still trapped here.

"Gerard you're-"

"Why am I still here Princeton?"

"For your protection"

"Don't act like it's for me" I rolled my eyes adverting my gaze downwards letting my coal black hair frame my self hiding it away from Princeton.I looked at my arms at the little silver scars that were scattered over my forearm from when I smashed the mirror earning glass to stab into my pale flesh, it had only healed a few weeks ago meaning I could take the stupid bandage finally cleaning it after not being able to let water touch it.

When they finally took the bandages off it was nothing but super pale flesh with vibrant angry purple and red lines lining my skin, my fingers were extremely weak since they had been wrapped up for so long, so it was a few days where I kept dropping everything because I forgot just had weak my fingers had become meaning Frank had to catch everything making him laugh at every mistake I made. 

Frank had actually made the mistake of sitting on my newly unbadaged hand when he went to sit on my bed beside me he had gotten my hand stuck under him meaning I threw him off because it hurt like a mother fucker.

He gave me nothing but sorry eyes and a pouting look the whole night after we had to go to the clinic for painkillers, I knew he didn't mean it but I still chose to give him cold glares most of the night until I gave up and held him because despite me being the one in pain he had looked like a wounded puppy. Frank had actually reminded me a lot of my brother when they got into trouble because all they would do is beg for forgiveness and hug you until you weren't angry nor sad anyone but unlike Frank I don't kiss my brother because that would be rather weird since you know he's my brother and all.

On the subject of Mikey the dreams had come back to me but they become more morbid except it always ends the same, Mikey gets shot. Usually I'd wake up as soon as the gun is fired but I never go to see what happens next. I needed to know what happens because maybe just maybe I could get the answers as too where Mikey is or what has happen to him since on one talks about my baby brother no more.

"Gerard?"

"Mikey"

"I'm sorry" I looked up to Princeton letting her meet my gaze.

"Wheres my baby brother?" Princeton straightened up eyes going back to avoiding mine so I knew something was up.

"Gerard look it's not information to tell"

"Please Princeton, the dreams, the thoughts all lead back to him...I-I need to know" I begged with a broken voice until her shoulders slumped down shaking her head before whispering the answer I regretted hearing.

"Mikey's dead Gerard" She closed her eyes resting her head in her hands staring holes into the desk. I gripped the armchair hearing the words that drilled a hole through my heart.

Dead

Mikey's dead Gerard.

The words continued to ring out in my head making me feel sick. Subconsciously I gripped my hair tugging at it harshly shaking my head while tears started to brim my eyes. My baby brother can't be dead, he just can't be he's to young, he should be finding a wife to marry and having children making me an uncle but he's dead. 

Tears streamed down my hair as I stared at the window in shock feeling bile claw at my throat, the room felt like it closing in on me, my throat was becoming dry as my vision was becoming blurry from the tears that fell freely.

"Gerard I'm so so-" I cut her off by standing up and slamming the door shut proceeding to storm down the hallway pushing pass other patients, Bob caught sight of me and tried to stop me but I only shoved him into the wall continuing my way to the outside courtyard. Ignoring the harsh biting of the cold I stomped to a deserted part of the courtyard that was a blind spot for cameras and windows before I let everything out. 

Falling to the ground on my knees gripping my hair I screamed, letting every emotion I've bottled up for the passing four or so years out, I screamed until my voice broke until nothing but silence escaped through my lips as tears fell into the snow. I hunched over burying my face in my hands letting sobs rack my body.

Nothing had been this painful before because despite how much mental trauma I may encounter nothing comes close to the feeling and knowing that my baby brother that I had to protect died and I wasn't there to save him.

"I'm so sorry Mikey" I screamed into the sky looking up to the dark clouds swirling above.

"So sorry I wasn't there"

"So sorry I couldn't save you"

"I-i l-love you baby b-brother" I whispered lips quivering as I sunk into the ground laying on my side, wanting to fall asleep and let everything bypass me because now I was finally at a point where I didn't care what happens any more, I had finally lost the one person outside of the fence that surrounds this place that I actually love but now he was just a memory and all I have left is the dreams that will continue to haunt me every time I close my eyes. 

I hugged my body as I laid in the snow not wanting to move because maybe if I freeze to death out here then I'll be up there with my baby brother again just maybe.

***

"Mikey stop being a little shit head" I yelled trying to grab my comic book from my brothers grasp but instantly stop when the sound of ripping paper rang out making me freeze. Mikey went pale lowering his hands seeing two pages from my beloved comic book fall lifeless down onto the floor. Watching the pages sit by Mikey's feet he started to babble on, apologies aimlessly when I snatched the broken comic from his hands with angry eyes.

"You fucker!" I hissed angrily because you see there was on fifty copies of this comic, sounds like a lot but only three of them get delivered to each city and I was lucky enough to snatch the last one up but now it was broken from my brothers rough and fighting hands. Leaving my brothers room and stomping to mine I swung the door open placing the rest of the comic down with my collection away from Mikey, I tried to fix it but no use I was only going to make it worse.

I hadn't seen Mikey for about two hours now until I heard soft foot steps pad towards my door before three knocks rang out. Opening the door Mikey stood there looking up to me with sad eyes, letting him into my room I sat back on my bed about to log back onto my computer when Mikey sat beside me cold. Looking to my baby brother I now noticed a harsh bruise across him cheek.

"Mikey what happen!" I freaked cupping his face scanning the bruised skin, he flinched when I touched it lightly but he only leaned in before hugging me sacredly.

"F-father" Was all he stated, he curled up in to my side as I hugged him protectively, I knew all well that father was drinking and he gets violent when on the piss so I left the subject alone.

"I'm s-sorry about y-your book G-gee" He whispered but I shook my head, I wasn't angry about the comic any more especially now because Mikey had been hurt.

"It's okay it's just paper" I soothed.

"I-I don't want to go back to my r-room"

"It's okay, Stay here" I pulled the blanket over my brothers shaking body as he soon fell asleep and limp against me as I stared out the window to the night sky as the clouds blocked the moon before bypassing it. It wasn't long before harsh footsteps ascended up the stairs to my foot before violent banging was heard from my door. 

Leaving my brothers sleeping body I stepped over to the door opening it revealing my father and angry uncle. My eyes widen when they pushed pass me raising a hand that possessed a gun to Mikey's forehead.

"Dad No!" I screamed

Bang

***

"1 2 3 clear"! Ah fuck that did not feel good.A intense feeling on electric shock travelled from my chest all the way down to my toes sending tingles zaps all through my skin but my eyes fell shut again.

"1 2 3 clear!" Fuck stop doing that!

"Heart beat is back up, pulse is alleviated" A voice above spoke deeply, god is that you or jesus. I felt something poke my wrist before two fingers were prying my eyes open shining a light blinding the fuck out of me but I didn't move or blink, it was like all my sense had malfunctioned and I had no control. I had now realised that I felt extremely warm like the sun was rubbing against me wanting to burn me to death.

Finally they move their jabbing fingers from my eyes when I slowly blinked staring up to the light above me.

"His senses are motivated" I started to blink rapidly before shooting up from my laying state but regretted it when I became light headed and almost fell of the chair I was perched on. I felt a hand steady my shoulder, lazily looking up the usual face of Princeton stared at me with wide eyes, her face held fear and worry but I was lost as to what was happening. She forced me to lay down on the bed or chair what ever it was.

"I have to...save...M-mikey...He's in d-danger" I babbled on closing my eyes letting them rest as my head high was fading away. All I knew was in my dream Mikey was in trouble and I needed to get to him before my father does.

"Gerard do you know why you're in here?" I lazily moved my gaze from under my eyes lids to Princeton who stood beside me, I shook my head confirming that I was utterly clueless as to why I was being strapped to a table.

"Gerard I found you passed out in the snow in the courtyard, you suffered from mild hypothermia" Princeton spoke fluently giving me the information informing me as to why I was in here, so my question as to why I felt deadly cold at the moment was answered but at the same time I was fucking burning under what ever I was underneath perhaps it was a heater light. 

Why was I in the snow, did Frank leave me out there, was I walking then been attack? I sat up ignoring Princeton's statements of me needing to sit down but I needed to get up and find Mikey or at least call him.

"I-I need to get to M-mikey" I spoke hurriedly when another hand stopped me from pursuing my plans. Princeton sighed giving a look to Josh who shrugged with a sadden look before Princeton sounded like she was defeating the world one handed.

"Gerard Mikey died remember?" Her words were familiar but still stabbed daggers into my already broken heart. It wasn't a dream no it was the cold hard truth, my baby brother was really dead and wasn't a dream I was hoping it was.

"It wasn't a dream" I choked out Princeton shaking her head as tears stung my eyes but I refused to let them see me cry. Princeton mumbled a sorry and other aimless words but I wasn't listening because the harsh pains of heart break and sadness had over washed me, I felt numb like all colour had just drained from me.

 

***

When mother came to visitation only a day or two after the incident of me finding out about my brothers death and earning hypothermia even she could tell something within me had snapped, something had had been straining to keep in tact for all these finally snapped depriving me of warmth and sense of relief I had when I knew and thought Mikey was still alive. 

Frank too had notice but didn't seem to want to know as to why I wouldn't respond or why I chose to sleep by myself because no matter how much closure I wanted to find for this I couldn't because this was just another problem to the list of many in my fucked up head.

Mother seemed content while sitting across from me, her eyes held worry but I held anger and pain as I clutched the chair almost breaking my fingers from the force I was enduring into the metal chair.I didn't have my sketch pad with me meaning I was bound to talk to the monster, she or father were probably the cause of my brother and yet I can't do anything about it because unlike Frank I won't get freedom.

"Sweetie is everything okay?" Mother batted her disgusting eyes at me.

"Mikey's dead mother" I spat watching her slowly turn from fake happy to morbid sad hearing the words I once feared about her baby boy and my brother.

"Didn't think I'd find out huh How dare you fucking keep that away from me!" I snarled to the women, she looked down in shame picking at her pink nails.

"It was for the best"

"What? His death or keeping the secret?"

"Gerard I know you loved him, I didn't want to hurt you" I scoffed slouching in my chair pulling the black and grey stripped scarfs tighter around my neck for warmth and hopefully to cut my circulation of and strangle me to death to get away from this monster. The sounds of doors opening and closing caught my attention looking around Frank emerged from the hallway into the visitation room looking around until he spotted his mother instantly walking over there. 

His mother stood up and tried to hug him but he shook his head and flinched away, I gritted my teeth protectively watching over the boy as he too slumped in his chair looking dazed from this world. 

From here I could see new vibrant red lines streaking his neck, seriously what the fuck are they from! Every week he has a new set of scratches lacing his perfect pale skin I need to know what he's doing to himself when I'm not around because if Princeton thinks this is another sign of insanity then his chance to be free will be demolished and I can't let him be trapped here any longer.

"Gerard! what are you looking at?" My mother snapped her fingers in front of my face as I had to restrain my self from snapping her fingers. She followed my gaze to my boyfriend before laughing.

"Stop making heart eyes to the boy, his not a fag like you so stop before he gets uncomfortable" She rolled her eyes crossing her arms over her chest pressing her self back into the chair.

Needing to satisfy the need of wanting to prove her wrong I scooted my chair back angrily stomping over to Frank who sensed me coming smiling up to me I grabbed his hand apologising to Mr.s Iero despite the fact that I despised the women and dragged him back my table where I sat back in my chair pulling Frank to sit on my lap encircling his waist in my arms hugging his body sending a devious smirk to my mother.

"Uh Gee whats going on?" Frank squeaked.

"Mother meet Frank...My boyfriend" My mothers eyes darkened glaring up to Frank who sat there awkwardly.

"So you're a fag too huh?" I felt Frank tense on my lap but I only laughed at my mothers choice of words.

"It seems that our mothers have taken a liking to the word 'fag'" I chuckled before the sound of high clicking approached me as Mr.s Iero stood beside me with a disgusted face.

"Frank what are you doing?" She asked Frank before he hopped of my lap standing with his mother but didn't walk away.

"You know it's a good thing your brother wasn't a fag because at least I feel some what sadness for his death" She snarled, I didn't try to kill her nor sent her a dirty look but Frank gasped beside me as I watched her eyes in horror hearing something so morbid and deafening escaping through her wicked lips. A thump formed in my throat as I fought the tears away feeling a hand interlock with mine but I shook it away and stood up quietly pushing my chair back in under the table, I couldn't fight any more I'm weak.

"I may be a fag but at least Mikey loved me unlike you, the monster who I feared as a kid, he didn't love you nor did I" I paused gaining my breath.

"Don't come back ever again mother" I whispered seeing instant regret lace her eyes as she spoke her words. I knew letting her go was the best option because I never wanted to see her again, she wasn't my mother, friend no she was just a bug on a windshield that needed to be washed away.

Just a spec of dust that has no meaning in my life.

I stepped from table away from my mother.

"Good bye mother" I choked shakily before turning around shoving pass Frank out of the visitation room and down the hallway where nothing was Frank's voice yelled out for me. It was until I reached my room Frank slammed my door shut as I stood out my window.

"Gee whats going on with you?" He gripped my shoulder swinging my around to face him, the tears fell fresh from my eyes as I let out a shakily breath. Frank wiped my tears away with his thumb kissing my damp cheeks softly before hugging my torso tightly where it almost hurt.

"Mikey's dead" I whispered down to him blankly looking at his eyes but not focusing on them. Frank gasped and gripped my hand tightly while using the other free hand to cup my face but I backed away no wanting to be touched. It's only when you say something out loud you realise how real things become. Mikey was dead.

Never coming back.

"His dead oh god Frank his dead! Fuck!" I started to hyperventilate before I allowed my self to fall forwards and into Frank letting my wheaping self to loose against being brave against everything. Frank backed up and sat on my bed pulling me with him, I laid on his lap clutching his legs letting my tears fall onto his jean clad thighs as he ran a hand through my hair softly.

"I'm so sorry Gee" He whispered but I shook my self not wanting to hear any pity from anyone because I didn't care what they thought, I only wanted my baby brother back.

I turned in Frank's lap to look up to him despite being dark in here I could still see his dull hazel eyes from the moon light. He held me tight as I let everything out because it wasn't really until now it had finally processed in my head what I had heard from Princeton. Not to mention Frank was leaving in a day or so and I was not prepared for that. 

"Frank w-when you leave c-can you do something for m-me?"

"Sure anything"

"Can you find Mikey's grave for me?" Frank eyes sadden biting his lip he only nodded giving me a kiss on my forehead.

"Yeah of course Gee"

"Are you prepared?"

"For what?"

"Freedom" I smiled brokenly up to the boy hearing him sigh giving me sad eyes again. I sat up of him lap but kept my legs draped over his thighs.

"Frank whats wrong?"

"I don't want to leave you Gee" I shook my head grabbing his face making him look at me. 

"Everything will be okay, You'll start to live your life and met new people, get healthy" 

"I love you Gee..for an eternity" 

"I love you too Frankie for an eternity"

***

Frank seemed on edge all this morning. Eat ate breakfast slowly and like a zombie, dropping the spoon of milk and wheat twice meaning I had to clean it up before Josh scold at him. Bob and Ray kept wishing Frank well out there because tomorrow Frank was being set free which mean't tonight was New Years, Frank had a fresh start to the year and I was utterly happy for him but he seem out of it right now.

He seemed lost, his dull and glassy like he was seeing right through everything me being one of them because when I waved my hand in front on his face he just stared blankly at me like I wasn't there. 

"Frank,bub whats wrong?" He glanced to me but shook his head offering a sad smile.

Frank and I decided to skip support group which is almost impossible but I convinced Princeton since I said I wanted to spend the day with Frank before he was a walking man, she agreed no other the less and let us roam the facility just us two. Princeton knew Frank leaving was going to be impossible to get over for me and she made things easy for me because even someone like Princeton has some compassion for the damed. 

Bob was currently sitting in the library where Frank and I planned on going, he propped himself against the shelf in glossed in a book while using one hand to keep his tin foil hat straight. I had heard years ago while I was at home about a whole community dedicated to people who wear tin foil hat, believed that a simple piece of material can block out creatures from outer space and the government because they hold the secrets that only they can know. 

He was a strange man, I've never actually seen Bob's hair before only the scruff he had going on but never seen the hair underneath of his hair. Frank moved to the shelf and plucked out the book he reads every time we come here. 

Heart shaped box

I've read that book three times over, own my own copies back at home well my parents house. Heart shaped box and the perks of being a wall flower have been the only books I have read, I had wished I was allowed to bring them with me because despite reading them over and over again they made me feel content for a little while, like the world around me didn't matter becasue perhaps it didn't.

When I first came here Princeton was informed by my mother that I kept rereading them over and over again, Princeton believed that was signs of depression and isolation of course I had disagreed with them because once I had believed that I was utterly fine and I was not sick but as months and months in here continue perhaps my fights against everyone else was a lost cause. 

Four years ago seems so different now, four years ago Princeton had blond hair and was almost as pale as me but now she had long brown hair which was her natural colour and was now tan from spending hours in the sun with out a coat. Four years ago Princeton always tried to make me speak and worked on getting closer to me but soon gave up when I wouldn't budge. 

 

 

The day moved slower and slower thankfully but it finally came night time as Frank was curled up at my side aimlessly drawing circles on my chest with his finger as we stared up to the ceiling. Frank shuffled closer into my side when I felt a pair of soft cold lips on my neck making me shiver slightly. Frank continued and got harsher before he swung his legs over my hips and straddled my waist. 

He moved from my neck to my lips kissing me deeply, parting our lips the kiss got messy and heated as I gripped his waist tightly sitting up keeping him in my waist , holding onto my shoulders I slipped my fingers underneath his shirt feeling his cold skin under the pads of my fingers.

Frank suddenly shoved me back into the mattress falling down on top of my sucking harshly at my neck no doubt leaving vibrant bruises along my skin, on show for everyone. When Frank shuffled he grounded his hips down harshly against mine making me give out a quiet moan as he continue rolling his hips.

"Gee"

"Hmm"

"Can we please" He breathed out heavily moving to look me in the eye. It took me a moment to understand what he meant before it click making my eyes widen in what he was asking for. If I'd admit anything, I have never done anything like that before because I had no one. I wasn't exactly sure that being that intimate with Frank in here wasn't a good idea and If Frank hadn't done anything like that before than I didn't want to be the one to deflower him because 

1.We're in a mental facility

and 

2\. He deserves someone whose able to walk out of here unlike I.

"Frank we can't" I breathed out as he stopped his actions. He sat up rested his hands on my chest titling his head.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to do it...in here" I admitted. Frank nodded and apologise for thinking so blandly before laying back down, resting his chin on my chest and looking me deeply in the eyes. God I'm going to miss his eyes, the beautiful dull hazel iris's that somehow managed to glister in the moon light.

I'm going to miss his pale skin that was cold and soft against my palm, the blank inky hair that frame his face. 

I'm going to miss him.

In a way

I already do

Looking to the wall, the clock showed 11:56pm meaning it was new year in 4 minutes and 32 seconds. Moving Frank from my hips I dragged him up from the bed and shushed him while leading him down the bright white hallways. We dodged the doctors, keeping flat against the walls until we snuck out side where the wind was cold and the moon was bright hanging high above the our atmosphere as the stars glinted like fairy lights. 

"Why are we out here Gee?" Frank's teeth chatted together. As time passed I look inside a window seeing the clock. 

12 seconds to 12pm

I counted down seeing Frank raise his eye brow.

As it hit one a smile cupping his face bringing his lips to mine. We stood there kissing for a few minutes until we needed a breath but still held each other close.

"Happy new year Frank"

"Happy new year Gee"

Now that it was February 1st it means Frank was a free patient, he'll be walking out of the fences that keeps us changed in exactly 11 hours, in exactly 11 hours I'll be left lonely again but thats okay because Frank's wish was coming true and thats all that mattered to me. Now to me it was just another year in here, it would now conclude to five years being trapped like an animal in the circus, another year reminding me that I'm never leaving, never going to see the outside world again. 

I'll never forget Frank, the first moment I laid eyes on him in the visitation room a he sat scared and lost in the chair, when he first spoke to me standing awkwardly, our first kiss and our first night sleeping together. Frank made my heart beat when I forgot how it felt, he made me feel warm when all I thought was left was ice in my soul. He made me smile and for that I was forever grateful that for once I could experience that again. 

Frank mattered to me


	23. In times of goodbyes

:heartbreak/ˈhɑːtbreɪk/overwhelming distress:

:I feel like I'm waiting for something that ins't going to happen..."

 

The day I dread coming was finally here, the day where nothing was utter heart break and loneliness was ready to swarm in and destroy everything I feel leaving me to surrender in pain. Frank had rolled over and poked my cheek softly, I had been awake for hours savouring our last moments together but never opened my eyes well that was until he's continuous poking became harsher until I was force to rip my eyes open. Looking to the boy on top of my chest his hazel eyes were red like he had been crying for hours on end but the stains on my grey shirt had proven that he was, dark grey spots where tears had fell littered my shirt.

"Sorry about that" He mumbled wiping his eyes with his shirt.  
"S'okay" I held him tighter closer to me nuzzle my face in his hair when he hiccuped making me giggle slightly. He continue to hiccup like I had accidentally squeezed him to much that air bubbles formed. Brushing the hair from his face as the hiccups died down sadness laced his features again.

 

"Whats wrong bub? I asked in a whisper. I knew what was wrong, Oh I knew all too well but I wanted to show sympathy for my broken boy.

"I leave in an hour Gee" An hour! what I thought I had more time FUCK. Cupping his face, I kissed his lips delicately as his ran a hand through my bed hair tugging it slightly making me groan. I was going to miss him so much but what most was the fact that I'll never ever see him again unless he visits but with him being free I doubt he'll remember, it's okay though because I had prepared for it. We kissed passionately because never again shall this happen, I let him push me back into the mattress hovering off me never breaking the kiss, I gripped his waist tightly has he had one hand beside my head and the other in my hair. 

A tear fell from his eyes and splashed onto my cheek.

"Don't cry"

"Why not?'

"Because you don't deserve to cry" My words only made him cry harder as a stray tear slid down my cheek.

 

Didn't take long for him to pack what was ever his mother brought here for him, Josh requested that he grabbed his files for medication from the clinic before he left so he can continue them at home. Frank said quiet goodbyes to Bob, Ray, Dallon and Tyler but when he got to Tyler he had broken down because just like Tyler he was sadden to go, Tyler needed him here since he would only speak to Frank but now that he was leaving Tyler was alone again just like I. When time finally came around it felt like it had only been minutes since we had gotten out of bed. Now we stood at the front entrance where his mother signed forms while Frank was crying into my chest. Rubbing his back soothingly I whisper nothing but sweet things into his ear, things about how he'll meet new people and make a great start to life out side of here with out me.

"But I want to do those things with you beside me" He whimpered into my hoodie. 

"Frank hurry up" His mother snapped before I sent a cold glare to her making her step back slightly. Pulling from the hug holding his face I memorised his hazel eyes for one last time. 

His eyes were a golden green hazel, small specs of gold littering the hazel. Dull in a way that shined beautifully like a galaxy with no stars still beautiful. I'll never forget everything he has done for me, me made me eat, speak and make eye contact all because I fell for him and his lightless eyes. Kissing him for one final time, feeling his soft lips upon mine made my heart break all over again knowing I will never feel them again EVER. I felt a tear glide from his eye and wetting my cheek since he nuzzled our noses against each other before he was being forced out the door. 

"I love you Gee for an eternity"

"I love you Frankie...For an eternity"

I stood there watching he exit waving me goodbye as a lump formed in my throat, tears brimming my eyes. When he disappeared from my sight that was it, it was finally over. So this is what heart break feels like huh? I must say its rather painful, more painful than anything I have ever felt in my whole life, it was probably more painful than hearing about my baby brothers death which I found rather odd. Mikey left me now Frank. 

I was officially alone again.

"I'm sorry Gerard" Princeton stood beside me.

"You let him go when you know he's sick Princeton"

"I know he'll be fine out there Gerard"

"Do you?"

 

The world seemed cold.  
The world was yellow nor pink with red anymore.   
The world was blue, purple with splatters of black invading the blue. The world was cold because the only source of warmth was ripped from me. I had never gotten to tell Frank about my analogy on colours of life. Sad really because I quiet liked my theory of Colors and their meaning. 

Frank was orange; Shy, quiet but in times of need fiery and out there.

Princeton was green; In control but quite lost a lot of times, knows what to do and down to earth.

Dmitri was ink black; Cold and immense pained. Nothing was unwanted churning in the stomach appeared when he would appear in your vision.

I hadn't figured out what colour I was yet because I can't see my self from another point of view, only others can so there for I can not determine the colour I give off. I happen to think that Frank would have liked his colour since he was a halloween baby and orange was too the colour of October. I wonder what he's doing right now, he had left yesterday and I had spent the night laying on my bed as tears streaked down my face missing the body warmth and the wight of his small body laying on top of me because he was the only way I could sleep, but now his disappearance had allowed insomnia to attack me again but unlike before I was even more defenseless and weak. 

The room was quiet, too quiet for my liking as was the table I sat at when eating dinner. No big hazel eyes to gaze into or a body to lean on. No one to hug nor kiss. Nothing. Bob and Ray tried to speak to me but I had shut everyone out again not letting anyone in my personal bubble. No eye contact and voice seemed to do me well in the pass so why not retry it again. Princeton had offered me sleeping medication to help doze of at night but I had refused because I knew exactly what would happen when I sleep at night with out Frank. 

Nightmares would swarm my sleeping vision ending with violent panic fits and harsh breathing in and out. I did request to put Frank on my visitation list and take my mother off, Princeton was reluctant to take my mother off but I pushed forward until surrender. 

I was still confused as to why Princeton would let someone out of here who is mentally sick, Frank see's people for fucks sakes and hears voices that aren't there yet Princeton believes it a fucking genius plan to let him on the loose with medication that he could easily OD on it the voices tell him or he could fucking run off and jump of a building from the commands. GREAT IDEA PRINCETON. 

Dmitri had returned to my while Frank had gone, he told me everything. Why he was here and that he was right when he told me that Frank would leave before everything happens. But what I was clueless about was what was going to happen.

 

***

When I couldn't bare the silence any more I wondered off to the outside world where it was nothing was darkness filling the courtyard since one of the outside lights died leaving no light besides the bright moon above. I fell onto the grass on my bed staring up to the fairy light stars before eyeing the moon and it's patterns. Like I've said before the moon had always captivated me, keeping me locked in its beautiful white trans. The grass felt colder with out Frank here. 

When I was little and went to the doctors you know when you suffer from a injury or mental problems they ask you to rate the pain like from 1-10 yeah? I never felt the anything was a ten in my life so I never held up anything more than a 8 even when I broke my arm or had tried to kill my self. Nothing was painful till I had to put up ten fingers. But I guess like in fault in ours stars as Hazel proclaims it, Heart break was a defiant ten. An extreme ten. 

So just like Hazel Grace this was my ten.

I never knew love could hurt so much because I had never been in love before. I didn't think love would leave you shattered on the ground at night during winter where your skin is freezing up as your lips go numb, your heart thumps painfully as tears stain your cheeks. I didn't think love would abuse you more than your own parents would. 

I didn't think love would hurt.

I didn't know love anymore.

I saw a shooting star fly over me and I instantly thought of Frank making me smile while a tear fell from my eyes streaming down the side of my face as nothing but empty pain filled my chest. I laid motionless in the grass where we'd lay together thinking off all the endless possibilities of a happy life Frank will endure while being out there. I was happy knowing He was finally free and happy and god I pray he finds someone worth his time, that'll love him since I couldn't because I was here for an eternity.

I'll never forget that boy who stole my heart straight away, the boy would captivate with his starless eyes and inky hair, the boy with silky pale skin cold as ice. I'll never forget how he taught me how to love, how to appreciate someone as much as I did him. Frank gave me hope, he gave me happiness and warmth in a hold in my chest that was empty for years but made it complete in an instant. Frank made my heart beat again and I made his thump painfully good as well, he made the blood run through my veins warmly, made my head dizzy with every kiss we shared or hug. He made me complete.

I wish him good luck on the outside world as I'm stuck in here for an eternity

But I just hope when he looks to the stars he thinks of me just once.


	24. Ending with Colours

:Surrender/səˈrɛndə/stop resisting to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority:

:Those who have invested more are last to surrender:

*1 Year later

 

My moths here ever since the boy with starless galaxy eyes, inky black hair and deathly pale skin left were bland, my mind has failed to comprehend life. Colours of my days here dissolved from a warm soft feeling back to the cold vigorous black mixed with blue and purple. No yellow nor orange, no pink swirled with vibrant red, no those colours are gone because the source of those colours are too gone. Frank was the source of warmth despite him not knowing it, he was the reason why warmth was allowed back into my mind and life, doctors don't understand my theory as to when I write them down on paper but never vocalising them. 

I had even tried to sketch the colours but something stops me, something has a force field barrier around my hand from sketching the colours Frank possessed and gave to me. I understand if I wasn't allowed to put the colours on paper because they are indeed not mine but only his, see I'm allowed to paint or draw out mine because it's simple, they are mine and no one else's, the colours are only dark bases so all I need to my grey led and a black and there I'm done.

Colours allow me to decipher whether a person is good or just pure evil, working to kill me, poison my water with radio active particles or send my father for me along with the psychotic brother he claims is "lovely". You see my family's colours were too, black, grey not one utter bit of warmth was left writhing with my family. You see I'm not sure if I had failed to mention this before everything but growing up I believed I was gifted only because I could see colours. 

I quiet like my gift you see, I knew whether people are harmful or just utterly lost. My family once was warm but now cold, it grew cold when my father turned to drugs and alcohol, grew colder when he'd force them on me. Due to force OD from my father and uncle his colours were nothing but jet black pen ink almost to the point where the darkness was so blinding. 

Frank how ever something was different about his colours. Despite Frank suffering from depression and other mental disorders like not wanting to be touched by anyone but me or the classic not wanting to eat because it's poisoned, Frank oddly gave off warm colours. Frank was orange, orange was his base colour but despite depressive moods and episodes he still gave off sunset colours which was what intrigued me when I first laid eyes on him because I was drawn to his warmth. 

When he had left a year ago I had prayed for days after that the cruel outside world wouldn't take his colours away because those rare colours he possess were his and in a way they made him beautiful. 

"Gerard I was thinking and don't freak out but I thought that maybe we could umm cut your hair? It's getting rather long" Princeton spoke, I dragged my eyes from my dirty dust covered boots to just by her head, no eye contact. I was rather away that my hair had become rather long since it was just pass my shoulders and was starting to annoy me. This meant I got to be able to leave the facility and go down town with Princeton for the day, meaning slight freedom of this hell hole. I nodded shifting on my feet holding up a note for her tired eyes.

'Sure' Eye roaming over the note she nods giving me a smile that I could see with my peripheral vision.

"Should we get going then?"

I held the same note up one final time. 

The forest passed the car in a blur or the car passed the forest in a blur. I sat there aimlessly staring out the window watching the dark coloured trees speed pass as the dark clouds above coat the above world with cold winds making the trees sway violently side to side. 

"You can't tell anyone I'm doing this okay Gerard...technically we're meant to cut it at the clinic but I allowed this just for once" I was shocked. She was putting her job on the line just to let me get my hair done in town because crazies weren't meant to leave the facility ever. 

'Sure' I held up the same note once again not needing to elaborate on my answer because I simply did not care. When town approached an unwanted churning feelings stirred in my stomach making me squirm in my seat. Princeton took notice and asked if I was okay, I nodded but really I just wanted to go back to sleep. The town seemed smaller than I remember since I haven't been in town since before I was emitted into the facility, I was only able to go to the hospital but never the town when leaving the facility. But even when I was at home I was never down here very much because I had no one to go with since I was lonely and I didn't like the colours I saw from everyone down here. 

It was a quick walk from the car to the barber shop where I sat in a spinning chair with a cloak draped over my body before the sound of metal scissors snipping beside my ear my goosebumps litter my skin. 

I tuned everyone out as Princeton and the hair dresser talked away while my hair fell from my head and onto the cloak before sliding to the ground, numerous chunks of my coal black ground stood out against the white tiles vibrantly. I was almost falling asleep in the chair of an hour of hair hacking because I didn't get a wink of sleep last night nor the night before or the night before. Never did sleep much since he left but it is what it is. Princeton paid the man for my hair which was now short and only just covered the tips of my ears so I felt the cold much more since it had circled back around from summer to winter again since he's been gone. The streets wasn't deserted but barely filled up so my nerves weren't hyper active well that was until Princeton had asked if I wanted to get something to drink. 

Weirdly I found my self saying yes because I trusted Princeton...most times, as we made our way to the coffee shop near where we parked the car something felt different like warm but I shook my head at the utter nonsense I was thinking. It was a little awkward sitting in a booth while Princeton my doctor who traps me in a facility at night so I can't escape the crazies buys me coffee, technically I'm not allowed to have coffee or any form of caffeine but Princeton seems okay with braking the rules for today. 

I sat there aimlessly shading parts of a page from my sketch book then proceeding to sketch a pair of eyes that look oddly exactly like Franks making me whine on the inside of my mind before loud murmuring approached the table as did clicking of high heels, a cup was set in front of me as Princeton sat down before addressing a stranger that I did not bother to raise my head and look at.

"Gerard you remember Mrs.Iero?" My head snapped up feeling a lump form in my throat. I directed my gaze to the women who held a positivity fake smile down to me, I faked a smile making me feel sick nodding as she took a seat in front of my beside Princeton. I stared at my cup, took a sip, put the cup down, stare at the cup continue this patter for minutes until the sound of rushing feet and a door slamming pulled me from my trans. Oh the memories are back.

"Sorry mum I couldn't find it" A rushed voice breath sounding like they were about to have a asthma attack came two minutes later. The hairs on my neck stood up as the voice instantly clicked in my head. Peering up shyly the boy who was taken away from me stood at the table trying to gain his breath while his inky hair framed his face just like it did before he left. I couldn't speak nor move, hell I couldn't even fucking BLINK. My eyes widen before he suddenly looked to me, his jaw dropped as he stood back from our table he was hunched over currently. So many emotions swamped my stomach, chest and head it started to hurt as it felt like no air was flowing into my lungs no more. I needed hair or I was going to die.

I shot up from the chair and rushed to the door where Princeton screamed to me asking where I was going.

"I need air!" I yelled for the first time in a year or so before pushing the door open falling against the building as I took in heavy gulps of air. I slid down the brick wall burying my head in my arms and on my knees feeling grateful for the much needed air I got. My heart was thumping painfully seeing him for the first time in a year, seeing his beautiful dull hazel eyes stare back into mine, seeing his messy inky hair fall everywhere. Seeing him hurt. I wanted to cry but I didn't want to feel weak so I stared out to the other side of the street clenching my teeth to stop the unwanted tears from falling painfully. 

Ringing of the bell that hung above the door tuned out, it was probably Princeton about to scold me to get back in side and stop being a brat but I was surprise when a body slumped down the wall beside me but not to close where we were touching. I frozen, body tensing up before I allowed my self to turn my head being careful not to make eye contact. Looking to the body beside me Frank sat there, staring straight forward legs sprawled and stretched out before him as he closed his eyes resting his head against the bricks gently.

I tore my gaze away not quiet sure what to do, staring back to the passing cars it was deafening, the silence but I didn't know if I wanted noise or to enjoy the silence and his body warmth against me once again. Over the course of minutes shuffling was heard until his body was pressed up against my as he delicately wrapped his arms around my waist shyly looking up for my gaze. Tensing then relaxing under his touch I gazed down seeing him hold a scared expression. It slightly felt the same as a year ago. 

"Gee?" 

"Y-yes?"

"God I've missed you" He whimpered, tears brimmed his hazel eyes before he nuzzled his face into my hoodie clad chest. Leaning down I kissed his head gingerly feeling tears threatening to spills down my cheeks. I couldn't handle it any more so I gripped his waist and pulled him into my lap properly where I hugged his small body tightly where it might have hurt him from the force but he only clutched me just as tight sobbing into my neck.

"I've missed you too" I whispered softly into his shoulder. Frank leaned from my grasp and sat on my lap looking at me sadly. I took in his figure seeing his body has gotten skinner and seemed more frail making me sad and I could tell he had lost a lot because he was much lighter on my lap. I was utterly lost for words becasue I didn't know what to say to him, I've missed him so much because I thought that I'd never speak to him again but now that he's hear in my lap I choked on my words. He moved and raked a hand through my hair pursing his lips to the side.

"Your hair is gone" He whispered, exaggerating slightly because I was indeed not bald. I nodded watching him wirily.

"What's wrong Gee?"

"It's been a year Frank"

"I know I know" Yeah a year of no sleep, constant thoughts of suicide, wanting to never wake up from sleep, Dmitri taunting my thoughts oh and two visits to solitary for fights. Oh wait no make that three since Josh was being a dick head and I smacked a cup out of his hands before smacking him landing me getting tackled into the floor by one of the new sercuity guards and in solitary for two days but Josh and I made up despite me only faking the apology but the stupid idiot brought it. My question of why I felt warmth before had been answered, Frank was here in the same place at the same time, I found my warmth, my grounding support thats why I felt warmth, felt orange and pink enter my life again and now I was holding the source of warmth in my lap.

"Whats it like?"

"Whats that Gee?"

"The out side world...Freedom"

"Awful" He whispered hanging his head low only for me to perch it back up with two fingers under his chin. 

"Why?" 

"Because I'm not getting better Gee, they think I am but the voices..."

"The voices?"

"Are getting worse look" He rolled up his sleeve and showed my his pale arm that now possessed a dark red vibrant line that ran vertically down his arm and I wanted to cry. Easy way out was to cut down the arm since doctors are unable to stitch the veins up and stop the continuous bleeding. I clutched his arm rubbing my thumb down the scar before placing soft butterfly kisses down the scar as he shuddered from the touch. 

"Tell your mother"

"She doesn't listen"

"Well she'll listen to me" I hissed started to get up in a hurry getting ready to scream at his mother because he could have easily died from this yet his thick headed mother was not listening despite him almost fucking DYING. He shoved him self down forcing all his dead weight on me making me fall back down, he shook his head violently with a worried look. 

"Don't please Gee I can't...I can't go back" He finished leaning back into me. I sighed in defeat not wanting to ruin his freedom despite feeling the pain everyday from his absence. Cupping his face softly he watched my every moves with intense but soft eyes as I pulled him closer till our lips ghosted over each others, feeling his warm breath fan against my lips I decided to finally pull his face closer so our lips touched sending a tingle of excitement and warmth down my spine. I've missed his lips so much, missed the feeling of his kiss, his touch, his warmth, I missed him in general and now I was thanking Princeton for bringing me down here for a hair cut. 

Frank sat in my lap the whole time we were outside of the coffee shop. I finally got to explain my analogy of colours to him, explaining his colour and how I couldn't see mine. He smiled the whole time and listen intently occasionally asking questions. He said he liked his colour, he smiled and kissed me again when I explained how he was a source of warmth in my life. Then he proceeded to tell me about how lonely it was back at home, people he's met but most importantly who he's been with, he told me he got together with someone named Ben but never wanted to go any further because he couldn't since he was still in love with me. I felt guilty knowing he didn't want to date anyone because of me but I also felt happy knowing his love for me still remained even after all this time.

Frank asked about Bob, Ray and the rest of the group such as Dallon and Tyler and I explained how they are still crazy which earned a giggle with a playful shoved, I told him how Dallon was finally back up to healthy weight and doesn't look deathly skinny any more and that Tyler was actually smiling now and laughing with doctors. Everyone at the facility seemed to be getting better over the year as Frank and I only seem to be getting worse. 

"It's time to get back Gerard" Princeton stepped out of the door along with Mrs.Iero hot on her trail before standing in front of our lazy forms on the ground. Frank whimpered only loud enough for me to hear before crawling off my lap and standing up giving me a hand up. Dusting the dirt of my pants while Mrs.Iero shot me a annoyed look I only rolled my eyes at her before Frank lunged him self into my arms squeezing me to death but I didn't mine. I held him close and tightly to me savouring his body warmth because just I thought before, I may never see him again, He kissed me passionately and deeply for a minute before giving me one final hug.

"I love you Gee" He whispered in my ear making me grin.

"I love you too Frankie" Watching him go off with his mother broke my heart all over again but I remained smiling as he finally disappeared from my sight. Princeton only smiled to me handing me my sketch pad and pencil before we too were off back to the prison sorry I meant mental facility you know where I'm keep trapped all day surrounded by people who walk around like zombies with tin foil hats well not all just ALOT. 

Something in the back of my mind was itching at me telling me that I know I'll see Frank and his beautiful warm colours again becasue even before today I knew that when I said I'd never see him again, I knew it was a lie, something in my gut told me I'll continue to see him and perhaps this was the start to the many random surprise visits from the broken boy with starless galaxy eyes and Inky black hair;

The boy, who just like I, was a schizophrenic.

The End


End file.
